Sex With Vampires (Don't Do It!)
You would think that being engaged to a girl who actually appreciates his penis would make Xander happy--and usually it does. But ever since Xander got the "double whammy," he's been impossible. Just--absolutely impossible. I even offered to wear a costume while we had sex, but he refused to consider it and continued to sulk like an overgrown child.
I don't understand why he's so upset. I tried to explain that having sex with a vampire was just as valid as having sex with an ex-vengeance demon, but he seemed to be very offended about that. I also tried to point out that it was technically his fault that Cordelia was having sex with a vampire, because if he had never made out with Willow while dating Cordelia, Cordelia would have never gotten hurt, broken up with him, summoned me, and then gone to Los Angeles where she met up with Angel and ended up having sex with him.
He really didn't like that. He got so mad that he went bowling without me and forgot his lucky charm--the "Xander+Anya4EVER" medallion he made in the machine there. Of course, he bowled a lousy game because of it, but I was mad at him anyway so I didn't care.
When he came home complaining--yet again--I decided it was time to stand up for myself and be assertive, like Dr. Laura and Judge Judy are always telling their listeners. I really don't want to end up a caller on the Dr. Laura show. She's really mean and besides, all of her callers are losers. Besides, letting Xander stew in his own juices is a bad idea. He does stupid things like punching walls or buying cubic zirconium jewelry from QVC.
"Anya, where are my bowling shoes?" he asked in his mad voice. "I thought I told you not to hide them from me."
"I haven't," I said. "You can't see them because you're still upset about Spike having sex with Buffy and Angel having sex with Cordelia. You probably don't even remember that you put them in the closet next to your bowling ball bag, do you?"
"I did not. And I already looked there," he said petulantly. "And I'm not upset."
"Yes, you are," I said, determined to be cheerful about this. "You're in denial. You won't have sex with me and all you do is go bowling and act grouchy. You're upset."
"An--" he said before suddenly getting even grouchier. "So what? Yeah, I'm upset. The first two girls I ever really loved are now getting groiny with vampires. That's so wrong."
"I never thought having sex with a vampire would be fun," I admitted. "Especially having sex with Angel. What would he say in bed? Oh baby, oh baby, oh stop--I think you may be fucking me soulless?"
Xander stared at me as though I'd mentioned our sex life in public again--and then he started laughing harder than I'd ever seen him laugh. He actually started crying because he was laughing so hard. I didn't quite get it. If Angel has perfect happiness in sex, he goes soulless, so why wouldn't he say that to Cordelia?
"Oh, God, Anya," he said, holding onto the back of a chair for support. "You're killing me here. I can SO see it. Of course, he is having sex with Cordy."
"So?" I said. "You had sex with Cordelia, didn't you?"
He gave me a look. "Not exactly."
"Xander, oral sex is sex," I said. "Just because you didn't have coitus doesn't mean you didn't have sex."
"We only did that the one time," he said, sounding awfully uptight for a man who likes to role-play in the bedroom.
"So what?" I said, surprised. "You guys did a lot of mutual masturbatory techniques? Didn't you get tired of hand--"
"An," he said in his warning voice. "Let's not get into my high school almost-sex sex life."
I snorted. He was only so high and mighty because he got to have orgasms without worrying about the state of his soul. I noticed he wouldn't even talk about Buffy and Spike. We could save it for another time, maybe.
"Do you think that they have lots of oral sex?" I said, trying to imagine what a sex life would be like for someone who could have sex but really shouldn't because good sex would be the kiss of death for his soul. I imagined that I wouldn't want to be Cordelia--even if Angel was really good at cunnilingus, he could still go fangy and that would have to hurt.
Xander's eyes got wide, like he'd never thought of it.
"Ew," he said. "But I can so see it. Angel decides to be all noble and then Cordelia starts to get noisy and bossy and--"
He started laughing again.
"Cordelia was always really noisy," he said, sounding kind of embarrassed.
"I wouldn't be happy in a sexual relationship like that," I said. "Maybe they ask a third party for help. Maybe Wesley--"
I didn't get any further. Xander was laughing so hard I was sure he was going to choke on his own mucus. Again, I wasn't sure why. I was trying to make sense of a very difficult situation. Wesley loved both of them and I'm sure he'd help out--maybe not in a having sex way, though. But if Angel couldn't have orgasms with Cordelia, but enjoyed watching her have them--and if Wesley was sort of bisexual, which I was sure he was--and if Cordelia and Wesley had been sexually attracted before--why not? It would be loving--and rife with orgasms.
"I think it's a very sensible solution, personally," I said. "Orgasms for everyone involved who wasn't Angel. Don't you think it's a sensible plan?"
"In an insane alternate universe, maybe," Xander said, shaking his head. "A guy-guy-girl threesome involving Angel, though?"
He looked at me and grinned. "I have to tell Will that one sometime."
I pouted. "You're making fun of me," I said accurately. I went over to the couch and sat down, folding my arms in the unhappy way that makes Xander nutty. He immediately followed me to the couch and sat down beside me with his puppy-dog look. I love the puppy dog look. I get mad to see the puppy-dog look.
"No, An, no," he said. "It's just--it's just that this whole thing is absurd."
I didn't think it was more absurd than someone marrying an ex-vengeance demon, but Xander can be funny about what you can have sex with and what you can't.
"If it makes you feel better, I'd rather have sex with you," I said. "I think Buffy and Cordelia are dumb for picking vampires instead of you. You're sexy--and we can go outside during the day."
Xander gave me a soft, squishy kiss. I liked that. He tasted good, like salt and vinegar potato chips.
"I love you," he said. "You always make me feel good."
"Good," I said. "So you never had coitus with Cordelia?"
"Never," he said. "Why?"
"She was awfully mad at you," I said, snuggling against him. "You know, it's kind of because of Cordelia that we're together. I should get her a present. Maybe candles. She and Angel could have sex next to them."
Xander glared at me. Pretending to be inhuman can be a lot of fun at the right moment.
"Or maybe I'll just invite her to the wedding."
That seemed to be good enough. Xander gave me a big kiss and orgasms followed soon after.
What? You don't like how the story ends, you write the sex scene.