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Human
Did you know about this? How come they never tell us? It's not like writing, even though I can see the words...somewhere. But it's not really like seeing. Trying not to think about that right now. It's actually kind of unnerving, but cool. Apparently this is the last thing I'll ever have a finite amount of time to do. So here goes, the answers to all the questions we haven't covered, everything I can tell you about being a modern mortal in however long they'll give me to tell you. For starters, there's nothing that's not worth laughing about. Except apocalypse and the last donut from a full box -- those are subjects of seriousness. There's also nothing worth crying about, so try not to unless you really mean it. Scrambled eggs: use water, not milk. It makes them fluff the way you like. Don't screw around with evil, magic, or evil magic. I know you know this, but it bears repeating. Other things to avoid: Taco Bell after midnight, churches, odd-numbered Trek movies, people who own ferrets, and waterbeds. There's $520 in the can of decaf Melita in the freezer. Spend it all in one place. Get Willow to tell you the story about my dinosaur shower curtain in the fourth grade. Brake pedal is on the left. Discretion is the best policy but honesty is the better part of valor. That habit you have of not complying when people tell you to stop talking? Don't ever break it. Bruce Wayne over Clark Kent, cookie dough over cookies-and-cream. Most people are basically good, but that doesn't mean you should listen to them. People you should listen to include Buffy and certain people with books and glasses. Also, anyone holding a sign that says "The End Is Near." At some point I bet you'll start wondering about other guys. And I'm totally fine with that. It's not good to dwell on the past. You have to move on. When the time comes, try to go easy -- we're only male, we honestly have no idea what the hell we're doing. Just remember: it took you a thousand years to find me and I expect you to wait at least that long in mourning before you even consider the merits of the spaceman beside you. And that's it, how to live in the human style and die happy. I should know, I'm the expert now. Well, one more thing. The best way to dance is in white socks on a clean kitchen floor. I love you. Xander
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