it's a myth
It's a myth that Saint Peter meets you at the gate. Actually, it's just a voice. A loud one. I didn't like it.
It's also a myth that dead is just that; dead. They said-come to think of it, I'm not sure who "they" are, exactly, but at any rate-they said that I'm entitled to one last letter. "Any final words" was the line they always used in those old Western movies Xander always liked to watch.
I always assumed (in the last few years, anyway) that if I were faced with an opportunity like this, I would choose Xander. But Xander isn't strong like you, and I thought that if I wrote to him, he might not understand it, and if I wrote to you, you could comfort him. But not by having sex with him.
I never really understood why you didn't like me. I tried my hardest, but mortals now are strange. And very different from when I was a mortal. Things like love and death are very confusing.
As a demon, I saw lots of both, but they never had meaning to me. Love was something that went away after time, and death was a punishment for the men who made it go away. Angel and Riley made it go away for you. But Xander never made it go away for me. That was strange. And nice. I hope there is someone who doesn't make it go away for you someday. Someone who isn't Xander.
Xander used to teach me little things about "how things are". He always said that in a funny voice. Things like chicken is only a finger-food when you're at home, and you should sometimes tell people they look nice when they don't. It makes them feel good.
He said that every time you learn something new, you should teach it to someone else. I don't think I'm very smart, but I learned some things from him. Your favorite sweater is always clean, even when it isn't. And he always told me that saying what was on my mind was good, and never to stop. I want you to tell him that I never did.
I want you to tell him that I love him. As much as I can understand love. When I was sad, he could make me smile, and even when he was sad... he could still make me smile. That was important. You have to tell him to smile. I don't want him to be sad that I died.
Love doesn't alway have to be perfect and death doesn't always have to be sad. That's a myth.
d e a d l e t t e r s h o m e