Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
~Edgar Allan Poe
Before I can even open my eyes, the first thing I notice is the gentle humming of several machines surrounding me. I bite my bottom lip at the throbbing in my head but force my eyes open in spite of the pain. I never knew it was such a hard task to do something that's normally so simple. When I do finally manage to get them open, I find that I'm in the place I dread the most. The hospital.
How did this happen? Where'd Cordy and B go? Please don't tell me that was only a dream. I want to scream, to yell for my girlfriend, but my minds so fuzzy now I'm not sure of what's even going on. She is my girlfriend right? I thought we were at her house.
I close my eyes tightly, willing my mind to stop long enough for me to get out of here. Simple, I'll just leave and I'll go to C's house and she'll explain everything to me. She'll make it better right? Of course she will. She loves me, doesn't she? Or what if that was all a dream? Why the hell am I here?
Dammit, I need to stop thinking. Just stop thinking and get out of this bed. I carefully pull the IV's from my arm and force myself into a sitting position. I have to take a few minutes to rest after that. I have a feeling it's not a good thing that the room is spinning around me. When I finally regain my equilibrium I get out of the bed and search for my clothes, or any clothes. I doubt they're going to let me walk out of here if I've got this damn gown on.
I can't help but laugh at the thought that pops into my head. Maybe that's why Cordelia's not here. She always was very fashion conscious right? Maybe she just couldn't stand to look at me in this tacky thing. I convince myself that's the reason and that once I get to her house she'll just smile and pull me into her arms to make it all better.
I find my clothes in a drawer beside the bed and slowly pull on my leather pants, thankful for their familiarity. When I unfold my shirt to put it on though I notice that there's something wrong with it. The first thing that sticks out is the fact that it's covered in blood, my blood. I run my fingers over the material, trying to remember what the hell happened but I haven't the slightest idea. As my fingers continue to roam over the shirt I notice that it's ripped in the middle, but it doesn't look like an ordinary tear. For the first time I think to actually look at my body and pull the gown the rest of the way off and notice the large cut on my stomach, covered in stitches and dried blood. What the fuck happened? Was I stabbed? I can't walk out of the hospital with this on! But I suppose I have no choice, I'll just have to be discreet about it.
I sit back down on the bed to calm myself for a few minutes before peaking my head out of the door. I notice that there isn't anyone around, at least not that'll be able to stop me so I hold my hands in front of my body to hide the stains on my shirt as well as possible and high tail it out of the hospital.
Once I made it outside I noticed that it was nighttime. Something I was thankful for since it would be easier to make my way to Cordelia's without being spotted. I have no idea what time it actually is, but at this point I could care less. With my destination in mind, I quickly make my way to C's house. Well, as quickly as possible in my condition, which is more like an eighty-year-old woman who has to use a walker to move. But at least its progress right?
When her house was finally in sight, I swear if I weren't in so much pain I would literally jump for joy. But I have a feeling it's going to take the rest of my energy to actually walk those ten houses to get to hers. Maybe I should've actually thought before leaving the hospital. Shrugging my shoulders I continue my walk and finally I make it to the front door. I can feel an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, though I'm not sure why. Cordelia should be happy to see me right? Doesn't she love me? Taking a shaky breath I lift my hand to the doorbell and press it gently, swallowing hard, praying that everything I know, or think to know is true.
"Faith," her hard voice greets me. Why did she sound so cold to me? Why is she staring at me? Maybe she's just in shock? I mean, I'm probably pretty messed up right? It looks like someone tried to gut me after all. Yeah, just play it cool.
"Hey doll," I reply, much quieter than I had intended. I guess I'm not so tough after all if I can't even hide how scared I am.
"What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you dead yet?" She yells at me, and there's nothing but hatred in her voice that can't be denied. What did I do wrong? What the fuck is going on? Dead? Isn't she supposed to love me? Don't you love me C? I love you dammit!
Why can't I make my mouth work? We're just staring at each other, endless moments of confusion passing between us. "Dead?" I finally manage to ask. ăI thought you loved me," I whisper so softly I'm not even sure if I said it out loud or just in my head. I'm not sure of anything at the moment.
I hear her laughing, it's just as cold as her voice and I feel like there are a million little knives being shot into my body. "Love you? Who in their right mind would even like you after what you did to everyone? I was hoping you were dead."
I look up into her eyes, the eyes that seem to be killing me all on their own and collapse onto my knees. I've got no more energy to stand, no more energy to talk. I faintly feel the warmth of tears falling from my eyes and force myself to speak, hoping to figure something out. "You did love me. And I love you. What happened C? I know you used to hate me when we were kids, but then what about all that other stuff? What about when we made love and you..." I choke on the rest of my words, and just start crying.
I lift my head to look up at her standing over me, hovering like a vulture and for a brief moment I see her eyes soften before they become as hard as steel. Then they turn from cold to confused, and I think she finally believes me. But why wouldn't she? It's all true isn't it? I swallow another sob and curl into a ball.
After long moments I feel her arms around me, offering comfort but it's not in the way my Cordelia would hold me. It was forced, and probably more upsetting than comforting. This can't be happening. This has to be a dream. Please God let this be a dream. I can't take losing Cordelia.
I'm not sure how many moments passed that I just cried in her arms. I was partially right at least, that I'd show up and she'd take me into her arms. I just never knew it would be like this. How can she not remember our lives? What did I do to make her hate me again, just when I opened myself to her? "Faith," her soft, yet still icy voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "We need to go inside, it's not safe out here at night. You know that."
"Well if you hate me so much why don't you just leave me out here to die? I'm better off dead anyways!" I snap through the tears, unsure of why I just did.
"Well considering that you tried to kill us all I should leave you to die!" She yells back and pulls away from me. When I look back into her eyes I can see that the momentary sympathy she felt for me is already gone.
"Kill? Why would I ever do that? Kill who? What the hell are you talking about? I love you Cordelia!" I plead, begging her to give me some sort of answers.
"I guess Buffy did more than just kick your ass that night. What the hell did you hit your head on? You're evil Faith, or did you forget all you did to us? Did you forget trying to kill Angel and Buffy and all the other innocent people that you did kill? Or are you trying to fool us again? I might not be the brightest one of the gang but I'm not falling for this again."
When she finishes I see her moving back to the door as I lay on the ground, crying for all that I've lost, or believe to have lost. This is a dream This is just a bad dream and I'll wake up at any moment right? I keep repeating it in my mind as a mantra, hoping and believing that any second I would wake up and I'd be in bed with Cordelia in my arms.
After what seemed like an endless amount of time I had to face the reality that I wasn't going to wake up. That I was here on Cordelia's porch, weak and scared. Two things that I can't ever recall being in my life. And worst of all, I had to face that the one I love is full of nothing but hatred and contempt for me. Then the most nauseating feeling hits me and Cordelia's words sink in. I tried to kill people? Two of my closest friends? And I did kill people? This can't be happening. I kill vamps, that's it. Why would I ever hurt B? Sure she can be a pain in the ass sometimes but I love her. And mom, what about her? Mom remember? Didn't Joyce say that I could call her mom? Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick.
"Faith," Cordelia's voice penetrates my mind once again, and despite how painful it is to hear it at the moment, at least it kept the contents of my stomach actually in my stomach.
"Did I really... did I..." I can't even form the words to ask. She has to be lying. It can't be true. I'd never hurt them! I love them. Sure I make a poor show of it sometimes but I do. "I would never... Not to you," I stop to look up in her eyes. I'm not sure of anything, but this is the one thing I am sure of right now. "I love you C. I'd never hurt you," My eyes plead with hers, begging her to believe me.
"You really don't remember it do you?" she questions hesitantly, and I shake my head in response. She lets out a long sigh, and I can tell she's debating something in her mind. By the time she finally comes out of her thoughts I realized that I'm not crying so hard anymore. I'm not nearly as sad as I am afraid. Afraid that everything I thought was reality for the last few months was nothing but a dream.
She walks over to me and kneels down in front of me, looking deeply into my eyes and through the few remaining tears I realize that her eyes aren't nearly as cold as they were before. There's more pity in them than anything. I never was one who wanted pity, or even help from others but what choice do I have? Apparently I know nothing about who I really am, and she's the only one who can provide the answers I'm missing. My life is literally in her hands at this moment.
Her hand tentatively reaches out to caress my cheek and I close my eyes, attempting to show her that she's the one holding the power now. That I meant what I said, and that I've already given myself to her, even if this isn't my Cordelia. When she pulls her hand away despite my willing I let out a small whimper of protest and I can tell by her eyes that she noticed it. "Come inside, you need to get cleaned up and rest," she says before standing back up, hiding behind her bitch walls once more. A part of me is refusing to take her sympathy, but since I obviously don't even know who I am right now I haven't got much choice.
I stand on shaky legs and follow her into the house, the same house that feels so familiar to me. "Have I... I've been here before right?" I ask softly, probing for answers as I stand in her living room. She shoots me one of those 'as if' looks and I can't believe this is true. That I've never been in her house before.
"Don't you remember that time when we were kids, back when we used to hate each other. You were picking on me for something, probably the way I dressed or that I was white trash or something. And I got mad so I chased you home and pelted your house with water balloons. Or when you first got your car and you were rubbing it in my face that you had money when I was pretty much living on the streets, and so I stole your keys and carved my name into the paint just to piss you off. What about our first date? When we sat on your roof until you fell asleep in my arms. Our first kiss out there on the porch," I paused, straining every nerve in my body to keep from crying again as I continued, hoping beyond hope that she'd remember at least some of this. That I wasn't dreaming it all. That my entire life wasn't fake. "We made love upstairs in your bed. And I watched you all night as you sleep. That was the night that I told you I was falling in love with you. Please Cordelia, tell me you remember this. I'm not a killer. I'm in love with you. I love you."
I looked up at her, my eyes focused on hers and just watched as the emotions played over her face. They went from disbelief, betrayal and anger to confusion. Her jaw dropped slightly and she just stared at me, except this time her eyes were void of any emotion whatsoever. I didn't break her, did I? It's true isn't it? "Don't you remember how I called you doll?" I look back down, the tears falling once more. If this is reality, I want to go back to my dreams. "Don't you remember waking up in my arms? Don't you remember..that I gave my heart to you?"
She just shook her head at me, dumbstruck by all that I said and I could feel someone taking a vice and squeezing my heart in it. I just fell to my knees, unsure of what, even how to feel at that moment. What did I do? What the fuck is going on?
I just stayed in my spot, unrelenting and began speaking again. It's not like I had anything else to lose. "If I've never been in your house how would I know about the window in your bathroom that we climbed out of to get onto your roof? Or how would I know that you keep a spare blanket in your closet? If I've never been in your house how can I tell you every fucking detail of it? I wasn't dreaming! You love me and I love you and we're supposed to be happy dammit!" I stop when I see her flinch, realizing that my yelling was most likely scaring Cordelia. Obviously she had no idea what I was even talking about.
"I'm sorry for whatever I did, but you have to believe me C. I don't remember it. I just remember being in love with you."
She moved over to me slowly, dropping to her knees so we were at eye level and once again her hand found its way to my cheek. I closed my eyes just as I did the first time, reveling in her warmth but this time she didn't pull away.
"I don't know why, but I do believe you. At least that you don't remember what you did. Even still, it doesn't mean I can just forgive you. It's not that easy, because you really did do all those things. I just know that the old Faith, whatever happened to her would've never been here like this in front of me. She would have never been able to swallow her pride and kneel in front of me to beg me to remember things. Not even if she was faking it. I honestly don't know what to do, but I do believe you. There really isn't any way that I couldn't. Why don't you stay here tonight, take a shower to get cleaned up and rest and we'll talk about it in the morning. You can tell me what you know, or what you believe to be reality and I'll tell you how things are, and we'll work them out okay?"
I nod slowly as her hand drops from my cheek to my hand, softly taking it in hers as she stands and pulls me up with her. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that in this reality, she's going to be the only one I can trust. I give her a questioning look, unsure of what I'm supposed to do. For some reason I don't feel very comfortable around her, not the way I would with the Cordelia that I remember. She leads me up the stairs, still loosely holding my hand in hers but I can't help but feel that the gesture isn't out of anything other than her being afraid that I'll run away at any second.
She walked to her room and finally let go of my hand so she could go sit on her bed. I stood awkwardly in the room, watching as her eyes roamed over my body. I still didn't have any clue what I looked like, but from the look in her eyes I figure it must be pretty damn bad. "You say you know your way around the house right?" she ventures and I nod my confirmation at her. "Well why don't you go take a shower while I kinda... take all this in 'k? I guess, if you don't remember anything then this is probably a big shock to you, but it's just as big of one to me."
I nod and offer her a weak, and mostly fake smile before turning and heading towards her bathroom. This was all just starting to become too creepy to me. If what she says is true, how would I know my way around her house? Shaking my head I remind myself that this is just a dream. It's just a dream and I'll wake up in the morning and so it doesn't matter what I do now. Just go with it and I'll wake up and it'll give C and I something to laugh about in the morning.
Once I reach the bathroom the first thing I do is look at my reflection in the mirror. I've got a lot of cuts, bruises and scars covering my body. Why the hell can't I remember any of this? I fight the urge to slam my fist into the mirror before sucking in a deep breath. Dream Faith. IT'S A FUCKING DREAM! It is, isn't it?
Stepping into the shower I let the hot water beat down over my body, feeling the stinging as it hits my scar on my stomach. Fuck, this isn't a dream, is it? When in my life have I ever even dreamed? Obviously I dreamed that C and I were lovers. But what happened? Is she lying to me? Did I really kill people? Did B really do this to me? What did I do to her?
Swallowing hard and blocking out my thoughts I finish my shower before I think anymore. It's clearly not going to get me anywhere. And it's pointless for now. If I'm still here in the morning when I wake up, then I'll know that it's time to face the truth. When I step out of the shower I realize that the last thing I want to do is put my dirty clothes back on. Wrapping the towel around my body I grab my clothes into my hands and make my way back to C's room.
"Umm, can I borrow some clothes C?" I ask, trying to get her to stop staring at the wall. I only get a grunt in response, and she looks at me standing in front of her in a towel and just shakes her head.
"I suppose you know where those are too?" she asks in her daze and I just nod at her and make my way to her dresser to pull out some sweats and a t-shirt and hold them up for her to see. "Which one of us is dreaming here? Because this is starting to make no sense to me," she whispers.
Awkwardly I pull the clothes on in front of her, realizing that her mind is probably so far away right now that she's not even noticing me. When I'm done changing I sit down on her bed next to her and let out a soft sigh. I think I'm in a dream, and she thinks she's in one. Just fucking peachy. "Maybe we can figure it out in the morning, like you said?" I venture softly, finally feeling exhaustion hit me. I am still a slayer, right?
At her nod I stood up to head downstairs, figuring the couch would be the best place for me to sleep. After all, this Cordelia regarded me as a killer, not her lover. As I'm making my way towards the door I hear her coming up behind me but don't bother to turn around. I'm not sure if I could stand to see her cold eyes directed to me anymore tonight. Surprisingly I feel her hand in my own again, but this time it's the warm, gentle embrace that I had gotten used to. "Stay here?" she asks gently, and I finally turn to meet her eyes, filled with confusion. "I don't know what's going on, but for some reason I'd just feel safer, or something if you were in here tonight."
I shrug, unsure of what to say. This woman tells me I'm a killer, then says she'd be safer with me here. If this isn't a dream, I must be on some damn good drugs. I watch as she walks back to her bed and climbs under the covers, patting the spot next to her as an invitation and take a shaky breath before climbing in beside her. I lay as close to the edge as possible, distancing myself from her but I can't stop a few more tears from falling as I realize that she's supposed to be taking me in her arms and making this all okay.
"You really are in love with me, aren't you?"
"Yeah," I answer as she turns off the light beside her bed and moves onto her side so she can look at me through the dark.
"And you really don't remember all that you did to us?"
"No."
I hear her let out a long sigh, and I just get the feeling that she's debating something in her head again.
"What are you afraid of?" she asks, and I'm starting to find her questions slightly annoying. This isn't my Cordelia dammit! But still, it's the only Cordelia that I have, for now. At least until I wake up to reality, right?
"I'm afraid that I'll never wake up from this dream. That I'll never be able to hold you, or make love to you again. That I'll never be able to kiss you or tell you that I'm in love with you again. I'm afraid that when I wake up in the morning I'll still be here, scared and alone. I'm afraid that everything you say is true, and that the only memories I have are nothing more than illusion."
There's a long silence between us and I figure she probably doesn't know what to say to that. But then I feel her arms around me, pulling me close to her and though I don't know why she's doing it I could care less as I hold her close to me, allowing the dam of tears to break. Eventually I cry myself to sleep, feeling safe for the moment, in her arms, where I know I always belong.
When I wake up the next morning the first thing I notice is that I'm still in Cordelia's bed. The second thing I notice is that Cordelia is in my arms. Wasn't I in hers when I went to sleep? I look down at her, sleeping so peacefully in my arms. Wait, didn't I have clothes on when I went to sleep? Thats when it clicks.
"Doll, wake up," I gently chide as I nudge C awake.
I feel her arms tighten around me as she starts to stir, and as I expected, when she woke up she didn't jump away from me. I'm home! It was just a dream. I let out a long sigh and Cordelia looks up at me, confused and I just shake my head at her before pressing my lips firmly to hers. After a few seconds she relaxes into the kiss and I can feel her tongue probing for enterance into my mouth. I open my mouth for her, sliding my tongue out along hers as I pull her closer to me.
"Wake up with a bad case of the hornies?" she jokes as she pulls away from me. I can't help but laugh at that as I pull her in for another deep kiss. She moves her body on top of mine and I realize that she too is naked. I moan into her mouth as we kiss, and I briefly wondered what happened last night to get us naked in bed together. Thats when I panic and pull away from her.
As soon as she notices the look in my face she shoots me a quizzical look. "I... This isn't a dream is it?" She just stares at me with a blank look as if I've lost my mind, and at this point I'm not even sure if I've lost my mind or not. "I had a dream that you hated me, everyone hated me."
"It was just a dream," she says as she looks deeply into my eyes. I'm still not exactly convinced, but at this point I don't care. "I love you Faith, always," she whispers as she once again lays claim to my mouth. Losing my train of thought I kiss her back with as much passion as I have inside me and pull her body down fully against my own.
I feel her leg sliding between my thighs, pushing against my center and all coherent thoughts are lost as she moves her mouth down to the nape of my neck. As her tongue glides across my neck she gently nips at my skin with her teeth and I arch my head back to get more contact, closing my eyes to enjoy the sensations.
As soon as my eyes shut a picture flashes into my mind. It's me shooting an arrow at Angel. I jerk a little and open my eyes to find that Cordelia is now moving her mouth lower, and as I feel her tongue sliding over one of my taut nipples my eyes involantarily shut again, and I get another flash. B stabbing me with a knife. I groan at the vision, but Cordelia still doesn't stop as she moves farther south, her tongue dipping into my belly button before she moves to my center, sliding her tongue out to taste me. I bite down on my bottom lip to keep from closing my eyes again, but when her tongue slides into me I can't help it and I let out a moan and close my eyes again. And then it all comes flooding to me.
While Cordelia makes love to me everything the other Cordelia said to me becomes clear, from being the bad girl, to turning on B and our fight on my roof. I feel sick to my stomach and I try to reach for Cordelia, to stop her but I can't seem to move. I can't feel anything other than my girlfriend's tongue moving inside of me. After a few more minutes I feel myself climaxing and I cry out her name as I fly into obvlivion, breathing heavily as a million memories hit me in a matter of seconds.
When my breathing slows down I force my eyes open but things have changed once again. I'm alone in bed, fully clothed. What the fuck is going on? "C!" I call out into the empty room, panic washing over me as I jump from the bed. I'm covered in sweat and pull the shirt off and throw it onto the floor. This isn't my shirt! This isn't my Cordelia's house and this isn't my world!
Cordelia comes rushing into the room and looks at me as if I've gone nuts. At this point I seriously think I have. "What the hell are you doing?" she snaps at me and I realize that I was only dreaming about being back with my Cordy. But what of all those memories? Oh God, she wasn't lying. I really did those things, didn't I?
"This is really happening isn't it? I'm really a killer, aren't I?" I whisper as I give her a pathetic look. She keeps her distance and only nods at me. I fall to my knees and just start beating the ground, wondering why this is happening to me. "I remember it all. I had a dream, and I was back with my Cordelia. How did all that happen? I can't make sense of this. Was that all a dream?" I ask pitifully.
Cordelia moves over a little closer to me, but I can feel the fear radiating off of her. "Don't," I say harshly. I look up at her and note her confusion. "Don't touch me. I'm evil remember? I only hurt the things I touch. I love you to much to hurt you any more than I apparently already have."
"I'm afraid that all you knew before was a dream. You and I were never lovers Faith, we weren't even friends. After you fought with Buffy you ended up in a coma. You've been there for the last few months, until last night when you ended up here. You never really did much to me, maybe that's why I let you in. But I believe you, so here's what I offer. You promise not to go psycho, I'll help you get your life back together, if you want."
"Why are you willing to do that? You don't even like me. And I don't need your goddamn pity."
I watch her shrug as I say that and stand up to leave but her hand grabs my arm. "You talk in your sleep you know. I heard a lot of things, things you'd probably never say to anyone out loud. I know your sorry for what you did, even if you don't exactly remember it all yet. If you walk out of here, there's no one that's going to help you but me. It's your choice, but don't be too damn stubborn to refuse my help. It's the only help you'll get, and I'm the only person in this town that gives a good goddamn about you."
I take a second to let her words all sink in and I realize just how true what she's saying is. I'm in no condition to be roaming around town alone when I dont even know which was is up. And did she just say she cares about me? "C?" I question softly as she takes her hand off my arm. "Whether any of that was real or not, whether we ever made love or dated or anything in this reality. I still love you. If you can accept that, then I'll accept your offer of help."
"I'll deal with it, You never know, when your memory fully comes back you might realize you really aren't in love with me," she offered. I suppose she was trying to cheer me up some, I'm not really sure.
"I don't get it though. You never cared about anyone other than yourself. Why me of all people?"
She gives me a small smile at that question and I can feel my knees gonig weak at that alone and I know that no matter what happens, or what reality I have to face, she is the one for me. "Lets just say that at some point last night the ice bitch thawed out some. You should consider this an honor," she teases and I can't help but smile back. Now this is like my Cordelia.
I bow down and smile at her, for the first time feeling a little hopeful about things and smile at her. "It's the greatest honor, your highness." I laugh as she swats at my arm and stand straight up again. When I look up at her I see her just looking into my eyes, almost as she's searching them for something. I feel awkward under her gaze but I don't take my eyes from her and finally she breaks out into a wide grin. "What?"
"What do you mean what?"
"Huh? Why were you looking at me like that?" I ask, extremly confused.
"Like what?" she questions back, and I get the feeling she's confused as well and I can't help but laugh. But before I get the chance to explain to her what I was talking about my stomach growls, cutting off any more of that conversation. "Let's get some food into you. I know you, and I know you need to eat at least ten times a day."
"You know me huh?" I reply as she takes my hand into hers and begins to lead me to the kitchen.
"Well I know your always hungry and horny," she responds with a smile. "But I'd like to get to know the rest of you," she add softly.
"I suppose we'll have to work on that then."
"I suppose so," she laughs as we get into the kitchen. And in that moment I knew that no matter how much work I had to do to be okay again, or how confused I was there was only one thing that mattered. And that was that I get Cordelia to love me. Nothing else seemed to matter much to me anymore. So for the first time in my life, or at least in what I remembered of it, I actually felt hopeful for something and had something to look forward to.
Taking one more glance at the ex cheerleader I knew that I had finally made a good decision on something. She was the one for me, and even if I had dreamt it all, there had to be at least some truth to it. One day, I know I'll get her to love me too. And for now, that was good enough for me.
We spent the rest of that morning doing nothing but sitting around. I suppose neither of us were ready to discuss the situation we were in just yet. Cordelia made us pancakes for breakfast, which surprised me until she burned them and I settled for a nice bowl of cereal. I guess that's why the Chase's hire people for all that huh? I know my Cordelia couldn't cook for shit, but at least this one actually attempted it.
I tear my eyes away from the cartoons I somehow managed to talk Cordelia into watching with me and notice the simple smile on her face. I think this C is a lot like mine and never really got to enjoy this stuff as a kid. At least they're kinda alike, I think.
I suppose I should stop thinking about 'My' Cordelia now since apparently that was all a dream while I was in a coma. But if I stop thinking about her, about the 'world' that I know, what do I have left? I've got absolutely nothing and no one. Have I always thought so damn much? Grabbing the remote from Cordelia I flick the TV off and move so that I'm facing her on the couch.
I try to hide my smile at her pout but I can't seem to stop it. I think I've seriously gone soft here. "Why'd you do that?" she asks as she holds her pout. I have to mentally berate myself to keep from just leaning over and kissing her then. Closing my eyes so I don't have to face the temptation I begin speaking.
"If I tell you about the Cordelia I know, will you tell me about the real one? I miss her," I whisper softly. Being this close to her was nothing more than torture of the worst kind.
"I'm not good at this stuff Faith. Besides, what is there to really know? I'm not that deep of a person."
"You're wrong about that, and you know it. And I know there's a lot more to you than you let people on to, just like my Cordelia. I know you're probably completely miserable, but won't show it to anyone. And I know you're not nearly half the bitch you like to think you are. I want to know the rest, to really know you and fall in love with you like I did with my Cordelia."
"But your Cordelia isn't real Faith," she replies softly. I know it's the truth, but it still doesn't stop it from hurting. That Cordelia, that world was my reality for months, so to me it is real. I don't know why, maybe she noticed the far off look I had, but I felt Cordy putting her hand on mine once more. That one little gesture was starting to mean an awful lot to me. It seemed to be the only comfort that I had in this new reality. "Why would you even want to fall in love with me when I'm straight?"
Okay, I wasn't expecting to hear that one. Might as well take advantage of the opportunity while I can though huh? I feel a smirk coming over my lips as I raise my eyes up to meet hers. "I've got many talents." I can't help but wink after that, before laughing at her shocked expression.
"You think you're gonna get me to fall in love with you huh? Awfully full of yourself aren't ya?"
"Is that a challenge I hear?" I respond, actually grateful for this turn of events.
"Just might be," she licks her lips as she finishes that and I think someone just turned up the heat. I may not be up to par on what the hell else is going on in my life anymore, but who said I couldnât start by sorting out my love life. "I've got a little proposition for you."
"Which would be what?" I ask, fully intrigued by this. At least in my dream reality I spent 16 years of my life with Cordelia hating me before I was able to get her to even acknowledge me. It seems just a bit odd to me that this one who claims to have hated my guts until last night is now propositioning me, and raising a challenge of this sort. But maybe that's all part of the game. She hated me, yet now knows I'm in love with her. She could easily use that to get back at me for whatever I did to her. Yet, at the same time she's offering to help me get my life back together. Either way, it's worth the risk.
"I'm pretty much all you've got now. Everyone else in this town hates you, and trust me, no one will be nearly as nice to you as I was. In fact, had you not showed up in the middle of the night and pulled the water works, I probably never would have even touched you with a ten foot pole. But now you're here and I'm willing to give you a chance. I believe all that you say, and you seem to be cool enough so far. However, I'm supposed to be moving to LA in two weeks. So, you want me to stay, get me to fall in love. If not, I'm gone."
"You make it sound like a game."
"Isn't that all that love is though Faith? Just a game? Before your coma you were playing it with Buffy. You lost. I'm giving you another go 'round. Think you can live up to the challenge?"
She moves closer to me and I can feel every nerve in my body starting to tingle at her proximity. This was definitely not what I was planning on, but I never was one to back down from a challenge. In fact, "I only need one week. You'll be wrapped around my finger."
"You're on. But remember, this is about love, not fucking."
I just give her a feral grin before moving forward and crushing my lips to hers, kissing her deeply. At first she's too shocked to respond to the kiss, but then I feel her relaxing into it. Just as she opens her mouth to me I pull away and can't help but smile at the sound of her whimpering in protest. "Uh uh," I wag my finger at her. "Remember, this is about love, not fucking. I just had to seal the deal with a kiss first," I wink at her. "But tell me something first."
She just nods at me, her eyes narrowing and I can feel the adrenaline flowing through my body. There's nothing I love more than a challenge, and this is one I know I'll win. I'm too in love with her to lose. "How long have you wanted me? And don't even try to deny it," I whisper into her ear before nibbling on her lobe.
I'm granted another whimper as I move away from her to stand up and she's just staring at me. Her face is fully flushed and I can tell that she's about ready to pounce on me. Oh yeah, I'm definitely going to win this. Upon realizing I'm not going to get an answer I head for the stairs, but stop at the bottom of them. "I'm going to go take a shower. Feel free to join me."
I don't even give her a chance to answer as I head up the stairs, thankful for the conversation C and I had while she was burning our breakfast. Apparently her dad got the family into a shitload of legal trouble and so now they for one, couldn't afford the hired help but they were off in LA looking for a decent lawyer to use the rest of their cash on to try and keep her father out of jail.
Jail. Oh fuck. I run back down the stairs as fast as I can and stare straight into Cordelia's eyes. "I don't want to go to jail," I try to look tough about it, but how do you even act tough about jail? I don't want to go! I can't even remember what I did so why should I have to? Sure, no one would buy that but I can't go.
"Why would you go to jail?" she looks up from her nails with a raised eyebrow. Someone please tell me I'm not in love with someone that dense.
"I killed people didn't I?" I see the light bulb go on in her head and I can feel my heart sinking. What do I do? "C, you gotta believe me, I'm not like that. Maybe I was but that's not me. I'm the me from my dreams, or whatever the fuck they were. Something's going on here. Remember when I first showed up? I knew my way around your house! I've never been here but I still knew it from my dreams. There has to be some truth to them."
"Okay, first off slow down Einstein. Secondly, huh?"
I suppose I am in love with someone that dense. Was my Cordelia this dense? Is it even time to think about that? I kneel down in front of her and rest my arms on her thighs as I look up at her. "It's starting to make sense. I only remember a few little flashes of what I did, enough to know it was really bad. But the rest of the stuff I know was what I dreamed of in my coma. But there's a certain amount of truth to everything that I dreamed. I have to go tell Giles." I jump up from my spot on the floor and begin heading for the front door. "Wait, Giles does exist here right?"
She just gives me her patented 'have you gone nuts, of course' look before shaking her head. "You can't go. Just because I believe you doesn't mean that anyone else will. Just wait until we figure something out before you go gallivanting around town. If you just go there after waking up from a coma with some crazy idea they're either going to turn you in or have you commited. Hell, maybe both! Just sit and give it some time to see if more of your memory comes back before you go anywhere."
"It's not a crazy idea C, it's the truth. I'm not a psycho! I love you, I love B and I love everyone and I don't care what I did before! I'm not like that!"
"Calm down Faith. I never said I didn't believe you! But give the rest of them some credit after what you did to them. Remember it all or not you made their senior year of high school hell and they can't just forget that. I can't forget that but I'm trying to give you a chance. I am giving you a chance. Just be patient and we'll figure it out together okay?" Her voice softens as she speaks the last part and I can see the sincerity in her eyes. "I'll help you Faith, but you have to let me. And you have to trust me."
She moved from her spot on the couch and stood in front of me, holding her hand out. I guess that's what everything always comes down to huh? Trust. She's not my C, but if I can't trust her, then I'll be alone again. I definitely don't want that. Instead of taking her hand in mine I pull her into a tight hug and rest my head on her shoulder. "You'll help me?"
"Always," is all I get from her, but that one word seemed to say what a million other words couldn't even come close to.
"You know I'm going to hold you to that right?" I ask softly and I can't help but smile again when I feel her laughing.
"I look forward to it," she responds as she turns and places a soft kiss on my cheek. "Now go take your shower and when you come back down we'll think of a game plan 'k?"
"Works for me, and remember, it's not too late to join in," I say, winking at her. She just rolls her eyes and pushes me towards the stairs. As I head up to the shower I realize that things about to get really interesting.
As I'm in the shower I can't help but let the mornings events wash over me. First that wicked dream. That was so not fair. I was back with my Cordelia, but then... We were making love and I remembered all this stuff. But if that place was just a dream in the first place how come it felt so real to me? How come I can still feel her skin on mine, and taste her kiss? If it was only a dream why did I wake up with all these memories, with a longing for something that I can't have? Something, or someone is definitely fucking with my head. Who's got the power to do that though? The council surely isn't that smart, are they? Besides, don't they just want me dead?
I hear the bathroom door opening and as I'm pulled out of my thoughts I can hear someone entering. My senses aren't telling me it's a threat so I figure its just Cordelia. "Come to take me up on my offer?" I smile as the water washes over my body.
"Hardly. I just wanted to come set a few rules about our little game here."
"Game? You think I'm just after getting laid don't you?"
"I didn't say that. I told you, I believe that you're different. And even if I had a few doubts, it's hardly my fault. I'm just saying, there are rules."
I turn the water off and open the shower curtain to find her leaning against the door. Her eyes immediately travel over my full body, obviously liking what they're seeing. Who'd have ever thought Queen C would be into girls? Wasn't she like a slut or something? Or was that just me? Wait, I was a slut? "Was I like... easy before? Is that why you don't believe I could possibly love you and that all I care about is getting fucked?"
"How can you not remember your motto? Get some, get gone. Doesn't that ring a bell at all?"
I shake my head and step out of the shower. I don't really remember that, from either reality. I just remember loving her. That's not a bad thing, is it? "So what are these rules you couldn't wait five minutes to tell me about?" I ask as I grab a towel.
I start to dry my body off and can't help but enjoy the attention Cordelia's eyes are giving my body. When I don't get a response to my question I wrap the towel around my body and walk over to her to lift her chin so she's looking into my eyes. "I'm up here, not down there," I wink. I gently nudge her out of the way of the door and start walking towards her room. "Oh hey C, we're going to have to figure something out about this clothing situation. Know where I can get mine at?"
I pull on the same clothes I borrowed from her and a minute later she comes to join me in her room. "I gotta go."
"Huh? Go where? This is your house." Did I scare her that bad by letting her see me naked? Is my body that bad now?
"No, I have to go to a scooby meeting. That's why I bothered you in the shower. I have to go. But don't go anywhere yet 'k? When I get back we'll go get your stuff together but it's still not a good idea for you to go out by yourself yet in case someone sees you."
"Oh, how long you gonna be gone?" She shrugs and I suddenly feel very awkward. "Okay, well I guess I'll just watch TV or whatever until you get back." Yeah, this is definitely weird. I'm practically staying at a stranger's house.
"Okay well then I'll see you when I get back," she says before taking off. When I hear her front door open and shut I sit down on her bed and let out a long sigh. Why does this all have to be so confusing? I'm in love with a girl that I don't even know. Does that mean that I'm not in love with her? How can I be in love with her if she's not my Cordelia? But she's a lot like my Cordelia. She is Cordelia. I so need to stop thinking.
Heading downstairs I take in all my surroundings, trying to make some sort of connection with them. To find anything that'll help me remember who I really am, though I doubt I'll find it at Cordelia's house. Maybe when she takes me to pick my stuff up tonight, from wherever it is I was staying I'll remember something. Deciding to let it go for now I plop onto the plush couch and turn the TV on.
Now this is living. They must have satellite because there's a few hundred channels of stuff to choose from. I'm used to having about five. I find that Die Hard is on one of the movie channels and leave it there, kicking back to enjoy one of the best movies ever made.
By the time it's over, Cordelia still isn't back and I'm starting to get pretty hungry. This is me after all, and a bowl of cereal a day isn't going to cut it. I head into the kitchen and for a second I feel bad for rummaging through their cabinets but what choice do I have? I'm sure Cordelia doesn't want me to starve to death in her house. As I'm looking through the kitchen I realize that there's nothing here to eat unless I actually try to cook. I can do this without burning down the house, right?
I find some stuff to make spaghetti and realize that's pretty simple. Just boil some water, stick noodles in and heat up some sauce from a jar, right? Works for me. I finally find where they hide their pots and pull two out and put them on the oven. Now what? I play with some of the buttons on the stove until I assume it's turned on and fill one of them with water. Just as I finish that task Cordelia walks into the kitchen and just starts staring at me.
"Geez, you act like you never seen a girl cooking before."
"No, I've just never seen you cooking before," she shakes her head and lets out a little laugh. Is it really that amusing that I'm trying to put some damn food in my stomach?
"Well I was trying that domesticated thing. I hear chicks uhh... dig chicks that can cook or something. Besides, I can't possibly fuck it up as much as you did breakfast," I say with a wink. She scowls at me but sits down at the table. "Besides, consider this my way of wooing you. Isn't this romantic? Me cooking you dinner?"
"You're really not good at this romance thing are you?" she asks as she begins thumbing through some magazine that was on the table.
"At least I'm trying."
"And your effort is dully noted. If the food doesn't suck I'll give you a kiss okay?"
"Oh gee, thanks," I mumble as I go back to the food making sure not to burn it like C did our breakfast.
"Isn't that what you want?" Her voice takes on an exasperated tone and I turn back to face her.
"You know I'm starting to think cheerleaders really are airheads! How many times to I have do say it? I don't want your body. I want you to fall in love with me!" She just stares at me dumbfounded for a minute and I think it finally really sunk into her head. When I'm satisfied that she finally gets it I once again turn to the food before I hear her laughing behind me. "What did I do now?"
By the time I turn around now she's standing right in front of my with a silly grin on her face. "You uhh," she starts as she reaches up to wipe something off my face. Damn spaghetti sauce. Figures I'd have to try and cook something messy.
As she wipes it off my face with her fingertip I watch as she slides it into her mouth, tasting the sauce. I'm starting to think she's just after sex here because that's about one of the sexiest things I ever remember seeing. Then again I don't remember much so that may be why.
As she pulls her finger from her mouth I can't help the whimper that finds its way from my mouth. "Tastes good," she grins before she starts to walk away.
Shaking my head to gain my composure I realize there's no way I can let her just walk away like that. "Doesn't that mean I get my kiss now?" I ask before she exits the kitchen.
"Didn't you just say that's not what you wanted?"
"That's so not fair," I laugh as she turns around to look at me.
"Well you know, there's no fun in fair," she winks before leaving me alone to my cooking. I may not know what the hell is going on now that I'm out of a coma, but at least there's never a dull moment.
"Hey C, come here for a second," I shout as I climb into bed. It's weird, sharing a bed with C like this since we aren't together. Even weirder when I know they have empty beds in the house, or even a perfectly good couch to sleep on. Maybe it's that safety thing she said last night. Kinda like keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. But I'm not an enemy.
"Impatient much?" I hear her ask as she walks into the room. She's only got two towels on, one covering her body and one wrapped around her hair and I can smell the scent of the shower gel she had been using from across the room. It smells of something almost exotic and I can't think to even make a coherent sentence as I stare at the sight of perfection in front of me. So unguarded, vulnerable, and absolutely stunning. "Incoherent already?" she asks all too sweetly.
Nodding furiously I open my mouth to speak, but nothing but a few pants and whimpers come out. I've missed touching that body, making love to her, hearing her cry out my name. Fuck, I'm going to need a cold shower after this.
"If I'm correct, I do owe you for that little shower thing earlier, right?" She let out a lascivious grin as she moved over to her dresser, pulling out some night clothes. After she sets them down on the bed next to me I watch as she takes the towel from her head, drying her hair off as much as she can with it. "Now what did you want when you called me?"
I called her? Oh right, there was something. I try to tear my eyes off of her to concentrate but I'm helpless as I watch her drop the towel around her body. "See. Giles. Tomorrow," I manage to splutter as I watch her slowly pulling on her panties. She has the greatest legs I've ever seen. I just want to reach out and... Stop! "Giles. Yeah, Giles is old right? Not sexy. No sexy legs on Giles. Eww, Giles is gross."
She's laughing at me now. She's torturing me and she finds it funny. No way am I going to sit around for that. In one fluid movement I reach out to pull her in my arms before tossing her down on the bed. I quickly move so I'm sitting on her hips, making sure she can't go anywhere. "You know it's not nice to tease like that."
A brief look of panic flashes over her eyes and I realize she doesn't really trust me yet. Not that I can really blame her I suppose. As gently as I can while keeping my eyes on hers, I move my body so that I'm laying between her legs, and so our stomachs are pressed together as I rest my weight on my elbows. I can feel her body relaxing a little beneath mine as she realizes I'm not going to try anything. "Now, as I was saying before you decided to tease me in the worst way possible, can we go see Giles tomorrow?"
"I thought we agreed to wait a while until we figured something out?" Her hand comes up to start playing with my hair and I can't help but smile at that simple gesture.
"Well now B knows I'm here and I really just wanna get it figured out. You've got no idea what it's like having nothing but false memories. I just want to know something."
"I thought you already knew something."
"I do huh?"
"Uh huh." I watch her grinning as she reaches over and grabs the small bear I gave her earlier to show me.
"I know I'm sorry for earlier?"
She shakes her head and laughs softly at me. For a moment I actually forgot that she was near naked lying beneath me. I guess she has too since she hasn't tried to move me off of her yet. "There is that."
"There's more?" I prop myself farther up so I'm looking down into her eyes. "There's the small thing about me knowing I'm in love with you if that matters at all." When I feel her arms around me, pulling me closer I can't help but think that my loving her obviously does mean something. "Why'd you kiss me earlier?" I ask softly.
"Because I wanted to. Kinda like I do now," she whispers back before leaning up and softly brushing her lips over mine. I press into her, slowly deepening the kiss before sliding my tongue over her bottom lip. I almost expected her to pull away and smack me or something but instead she opened her mouth for me, sliding her tongue out against mine.
"C wait," I breathe out as I pull away from her. "If we don't stop now I don't think I'll be able to."
"Can't even handle kissing?" she teases.
"Not with you ninety-five percent naked beneath me and most certainly not after that little show you tried putting on for me."
"Fair enough," she replies before giving me another quick, chaste kiss. "Might as well get some sleep, it's been a long enough day."
"G'night doll."
"You know I kinda like that name," she says as I move so I'm laying next to her before wrapping one of my legs around hers and my arm around her waist.
I place a soft kiss on her neck before resting my head on her shoulder. "I always liked calling you that," I mumble as I close my eyes.
"Don't go trying to cop any cheap feels while I'm sleeping either." I can almost hear her smile at that.
"Like you'd complain?" I joke back, letting my fingertips softly trace patterns on her arm.
"I would if I was asleep to miss it," she laughs softly.
"You're gonna kill me you know," I laugh as well as I poke her in the side.
"Nah, I just got you. I'm not sick of you enough to let you go, yet," she jokes and I start tickling her. "Hey, what happened to sleep?" she giggles out and I stop tickling.
"You started it."
"Very mature."
"Yup, just like me," I beam as I go back to drawling lazy patterns on her arm.
"Right, I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
"You better, or else you'll be sleeping alone," I yawn, burrowing deeper into her embrace.
"You wouldn't do that to me. Or yourself much less." I feel her hand in my hair, softly curling it around her fingers again and shut my eyes as I listen to her gentle breathing.
"No, I wouldn't. But I should. And I will if you don't let me get some damn sleep."
"Geez Oscar, grouchy much?"
"Oscar? Where the hell did you get that?"
"Sesame Street? Oscar the grouch? Were you really that deprived as a child?"
"I'm not sure anymore, remember?" I whisper softly.
"Well how about this, I'll wake your lazy ass up tomorrow and we can watch it okay?"
"You dare to wake me up huh?" I laugh softly, feeling myself grow more tired.
"Why not? You love me, you won't hurt me."
"You know I've got my eyes closed but I can still see that silly grin on your face. Now let me sleep already before I start copping cheap feels with you awake."
"I might not complain," she chuckles.
"Maybe not, but when I touch you I don't want there to be anything cheap about it. Now shut up and let me sleep."
"Fine fine, you win. Good night."
"Night C. Love you."
"This show sucks. Why the hell did you wake me up for this? Can't I turn on X-Men?" I try to reach for the remote but Cordy's being stubborn as per usual.
"This is a very educational show. It's good for you and not about killing and demons. My God, isn't that already a big enough part of your life?"
"So? I might learn new techniques. Now turn this shit off. I already know how to count to ten."
"Really? I'm impressed."
"Bite me," I stick my tongue out as I pounce on top of her, pinning her arms down and grab the remote. "Ha, I win."
"You cheated," she pouts at me. "It's not fair to use your slayer strength against me."
"Well you can't pout! That's cheating too."
"Well give me the remote and I'll stop pouting," she grins.
"I've got a better way to make your pout go away," I smile widely before leaning down to kiss her gently. "Better?" I ask as I pull away.
"Almost, but maybe another one would help?" This time she leans up to kiss me, pressing her lips to mine before sucking my bottom lip into her mouth. Just as the kiss deepens and I forget about the remote I feel her grabbing it from my hand before she pulls away from me. "I win."
"Cheater," I take my turn to pout as I sit back on the couch, crossing my arms.
"I know, I'm a bitch," she smiles innocently. "But I'll make it up to you."
"You'll turn on X-Men?" I ask hopefully.
"No dumbass. Why the hell would I do that?" I watch as she wrinkles her nose in disgust and I can't help but find it cute. "But I'll take you to your apartment now if you want."
"Really?" I grin so wide at the thought of having my own stuff again I think my jaw could burst.
"Yeah, I mean, we gotta get you set up somewhere ya know. For when I move and all," she says softly, turning so she's not looking at me.
"So are you saying you're not going to fall in love with me?" I ask, just as softly. "Because you said you'd stay if you did."
"But I can't stay here. I don't belong here in this boring town. You know that."
"So what? You told me you'd stay even though it was a lie? Let me fall even more in love with you even though I'm going to lose you anyways? Real fuckin' mature C." I stand up and want to head for the door, but as I learned last night, there isn't much I can do out there so I might as well stay in here and face this.
"Faith, calm down and let me finish. Come to LA with me?" she asks as she walks over to me and puts her hand on my arm softly.
"With what money C? How?"
"I don't know, we'll figure it out. Lets just go one step at a time okay? First we'll go to your apartment, figure out what you own and stuff. Then we'll talk to Giles and see what happened and we'll go from there okay?"
"Sounds like a plan," I reply as I give her a quick kiss. I'm kinda nervous about the whole thing, not really sure what her and I are yet, but the 'just because' kisses seem to be an okay thing to do for now.
"Yeah, it does. Plans are good," she mumbles against my lips before kissing me back.
"Know what's even better?" I ask when I pull away and wrap my arm around her waist.
"What's that?" she questions back, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. For all of five seconds the fact that she's taller than me actually bothers me.
"You," I grin up at her.
"You dork," she laughs as she bends down to kiss me again.
"Your dork," I smile as she takes my hand in hers and pulls me out of the house.
"Holy shit, I lived here?" I ask as I look into the spacious apartment.
"Yeah, the mayor bought it for you once you turned on us. This umm," she pauses and pointed over to the shattered window that was now covered with some sort of plastic. "This is where you and Buffy last fought."
"When she put me in a coma?" I ask softly as I walk over to the window, for the first time taking in the damage at the apartment. I feel Cordelia's arms wrapping around me from behind and I lean into her embrace, thankful for her comfort.
"Why don't we just see what we can find here for now? Maybe clothes and whatever belongings you have."
I nod as I move from her arms and go towards the closet. The first thing I notice is that I've got a whole wardrobe of leather pants and wife beaters. This was definitely my apartment all right. As I'm sorting through the clothes the most God awful thing sticks out. "What the fuck is this?" I ask as I pull out a hideously pink dress.
Cordelia takes hey eyes off some contraption that she was playing with on the bed and starts laughing so hard it looks like she'll fall over. "I never knew you were into pink, princess," she says between fits of laughter.
"This so can't be mine. Someone had to put that there. I would never wear that. No way in fuckin' hell," I blurt out as I throw the dress across the room at Cordelia.
"Uh huh, sure, whatever you say Pinky."
"You're so asking for it," I said as I stalked towards her, ready to finish that tickle job I started last night.
"Hey, what is this anyways?" she asks holding up that weird contraption she had been toying with.
"Hell if I know," I shrug. "And don't you even try changing the subject on me."
"Umm, what subject?"
"Come on now, I know you're not that dense. Oh wait, you are. I retract that statement."
"Bitch," she laughs as she pulls me down on top of her.
"I thought you were the bitch here? Aren't I the dork?" I respond before leaning down to kiss her.
"My dork," she answers before her fingers find my ticklish spot.
I roll off of her as fast as possible, covering my sides with my hands and stick my tongue out at her. I move so I'm laying on my side and look at the old magazines sitting on top of the night stand beside the bed. When I open the top drawer there's nothing but more magazines there and a stash of some really old candy. Closing that one I reach down to open the bottom drawer as I feel Cordelia behind me, wrapping her arm around my waist.
"Hey uhh... Doll?"
"Yeah Pinky?" she laughs softly as I roll over to face her.
"Call me that again and I swear I'm going to kick your ass," I threaten, trying to sound as serious as possible.
"Whatever. You know you won't. Now what's the what? Why are you looking all shocked?"
I reach my hand down into the drawer and grab a handful of its contents and hold it up for her to see. "I'm loaded," I grin widely as I toss the handful of hundred dollar bills at her. I watch as her eyes light up and she moves on top of me to look down at the drawer, full of nothing but cash.
"See, now you have money to come to LA with me," she grins before kissing me again.
"Hmm, but now I've got this cool pad, a kick ass wardrobe, and a shit load of cash. What makes you think I still wanna go with you?" I tease as I move so I'm laying on my back and look up at the ceiling.
"Because you love me of course," she says as she moves so she's sitting on my hips.
"Hey," I whisper as I look up at her, smiling softly. "I umm... Will you be my girl C?"
"Hmmm," she looks down at me, a thoughtful expression on her face and I can feel my breath catching in my throat. "I think I'd like that," she smiles before kissing me again.
"You think?" I ask when she pulls away.
"I know," she replies, a smile forming on her lips before she lays her body down on top of mine, resting her head on my chest.
"I love you Cordelia," I murmur as I start playing with her hair. A part of me wishes she'd just say it back, even if she didn't mean it, but I suppose it's better than being lied to.
"I could stay like this forever," is her only response, and I can't help but laugh.
"Yeah right, I'd give you twenty minutes before you were in need of a magazine, a television, or some shopping. Besides, we gotta go see G-man and figure out what the fucks up so we can get outta this town right?"
"I ever tell you I love the way you think?" she asks as she looks up to smile at me.
"No, but feel free too any time. My ego can always use the boost."
"I think it's already big enough. So are you ready to face the gang if they're around?"
"I guess. I'm going to have to. It's that or never find out what the hells up."
"Well then let's go."
"You gotta get off of me first dummy," I laugh as I see the light bulb go off in her head. Sometimes I wonder if she tries to be this dense.
"Hey, do you think this is all too fast?" she asks as she walks over to the door.
"I dunno," I shrug. "Who cares? Are you happy?"
"Yeah, of course. You really think I'd be doing this if I wasn't?"
"Well then it doesn't matter how fast or slow it is. Just matters if you're happy. And you are, and I am, so why stop?"
"Point well taken. Now lets get out of here. We'll come back for your stuff later."
"What about the cash?"
"What about it? It's been sitting there for months. I don't think it'll suddenly disappear in a few hours. So lets go and then I can have you all to myself again."
"Demanding aren't you?" I joke, as she takes my hand, pulling me out into the unknown once more. But at least I know I'd have it no other way. This reality isn't so bad, after all.
"Do we have to do this?" I ask, giving C my best puppy dog eyes. They aren't the best, but hey, I'm not used to this being soft shit.I just figured that I always cave when people use them on me so maybe it'll work for me?
"Your the one who wants to know what happened aren't you? It's not like I want to be around this place any longer than I have to be. If it were up to me we'd take that cash and hop town now," she sighs dramatically and I get her point. It's not fun but we have to do it.
"But what if Giles tells the council and they take me away or something?" I ask, hardly believing I waited to have this debate until I'm standing outside of Giles' door.
"Didn't they already try that once, and fail? Just chill. What happened to that 'I'm so tough I'll kick your ass if you send me a funny look' attitude you used to have?"
"I don't remember it?" I ask meekly, laughing when she swats my arm.
"Well you need to. Don't you know all this worrying will give you wrinkles?"
I just shake my head at her, not even noticing as she knocks on Giles' door until it's too late. I shoot her a little glare before stepping to the side of the door, making sure that whenever it's opened I'm not the first thing to be seen. I hear someone scuffling behind the door, then the clicking noise as it's opened and take a deep breath.
"Ahh, Cordelia, what a pleasant surprise," Giles says in that overly stuffy, yet polite as always, way of his.
"Yeah, whatever. Look," she says, grabbing a hold of my hand and tugging me into view. Nice way to prepare the poor man. When he sees me all the color from his face drains out and I'm thinking maybe we should've just skipped the 'what happened' and took off straight for LA.
"Hi?" I offer shyly, not really sure what else to say. 'Sorry for trying to take over the world before, but I promise I don't remember it and I'm good now,' seems hardly believeable now that I'm actually here.
He's just staring, at me, then Cordelia, then both of us for I don't even know how long. I'm sure that little brain of his is going over a thousand different scenarios at the moment. That I'm good. That Cordelia's gone bad. Maybe that I'm holding her hostage and came to kill him?
As I think that last thought I can't help but giggle and both him and C turn to look at me. "What?" I shrug, giving them my best innocent smile. "I had a funny thought. So sue me."
"You dumbass."
"Well at least it broke the silence," I reply, sticking my tongue out at Cordelia. When I hear Giles clearing his throat I suddenly remember that I'm not alone with C and pull my tongue back into my mouth and rub the back of my neck. "Uhh, look G man, we gotta talk?" I ask, hoping he'll at least hear me out better than B did.
"Yes, Buffy did mention that you were now awake again. I should be thankful that she told me to be wary of you. And I don't believe I have anything to talk about with you, so if you'll please just leave I'd appreciate it. Though I would like to talk to you Cordelia. Whatever it is she's done to fool you, we need to undo. You shouldn't be talking to her."
I shoot C a pleading look, asking her to do the talking for me since talking is what she's always been best at and she takes my hand into hers as reassurance. "Look Giles, she hasn't done anything to me. Some weird stuff has happened and all we want is your opinion on how it happened. You're the only one who can help us."
Giles' eyes narrow as he looks back over at me, but he stops as he sees my hand being firmly held onto by the ex cheerleaders. "I'll hear you out then," he answers with a long sigh, and for a moment I almost want to just hug him.
I watch him step aside to allow C and I entrance into his apartment but as we go in I can't help but feel incredibly awkward again. "Please, have a seat," he motions to the couch where C leads me to sit down.
"So, I guess I should talk huh?" I ask as Giles sits across from us.
"It would be a start."
"Okay so uhh. I was bad right? And then C here tells me that B put me in a coma, and thats where I sorta left off as far as you know right?" I pause and watch his nod before I go on. "Yeah but see, when I woke up, I didn't remember that stuff, and I know you don't believe me right? B didn't either. But I have proof that something whacked happened, and I just need you to help me figure out what that something was?"
"So are you saying you had amnesia when you woke up from your coma? That you didn't remember everything that had happened in the last year?"
"Kind of like that. But I remembered the dreams I had when I was in a coma. I remembered being in Sunnydale all my life, B being my best friend, living with her and Miss S, and C, she was my girl in my dreams. And when I woke up, I thought all that was true, so I went to C's house and then she told me it wasn't. I think she kinda thought I was nuts."
"You are nuts," Cordelia chimes in.
"Right. But here's the thing. The stuff I remembered when I woke up, was just dreams right? But see, I knew everything from those dreams so real. I knew my way around C's house, and in reality I had never been there before. So how would I have been able to dream up what the inside of her house is like?"
"So you had forgotten your past, and woke with different memories, that were too real to be dreamed, and you wanted me to help give you answers on why this happened?" Giles asks as he shifts in his seat and pulls his glasses off.
"I think thats it?"
"Yes, that's it. Can you tell us why she remembered how to walk around my house and around Sunnydale and who everyone was but not know anything about her past?" Cordy interrupted, obviously ready to get out of Giles' place.
"Well it could be several things. Have you considered selective amnesia before?" he questions as he slides his now cleaned for the millionth time that day glasses back on.
"But she'd never been in my house before. No matter how selective it is, she can't select to just know her way around my house when she wakes up." Okay, so Cordy's starting to confuse me now.
"Hey umm, why don't we just forget it? From all that's happened since I've been awake I'm starting to think it's better that I don't know that past."
"Does that mean we can go to LA now?" Cordelia asks, already forgetting everything else that's been a discussion.
"As soon as you've got your stuff and tell me where to go then we're gone babe."
She throws her arms around my neck and gives me a big kiss which I'm hesitant to respond to in front of the G man, but her lips are just too soft to not give into. After a few seconds she breaks the kiss and pulls away, leaving Giles obviously as flustered as myself. "Oh, Faith and I are together now Giles," Codelia explains softly. Did she just say 'together' as in girlfriends? Is that what we are? I'll have to be sure and ask her that one later.
"Thanks for taking the time to hear me out Giles. I guess we'll be leaving now." We both stand up to leave and Giles walks us to the door in his polite way and I offer him a lopsided grin before walking out, hoping he'll at least talk some sense into B one of these days.
But at least now I've got more important things to worry about. Taking C's hand into my own I pull her close to me and press my lips to hers. "So you ready for LA?" I question when we pull apart from the brief kiss.
"I've been ready all my life. I don't even want to take much or say goodbyes. I just want to be gone. And figure out everything when we get there. I want to leave all of this behind," she smiles as she wraps her arms around me. "Except for you."
"Well thats good since I'm the one with the cash to get you there," I laugh as we start walking back to my old apartment. "Now you aren't just using me for my riches are you Miss Chase?"
"No, that's just a perk. I'm using you for your hot body," she winks and tries to hold in her laugh.
"Glad we've got that cleared up," I smile back, but a part of me can't help but feel its true. That I am nothing but a temporary fix, someone to get her out of her problems. "Hey C, what happens when we get to LA?"
"I don't know," she shrugs and stops walking to look at me. "But before we go, I've got something for you," Cordy says with a sly grin as she pulls me into her arms.
"And what might that be?" I ask, nuzzling her neck.
"You've gotta guess," she laughs softly.
"Uhh, is it a banana?"
"No dumbass," she pokes me in the side, tickling me.
"Is it a kiss?"
She leans down to kiss me softly and I can feel her smiling against my lips. "Close, but that's still not it," she breathes out.
"Is it love?" I ask hopefully, looking up into her eyes.
I watch the grin that spreads across her lips as she pulls me even closer to her before moving her mouth down to my head. "It most definitely is. I love you Faith," she whispers in my ear. I don't think any words could've ever dissipated my fears so fast.
"I love you too C," I pull her into a deep kiss, ready to see what's waiting for us in LA. I'll come back here one day to make things right with everyone, but the only thing I care about now is making the girl in front of me happy. Finally, I'm back with my Cordelia, just where I've always belonged. What could be better than that?