I suppose you're surprised that I did it. Or maybe not. You always knew me better than anyone. At least, I thought so. You never made me self-conscious, never made me feel like a freak, an outcast, though I had no control.
I envied your control. I wanted it so much. Oh, sure, you had to have help, most people do, but you were exquisite in the way you made it seem like you were on top of everything, even when the world was collapsing around you.
I could have had it. Had you, your control. All I needed to do was reach out and touch and you would have been mine, all mine. Just me and you here in my head. Forever. Well, except for Logan and Erik and David and Carol. But I would have taken all of you. Every last bit of you and I would have exploded from happiness that I finally had you all to myself.
Jean never appreciated you. Never. Not as much as I could have. As I did. Yeah, she was faithful. She never slept with Logan, but she wanted to. I never slept with him either, despite what everyone thinks. I didn't want to. I knew him, better than anyone, and I knew he didn't, couldn't want me. He had eyes only for red hair and blue eyes, same as you.
You don't know how alike you two are, really. Except for your control.
That's what I wanted, and why I wanted you, Scott.
I'm so sorry about last night. I didn't mean -- no, that's a lie. I did mean it. I do love you. I wanted you to know, wanted you to think of life beyond her. Life with me. And you looked so sad when you told me you didn't want me. I know you tried to let me down easy, and you did. I knew what your answer would be long before you said it. I just had to make sure. Because I would have hated to have found out now that you loved me. So really, you just made it easier for me. And I really, truly am thankful for that.
Don't blame yourself. I don't. It was easy, so easy to put the gun in my mouth and blow off the back of my head. Even Logan couldn't heal me from that.
I'm just sorry you're the one who found me. Love you.
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