I've been watchin' her sleep for the better part of the morning. She looks like a fuckin' goddess, with her hair plastered to her cheeks and forehead. The sheet pulled half way down her body just enough to see the tat just above her beautiful ass. She looks almost golden, skin dark against white sheets. I still can't believe I'm here with her. I've fucked my share of people over the years, but I think this is the first time I've ever made love to someone. Or better yet, this is the first time someone has ever made love to me.
What I'm feelin' for her scares the shit outta me. I mean what do I have to offer her? Not a whole helluva lot, that's for damn sure. But at the same time, I think, maybe that don't matter so much to her. And I don't know how to deal with that.
"Hey you." She smiles at me.
She's so beautiful.
"Hey yourself." I smile back.
"What time is it?" She yawns.
"Almost 11." I tell her as I stroke her arm.
"That late?"
"Yeah."
"Faith?"
"Huh?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nuthin'"
"Then why do you look like you just lost your best friend?"
"Nuthin's wrong Cordelia. Honest."
"Are you okay with this?"
"With what?"
"With the Iraqi trade embargo...us silly...with the fact that we...you know..."
"What? Fucked?"
"Is that how you see it?"
"Look C, last night was...sweet."
I cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth.
"Sweet?"
"Look let's just drop it, 'kay?"
"This wasn't just some roll in the hay for me Faith. I was hoping it wasn't like that for you either."
"I can't do this C. I can't talk about feelin's an' shit like that. Can't we just leave it at that?"
"Fine. Whatever. I need to get dressed."
Shit, now she's pissed. Way to go Faith. Loser. I wish I could tell her what's goin' on inside me. But I can't. It just ain't in me to do it. She leaves before I can say anything else. Damn.
It's been a week sense we...since I screwed up everything with Cordelia. She just looks past me now, like I don't even exist and it cuts me right to my gut. It's like the worst pain I've ever felt. And I mean considerin' the fact I've been gutted, tossed offa roof, and comatose, that's sayin' a lot.
"Yo Faith, what's up with Cordy?"
"Dunno, G."
"She's been like uber bitch lately."
Before I knew it, I slammed Gunn against the wall.
"Call her that again, and you'll be sippin' a straw from your ass, got me?"
"Chill Faith! I was just kiddin'. Damn!"
I get my head back and let 'im go.
"Sorry G, I..."
"You need to check yourself Faith. Slayer or no slayer, next time you pull some shit like that..."
"I won't man...look, I'm sorry 'kay. I just lost my head for a second. Just a little tense lately is all."
"Girl, save it for Oprah. Whatever it is goin' on with you, deal and move on. Got it?"
"Got it. Are we cool now?"
"Yeah, we cool."
He's right. I need to go talk to C. I just don't now what the hell I'm gonna say to her. It's not like I've ever had to deal with shit like this before. How do I even get near her now? Everytime I come within a foot of her, she puts the freeze on. Still, I have to do somethin', cuz being without her is killin' me.
"Hey C."
"Hm, still here, huh? Thought you'd be out humping some stranger's leg this time of night."
"Why you gotta be like that?"
"Like what Faith, honest, forth coming, realistic?"
"Does makin' me feel like shit make you feel better?"
"I thought you couldn't talk about feelings."
"Just cuz I can't talk about them don't mean they ain't there C."
"How do you think I feel Faith, huh? That was...it was the closest I've ever felt to anyone. And you couldn't even acknowledge it. All you did was cheapened it."
I could see tears in the corners of her eyes and I could feel mine start to get blurry. And all I wanted to do was grab her, and kiss her and just hold her for the rest of my life and suddenly my mouth started moving and I didn't know what was coming outta it.
"Loving you scares me Cordelia. I don't feel like me. This doesn't feel like me. I've spent most of my life not caring if I lived or died, cuz I never had anyone care whether I lived or died. And now with you, it's different. I don't know what you see in me an' I feel like if you keep lookin' close enough you'd see I'm not for shit an' haul ass and I'd be left with this big ache in me. There's all this shit floatin' in my head and it won't stop and...it scares me."
She takes me by the hand and pulls me into her and I can smell her, and feel her, and my head swims and I start whimperin' like a little kid. She rocks me and strokes my hair, my back, whispering in my ear.
"Shh...It's okay baby. You don't have to be afraid. I'm not going anywhere. I just want to be with you. I just want to love you and be loved by you. The rest will take of itself and whatever doesn't, we'll face it together."
"I-I'm so sorry Cordelia..."
"It's okay sweetie. Everything is okay now. From now on, everything is going to be okay."