Xander & Anya LIFE


Not Like This

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

It was supposed to Anya and me and baby - or babies - make three. We did all the things that a successful couple is supposed to do. We dated, we moved in together, we got married, we worked and saved money so we could start a family before we turned thirty. We followed the timeline.

Only, the timeline took a sharp turn into "Uh-uh, not for you"-ville.

Two years spent trying to get pregnant the old-fashioned, fun-filled way. Four miscarriages later, we knew something was wrong. The doctors all said something in Anya kept rejecting the fetus. Fetus. That's what they called it. To us, it was always our son or daughter.

Three more years of in vitro fertilizations. Only two took and those miscarried as well. Once, Anya made it to the sixth month and we thought we were home free. We even told some of our friends she was pregnant, the first time we had done that since the third miscarriage.

She lost that one too. Her name was Jenny. Giles's face lit up when we told him what we wanted to name her. I try not to remember what it looked like when we told him we lost her.

Finally, I called in a favor to Angel. Got him to find a way to contact Anya's old boss, maybe shed some light on why this was happening. I couldn't accept a purely scientific reason. Turns out I was right.

D'Hoffryn told Angel that Anya would never be able to bear children. It was part of her punishment for losing her immortality and powers. He said her blood and her line would never carry on because it was tainted. Unpure, he said.

When I told her, she just nodded. I think a part of her knew. I said what I could, told her there were other options. We could adopt, get a surrogate, something. I held her and stroked her hair and watched her try not to cry.

I told her it was her I loved, not her breeding abilities. I told her she had more purity and life in her than anyone I had ever known.

I kept telling her I loved her, over and over. I think it helped.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.