Anya Woke Up Gay
It was a cheerful, sunlit morning when Anya woke up. What have I been doing with Hubcap nipples? She wondered, as she stretched luxuriously, and then lay back on her pillows.
Surely as a recent human I should be exploring other forms of copulation and not limiting my self to only one orgasm friend, no matter how much we both enjoy his penis? She soul-searched anxiously (if indeed she has a soul, which is a complex and fairly boring debate which basically leads back to arguments about Spike, who as a heterosexual male, has no place here, the author inserted, before drifting off into an imaginary world filled with daisies and leprechauns and naked Spike-Angel trysts!)
I'm sure Xander would understand, he's often expressed a desire to see Willow and Tara's games of shiver-me-timber-less, whatever that is, she reasoned. Besides, I feel gay.
She perused her wardrobe for something suitable to wear on this epiphanous day. Something appropriate. Something fitting. Something dykey.
Why am I stuck in the fifties? Anya questioned herself. After all, nothing especially earthshaking happened in that decade, apart from her turning a man into a human mini-van.
And that was hardly cause to adopt the fashion of that time forever.
Least of all when you've woken up gay.
Pulling on a pair of Xander' s work boots and styling her over processed hair into the crew-cut she'd always wanted, but had never known, she strode forth into a new life.
AT THE MAGIC BOX
"Hello, Tara. You look sexually attractive and appealing today. As you may have heard from Xander, I am recently gay. Should we commence sexual relations now?" queried Anya, as she entered the Magic Box to see the curvy blonde witch.
Tara stuttered for several minutes, before finally sputtering "What did you say?"
"I'm recently gay" Anya repeated slowly "And since you're the only lesbian I know (we all know the Buffy writers are playing Taboo with Willow's sexuality, and the taboo word is 'bisexual', muttered the author bitterly) I feel we should become orgasm friends. After all, you've left Willow, and I can't be with Xander now that I have embraced my inner homosexual."
"Um, Anya" Tara said, hesitantly, "Being gay isn't something you wake up as, or a whim. It's more of a feeling. Think about how you feel ö uh, have felt about Xander. When he's kissed you, or hugged you or just brightened your day by being there."
Anya considered this. Like when Xander had made a picnic for her after she'd fought with Willow. Or when she'd been sick, and he'd brought her so much juice, she thought her bladder would explode. And how he'd laughed when she told him.
Tara watched. "That's what being gay is. Just that feeling. Being in love. The only difference is it's with a person of the same sex."
"That's a pretty simple concept to grasp. Is that why you and Willow broke up? Did you lose the good feelings? Is it because of the magic use?"
"Well, yeah. I love, loved Willow, but I couldn't put up with the lies. It wasn't the magic; it was the way she kept me in the dark about what she was doing. To others, to me, even."
"In the dark...I sometimes feel that way, too. I mean, I have Xander. And Giles listened. Occasionally. But they can all make me feel like..."
"An outsider?" Tara said wistfully.
"Yes..." Anya trailed off.
"Well, I'm always here if you just, you know, wanna talk or something."
"Thank you. You've helped me understand a lot more about, about being human, I guess."
Tara smiled.
"I'm glad."
"In the meantime, I am recently gay, and it'd be a shame to waste it talking. Especially when I have the only natural blonde in Sunnydale with me."
"Sure. Since Willow Dark-Phoenixed on me, I have had an itch to scratch if you know what I mean..."
Anya looked at Tara blankly.
"Which you clearly don't. I'll explain on the way" said Tara, leading Anya gently through the store to the stockroom at the back.
"But you seemed so innocent and upset..."
"Please. I am so sick of this good-girl image I've got. I figure a thousand year old ex-demon might have a few tricks to show me."
"Well, there was a punishment I inflicted on a....Oh!