Looking Glass Self
Nobody ever knows you completely. There are some people that get close to
knowing, but they never completely get it. What they get is a reflection of
themselves off of you.
So, since it's impossible to ever really know someone, I don't see why I
should feel bad about hating her even though I don't know her. I never
really knew him, either, but I know that I knew him a lot better than she did.
What is it she thought she knew? I was his best-friend, did that bitch think
he actually kept any of it from me? I was completely aware of what was going
on. So she doesn't even have that over me.
She was so fucking wrapped up in herself, and he didn't seem to care. He put
her up on a pedestal from the first time he saw her and never bothered to
take her down, to take a good, hard look at this idol he worshipped. Even
after she cheated on him he didn't step back and examine it. He just had to
be by himself and get his emotions in check. I tried talking to him, I tried
getting him to fucking open his eyes and see, but it did no good. He had
this big blind spot whenever it came to her.
I'm talking about him in the past tense again. I hate that. I hate feeling
like he's gone from my life forever.
I blame her for this, completely. He said he had to go and find himself, get
himself under control, but I know the truth. That little whore drove him
away. It was never about him, he stopped thinking about himself years ago.
No, he got the stupid idea into his head that he wasn't worthy of her anymore
and he had to make himself good enough again.
How can my best-friend, a fucking genius, feel unworthy of a girl so wrapped
up in herself that even when she was with him the entire summer, keeping him
away from summer school, she was surprised that he had to repeat senior year?
I love Oz, but sometimes I feel like smacking the shit out of him. I just
don't get how he could love her.
So, am I being jealous? Yeah, I guess so. He was mine, and she took him.
I've never been good at sharing my people, I like to keep them to myself. If
I'm not the center of attention I feel left out and alone. It's just the way
I am. Without my Oz, my best-friend, my rock... I'm just lost. She took him
away from me the first time he saw her, when she got up on that pedestal. I
just didn't realize it at the time.
I don't want to begrudge him happiness, if she was making him happy I'd be
happy for him. I think. But now she's not making him happy, she's just
keeping him away from me. She's not even with him anymore and she's still
keeping him away from me.
Almost ever night I sit here by myself in his empty room and just ache
without him. Like someone reached in and pulled everything out of me and
left me this empty husk. Sometimes I forget that he's gone for a little
while, and then when I remember again there's this horrible feeling like
waking up from a nightmare only to find it wasn't a nightmare at all.
I'm babbling. I guess there's a reason I like to express myself in songs.
I'd never be able to admit how I feel to him, we're /guys/. You don't say
this shit to your friends. Then what would he have on me? On top of making
jokes about how stupid I am I'd be a fag, too. I know he'd never be that
cruel, that close-minded, but I don't want to give him any more ammunition to
accidentally hurt me with. I can't risk it.
Without him here to reflect me back at me, to keep me in check, I feel...
scared. Even if I can never know him completely, I want that reflection back.