so long, farewell

Dear Angel,

I hope you're happy I'm dead. I'm not going to tell you the when, where and how of it but I'll tell you what happened before it. It's... easier that way. So where was I? I left you and drove off onto the freeway. Got a couple of death-glares from cops before I pulled in at a reststop and saw the crudely drawn sign. What a wonderful trick, the funniest thing ever! As you're reading this you probably don't fully understand the sarcasm behind my last sentence. And I mean why should I be bitter? I only had a few short hours left of my life and I had to worry about cops taking my plate number 'cause some wise-guy vampire (that'd be you by the way) stuck a sign on my truck. But I want to say 'thanks'!

You screwed my life up. You screwed me up.

I had a great life, was happy just doin' my job, all the usual mundane day to day routines. Nevertheless you had to walk into the boardroom and into my life and shove my client out a window. Yeah I was pissed over that and tried to stand up against you with false bravado. But did you know that I wanted you? You walked up, brazen and audacious as I would later learn you would be every time you fought, air quote, 'evil', and you walked up to me and slipped my card back into my pocket. I looked up at you seeing really for the first time the chocolate brown eyes that would linger in my memory right up until the moment of my death.

That's when all the lines began to get blurred.

Good, bad, right, wrong, they ceased to mean anything. The only things I could depend on was that my co-workers would try to stab me in the back and that you would try and stop my every move that you deemed 'wrong'. I would ask whether you've looked in the mirror recently but well the whole vampire thing...but if you did you would see the face Wolfram and Hart have in their books as 'The One with the Angelic Face'. I don't think anyone has ever realized how much evil you committed. You wouldn't if you didn't have your precious soul. I was prepared for you to be an enemy of the firm easy to dispose, just another fly to swat, then I discovered you were a vampire with a soul. Still that didn't stop you from being so self- righteous, so damn smug. What gave you the goddamn right to take my hand? You have supernatural strength and speed, I was a mortal lawyer, tired after a case and an hour's worth of bitching from Lilah. Did it make you feel better? Standing over me, doing the holier-than-thou routine once again while I lay bleeding on the floor?

Remember that night after we saved the blind children? We had been driving to the mentor's house and were attacked by the Eponwb demon and just as you were about to stab him he swung his big club like arms and knocked you onto the floor then the English man cleanly sliced his head off? I gave you my hand and helped you up. You let your hand linger a moment longer than necessary in mine and you smiled at me. It was the first time I'd seen a smile other than the usual point-and-laugh-at-Lindsey's-misfortune smile but a genuine smile. After we'd gone back to the office and Wesley and Cordelia had gone out for a drink we sat together in awkward silence until you broke it by asking me would I like a drink. It was strong mature whiskey, that kind that didn't give a tingly burning sensation in your throat but it simply slid down, warm amber goodness. After a few glasses we had begun to talk, I'm not sure what about but I know I laughed at something you had said and at the point you kissed me. Then you pulled away looking at me nervously, never breaking eye contact until I closed my eyes and you kissed me again so softly I was unsure it had even happened. Then you kissed me harder and I just melted into the sweetness of your mouth. And when your icy fingers trailed across my stomach it was an invitation, a promise and a damnation all at once. Did you think I could ever forget that one short glorious night we had together? I know that you don't risk your soul over just anyone. You knew there would be a risk that night because you felt something for me. It wasn't love or lust, simply need. All you had to do was to guide me and I would have been on your side, the side of the Powers, the side of light. Instead you just went to sleep. Left me to get dressed and leave myself out of the office. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? You could have saved me but well, we all know you didn't. So I left, left you and L.A. And met my death.

I wonder will my memory haunt you and your precious soul for the rest of your immortal life?

I spent weeks just thinking, wondering, waiting for some sign you cared. Darla once told me that it's not betrayal that hurts it's missed opportunities. I understand that what she meant now. I think she taught you that too. You know how complicated it is to let go of the past. You know how difficult it is to make the right choice. You know how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you love.

I also know now.



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