Right, I'm in love with Faith. I love her. OK, so, this love gig... not sure how that goes exactly. So how do I know I'm in love with her? I just kind of...do. Which probably means it's for real. I mean, if I was just imagining it then...well, I wouldn't be trying to talk myself out of it would I? It's not that I don't want to love her. I just never really thought about it in terms of love before. So I love her. Right. That's nice. That's just great. I finally fall in love with someone and it's a girl. And I'm still involved with a guy. My timing is impeccable.
Said girl is sitting in my passenger seat right now looking gorgeous. In a sort of tragic, tear-stained kinda way. We're supposed to be heading back to her place to talk. This, however, is not a good plan. If we go back and start talking, I'm going to start blurting out all sorts of stuff that I won't be able to take back. And we really haven't been involved for all that long and I'd probably scare her to death if I declared my undying love for her right now. As far as I can tell she's not much for lasting relationships. In fact, what we have probably qualifies as an engagement. She did say that she really liked me though. And she's been watching me since she got here...so...so nothing, I cannot tell her I love her. Definitely not.
Of course, that means that those three little words are going to be on the tip of my tongue all night. Which means talking is out. So I'll have to think up something else for us to do. Would it be morally reprehensible for me to sleep with someone who's had the kind of day she's had just to avoid accidentally telling her I love her? Probably. But I'm not ruling it out just yet. I could maybe, like, just listen to her and not reply. I mean, she's the one with all the problems right? I could just nod at the appropriate points. But that'd be hard for me. Not speaking I mean.
So we're back to the jumping her as soon as we get in the room plan. Oh God why is my life so complex? Why am I always having these great big traumas? I get stalked by mental invisible people, I get kidnapped and hung upside down by the Master's minions, I'm used as fodder for big horrible snakey things, I get in a relationship with Xander Harris and now I've fallen in love with a Vampire Slayer. Yep, welcome to my life.
Anyway, we're nearing the motel now and I still haven't decided what I'm going to do about the whole love deal. Shit, I suppose it's go- with-the-flow time. She really hasn't said all that much, or anything really, since we had the big tear-fest when I leapt onto her lap. So maybe we don't need a heart to heart as we've already had some touchy-feeliness. I can live in hope.
I draw into the parking-lot and turn the engine off. I look over at her to find her staring at me with those deep-brown eyes. Then she leans towards me and caresses my cheek. I love it when she does this. I love it that she's so gentle with me. Would it be so bad if I told her I loved her? Yes. It would be so bad. It would lead to awkwardness and shock and her leaving. Probably. Things were so much simpler before. Is that what love is? A complication? It doesn't feel like a complication. It feels nice...good. Do we think I could come up with more insipid words to describe this overwhelming emotion? That's the problem, it is overwhelming. Her hand is soft on my face, I just want to melt into her, to be part of her...there, that was better than 'nice' and 'good'.
"Uhhh...maybe we should take this inside."
There, that gives me...oh, about a minute and a half to get myself under control. Things I must not do: tell Faith I'm in love with her, put pressure on her, take advantage of her in her depressed state of mind, tell her I'm in love with her. Right, glad I've got that straight.
She's opening the door now. Wow. The room is untidy. That's the first time I've ever seen it like this. I guess it kinda reflects her state of mind when she left it. She's currently running around, picking up clothes and straightening bed covers and other such things. I choose my moment and grab her on the way past. I plant my hands firmly on her shoulders and look her directly in the eye.
"Leave it, it doesn't matter."
She drops the garments she was holding. Hmmm, she seems to be in an obedient mood. Were I not a nice person I could use that to my own benefit. But I won't. I guide her over to the bed and we sit down on the rumpled blanket. I move my hand to her thigh, offering reassurance. I wait for her to speak.
She doesn't seem to be in any hurry to do so.
I wish she'd speak soon.
I'm getting fidgety now.
She looks so cute and if she doesn't start fucking talking soon I'm going to have to tell her I love her. And I will not be a happy bunny if I'm forced to do that.
"I want you to tell Xander."
OK, that was not what I thought she was going to say. In fact, it wasn't even in the realm of possible first sentences.
"You want me to tell Xander? About us?"
"No, about the sale at Neiman-Marcus."
At least she's making jokes, that's an improvement over earlier. She wants me to tell Xander. Oh my God. That's, like, a total statement of commitment. That's like her way of saying that she really cares about me...right? I mean, if I was just a passing amusement she wouldn't want me to dump my boyfriend...right? So she must kinda love me.
I feel lighter all of a sudden. Like after colonic irrigation. OK, not the best comparison in the world but I can't really think straight right now.
"I'll tell him tomorrow."
She smiles. I need to kiss her. So I do. Long and hard. Her hand comes up and tangles in my hair. Her arm is strong around my waist, holding me tight against her. Her lips move desperately against my own. It's like I can't put enough of what I'm feeling into the kiss, I'm trying to go deeper but I can't. My hands trail up her body and come to rest on her shoulders. I push gently.
She leans back on the bed and I follow her. Our lips remain locked as we move up the bed. I need her so badly right now I want to scream. But my mouth's far too busy for that. It doesn't take much to remove her tight shirt and her bra, allowing me to devour her with me eyes before moving in and licking her throat. A deep moan escapes her mouth and her hands pull urgently at my clothes. But she's going to have to wait. I bite down on her neck and she sucks in a shuddering breath.
"Cor...I..."
I place a finger on her full lips and shake my head.
"Shhhh, no talking."
I place a kiss on her bruised cheek before moving down and capturing her erect nipple with my teeth. She hisses and her body arches up into me, seeking out more contact. I grant it freely as I take her breast into my mouth. Her hand rakes up my back and her hips are pressing against my stomach. I turn my attention to her other breast and she whimpers. I have never been as turned on as I am right now, and she's barely touched me. My body is on fire, ablaze, alive.
"Cor...I...I need..."
I look up at her. Desire is etched across her face. I lean up to brush my lips across hers as I undo her flies. A wave of love sweeps over me as I watch her face when questing fingers make contact with enflamed flesh. Her eyes close and her head pushes back against the pillow. We move together rhythmically, like dancers who know each step. I use my free hand to sweep some hair from her sweat dampened brow. Her eyes flutter open at my touch. She looks up at me with such trust. I lower my head so that our foreheads are touching. Our lips don't quite meet and I can feel her breath on my face. I press my hand against her more firmly and she gasps at the change. Her breathing becomes ragged and I feel her nails dig into the skin on my shoulder. She inhales deeply and her lower body lifts right off the bed. I feel her go rigid against me as the tremors of her climax seem to run right up my arm.
"Cordelia..."
The word is barely more than an exhalation but it sets off something deep within me and the next thing I know I'm collapsing on top of Faith as my breath is stolen and my body explodes with release. Well, that was unexpected. I've never had one of those with all my clothes on before. Wow.
Faith stirs beneath me and I turn my head to face her. There are tears running down her cheeks. Not for the first time tonight I gather her into my arms and hold her as she cries.
"Shhhh baby, shhhh."
She clings to me and buries her face in my neck. I run my hand up and down her bare back, fingers flitting over faded scars and cooling skin. Her crying gradually eases until her breathing becomes slow and even. I pull the covers up over us, ignoring the fact that she's half naked and I'm fully clothed. I lie, drinking in the scent of her hair, smiling.
I'm wearing a skirt. I don't usually sleep in a skirt. Do I? Definitely not one this tight. What the...oh, right, I'm at Faith's. I throw my arm out to hug her. It flops down on a whole heap of nothing. Why won't my eyes open? I think someone glued them shut during the night. Oh, got one open, that's a start. The bed's empty. A big expanse of wide open space. Where the fuck is Faith? Oh no, she's gone. She's decided she can't handle this and she's taken off, back to Boston or somewhere equally unreachable. This cannot be happening to me.
God, paranoia much? She probably just went to the Espresso Pump for coffees and donuts or something. Or for an early morning jog type thing. Yeah, that must be it. I mean, she wants me to tell Xander about us...why would she run off after saying something like that? She wouldn't. Definitely.
I flop over onto my side and a flash of white catches my eye. It's a note. OK, I think my stomach just turned to ice. It's a 'Dear John' letter, I know it. Or is it 'Dear Jane' when it's a girl? I'm not sure. Oh yeah, Cordy, focus on insignificant details to block out the impending doom of the letter. I reach over and snag the offending sheet of paper. My hand is trembling and I have to take a deep breath before I turn it over to read the words.
'C,
Sorry about leaving so early. I was gonna wake you up but you looked really cute so I let you sleep. I got a lot of shit I need to think about so I'm just gonna take off for the day, get my head straight you know? I'll be back later.
About last night, you don't have to tell Xander if you don't want to. I guess I just wanted to see what you'd say if I asked you to. Which is a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry. But thank you for everything you did. I never felt like that before, like I was worth a damn. So thank you.
Love
Faith
PS Good luck in the SATs. I know you'll do great.'
Well, if I wasn't completely head-over-heels for her before, I definitely am now. It's like she took a class in writing love- letters or something. An apology for leaving, an explanation and a compliment on my cuteness all in the first couple of lines. And the Xander thing was a test...which I can understand, with her being so down on herself and everything. She just wanted to make sure I was serious. And she remembered about the SAT scores coming out today and everything.
And the best part: she signed it 'Love Faith'. 'Love'. She didn't have to put that. She could've just signed her name. But she wrote 'Love'. I bring the note to my lips and press a kiss to her name. I can feel the blood rushing to my face with embarrassment at my supreme corniness but I don't care. Maybe my life doesn't suck quite as much as I thought.