Starting Over
"I still can't believe it," Xander said as he left Cordelia's room. Wesley put a hand on his shoulder sympathetically, in an effort to provide the strength he lacked himself. It was always hard for him to visit her, and he understood the way Xander felt at the moment.
"And there's nothing..." Xander wondered. He didn't need to finish the sentence. Wesley lowered his head and shook it.
They both walked back to Angel's office silently. He was waiting for them there. Exchanging a look, Angel and Xander said everything they had to. For the first time in ages, there was no bickering around them. They all just sat on the leather couch.
"The air is always so thick in here," Spike's voice put an end to the heavy silence. "You wear too much aftershave, Angel..." Spike trailed off, the last words coming out slowly as he noticed Xander was there.
"Bloody hell!" Spike exclaimed. "What are you doing here, little wanker?" he said with shock in his voice. He was rather excited to see him again, even though he would never admit it.
Xander's jaw dropped. "Spike," was all he could say. His eyes traveled up and down the blonde's form.
"Yes, that's the name," he couldn't help to smirk when he noticed Xander's surprise.
"You were dead..." Xander mumbled. He stood up and walked towards Spike. He circled the vampire, examining every inch of him from a prudential distance. Xander was looking at him, but still he couldn't believe it. He remembered when Buffy told him how he died, sacrificing himself for the cause. Xander smiled. Good deeds paid off after all.
"I was dead before," Spike pointed out sarcastically. Xander simply snorted and rolled his eyes.
"How did you...?" Xander asked him. Spike simply shrugged in response.
"We still don't understand why," Angel said, making it obvious that he didn't feel good about having Spike around.
"Why are you here?" Spike asked Xander, disregarding Angel's comment.
"Work. I just came here to see this project to build a recreational park in the dock area," Xander explained. "Good old construction work," he summed up.
"You want to leave Sunnydale?" Spike asked.
"There is no Sunnydale," Xander simply said.
"Oh, right," Spike remembered when Fred told him all about it. "Weren't you in London with Giles?"
"Yeah, but it was time to get out of there. I have to start over somewhere, and I rather do it here," he stated honestly, wondering if Spike was going to mock him or yawn as a signal of boredom. Instead, he got a serious nod from the vampire.
Xander smiled, pleased. "So what happened to you exactly?" he asked.
"Oh, not that story again," Angel begged and he quickly stood up. "Sit down, Xander. He always gives the detailed version," he added. "I'll go find myself something interesting to listen to." And with that, Angel left the office.
Wesley stood up as well, taking his cup of tea with him. "Sit down, Xander. Really," he added as he walked past Spike, who watched him leave without saying a word. Spike walked towards the couch and sat back. "Wesley would be alright if he didn't suck up to Angel all the time," Spike said.
Xander smiled and sat in the armchair in front of him, waiting to hear Spike's story.
"Did Buffy ever tell you about the talisman she gave me?" Spike asked.
"Oh, yeah..." Xander replied, but Spike interrupted him.
"But I'm sure she didn't tell you EXACTLY how that went..."
"This is you?" Xander asked as they entered the 35th floor of a building that was only two blocks away from Wolfram & Hart's. It was a luxurious loft, dark hardwood floors and terracotta colored walls, leather furniture, but not enough to make it tacky. There was large dinning set at the other end of the room. To the left, on a two feet high platform, there was a king size bed.
"Beats the crypt," Spike said as he removed his duster and left it on a nearby chair. "Compliments of Wolfram & Hart. Eve got it for me actually, because Angel would not spend a dime in me, of course".
"Are you sure this is yours?" Xander didn't pay attention to his explanation. The place was too good for Spike, he thought. He looked around once more and then followed Spike, who had moved into the kitchen. The vampire opened the fridge. There were no products apt for human consumption at all.
"Ok, I have nothing, unless you want blood." Spike moved back to the couch and turned on the TV. Xander helped him self a glass of tap water and then went back towards the living room. He sat next to Spike but he didn't pay attention to the TV show. Instead, he took a look at the magazines on the coffee table and the DVDs that were lying around.
"Passions? There are Passions DVDs?" Xander raised an eyebrow, trying not to laugh.
"Hey, don't touch that," Spike slapped Xander's hand, making him let go off the DVDs. "Why don't you go to sleep or something?" the blonde suggested.
"You're sitting on my bed?" Xander replied, pointing at the couch. He would never admit it, but he liked that Spike offered him a place to stay. 'Think of it as a way of returning the favor' he had said, obviously thinking back to the days when they shared a basement.
Spike groaned. He really liked that show and it was already the re-run. He had missed the first episodes and he hoped Xander would leave him be, at least for the next hour. "So take the bed and sod off," he said, hating himself for such noble offer. But he was determined not to miss Dead Like Me. The concept of the show amused him to no end.
"Oh, that's touching," Xander said with fake emotion. He realized what Spike's real intentions were and he thought it'd be fun to try to annoy him for a while. After all, he deserved it for being a TV junkie. "I'll just hang around," he replied as he sat back and looked at the screen.
Spike turned to look at him. Xander was quietly staring at the TV. 'Good, it was about time,' he though. But the peaceful silence only lasted 2 minutes for Spike.
"Don't you rather talk?" Xander wondered as he picked up a magazine.
"No," Spike said, yanking the magazine of Xander's hands before returning his attention to the screen.
"Don't you want to know about us?" Xander asked.
"You are here, Buffy's in Europe, with Dawn and Faith. Willow's with Giles. Anya is dead. That covers it, right?" Spike recapped in a second. He didn't think before hand. It wasn't his style. But he regretted it when he noticed Xander's expression at the mention of Anya's name. "Sorry," he muttered.
Xander sighed. "It's ok. And yes, you know the basics. Bed it is then." Xander gave in. He was tired, tired of thinking about it all the time. It was good that everything was over, but they had lost friends and life as they knew it was entirely different for them now. And Xander hoped for a moment that talking to Spike would be of help with that.
"Xander," Spike stopped him as he was going up the few steps that separated him from the bedroom area. "We can... talk," he said. He made an effort to pick up the remote and turn off the TV. With one click, the screen stopped shinning and Xander gave Spike a half smile.
He kept walking towards the bed and sat down on the footer.
"Starting over blows, doesn't it?" Spike asked him as he followed the path towards the bed himself.
"Big time," Xander agreed.
Spike sat next to him on the bed, his back resting on the mattress. He stared up at the ceiling.
"So why didn't you go with them?" Xander knew Spike meant Buffy and the others.
"I can't keep doing that. They are my friends, of course, but I thought I should start my own life, you know? A life that wasn't Buffy-centered," he explained. "Of course, I don't want to shut her out of my life, I just want to have a life of my own, even if it means starting from scratch," he said.
"Non-Buffy-centered," Spike sighed. "Sounds like fun," he smiled.
"You should try that," Xander suggested, laughing slightly.
"With the poof around? Impossible..." Spike laughed as well. Xander's back fell on the mattress too. They were both resting together in the bed, and suddenly all sounds died and an awkward silence invaded the room.
"You and Angel don't get along," Xander broke the silence with an obvious statement, as obvious as his attempt to make conversation, but Spike was grateful for that.
"Duh?" Spike laughed. "I don't get him. Everyone thinks of him as this champion but his life's a wreck. He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what he wants. He's made many wrong choices and yet they keep supporting him," Spike vented gladly. Not that he hadn't said that to Angel's face, but it was glad to talk about that to someone he was more familiar with.
"They are his friends. They love him," was Xander's simple response. "You've screwed up millions of times," he said.
"And yet you kept coming..." Spike recalled with arrogance.
"Shut up," Xander rolled his eyes.
"Awww, you love me," Spike mocked and sat up on the bed. He didn't want things to get too sentimental, and damn it; they were going to if he didn't stop it. He had felt Xander's genuine need to start over and he knew a thing or two about that.
"I do," Xander replied so softly that it was barely audible, but audible nonetheless. However, if Spike would have wanted to pretend he didn't hear it, he could have. But he didn't.
He turned to face Xander, who was still lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. He wanted to say something. He wanted to thank him for saying it and at the same time he wanted to be smug about it and come up with the sarcastic reply that never came.
Xander didn't make a sound either. He didn't try to disguise what he had said. He didn't even try to give it context. He loved Spike. He knew that much. How exactly did he love him? He didn't know. All he knew was that he had learnt to admire him and respect him. And he missed him. He had cried silently when Buffy said that Spike hadn't made it. He hadn't realized how much Spike meant to him until he was told he was gone.
That was how, conflicted, confused, he did what he thought was best to see how was is that he loved Spike exactly. And with that goal in mind, he sat up and faced the still speechless Spike. Xander moved forward and pressed his lips against Spike's before he could react.
It was a soft kiss. For a few seconds, it was nothing but his lips pressing against Spike's, as his eyes were fixed on the Spike's. As he watched him close his eyelids, he took the initiative to deepen the kiss.
But Spike quickly responded, backing away. It was not the reaction Xander expected, and he looked obviously frustrated more than embarrassed. When rationality sank in, however, Xander realized he'd have to explain what had happened. He wasn't ready to say it. The kiss had proven that he not only loved Spike. He wanted him.
Spike, on the other hand, didn't seem to be positively impressed by the kiss. He turned his back to Xander and walked to the window without saying a word. Making sure he was out of Xander's site, Spike brought his trembling fingers to his lips and caressed them softly, imitating the pressure of Xander's lips against his. Spike smiled despite of himself. He was shock, that was obvious, but he wasn't irate.
He was overwhelmed by the touch of Xander's lips against his, not because the kiss had been especially good. Quite the contrary, Spike smirked. But he felt tangible again. The kiss made him realize that he was flesh and bone all over, and he was glad about that. For that feeling, he was willing to take it further. But he needed to know if it was because of that feeling only that he wanted to see how far Xander was willing to take it.
Spike turned around and moved back to the bed. Xander still sat there. He took his place by him. His features remained expressionless and he could tell Xander was trying to figure out what was going on inside his head. Hoping that Xander hadn't included him in his big starting over plans, despite he actually liked him, Spike moved closer to him, until their faces where only two inches away.
"I..." Xander started, but he was silenced by Spike's lips before he could add more to the sentence. Spike didn't want to give him a chance to state his regret. He wanted to feel. He needed to feel. His existence as an incorporeal being hadn't been long, but it had been traumatizing enough. All that mattered to him at that moment was the contact of flesh against flesh.
Xander's mouth opened to him and Spike appreciated the invitation. His tongue massaged Xander's and he relished in the sensation of caressing the velvet-like texture and being caressed in return.
Harris was astonished by Spike's response, and he wondered for a second if he was playing with him. But after the pressure of his lips grew harder and his hands started roaming over Xander's chest, he decided he was better off not knowing what Spike was up to.
He felt his cock hardening under the blonde's body. It surprised him a bit. During the many times he thought about how it would be like to be with another man, he never imagined he'd get hard so fast. And when Spike's hand caressed his cock over his jeans, he moaned with pleasure and begged him to set him free.
Spike smirked as he watched Xander's enjoyment of the situation grow by the second. Rubbing his hand over the guy's crotch and watching him twist in pleasure thanks to his own tangibility made him sort of proud, which admittedly, was quite silly.
Xander grabbed the back of Spike's neck to force him closer to him as the blonde started to unzip Xander's pants. Xander shivered at the contact of the cold skin against his hot flesh when Spike skipped the underwear all together and went straight for his cock.
"Oh, yeah," the brunet sighed as Spike started to stroke his cock. His movements were slow, painfully slow and Xander couldn't avoid thrusting into Spike's hand. The vampire took pity on him and increased the pressure of his grip as well as the speed of his moments.
Xander's tongue fucked Spike's mouth in reward and the blonde's fangs came out to play against Xander's tongue, but he was careful not to make any cuts. He didn't want to scare him off. At least not until after he had felt all of him.
Spike stopped stroking Xander as his own erection became unbearable. He moved away from Xander only long enough to remove his shirt, jeans and boxers. He stood naked in front of the bed in no time, and Xander quickly kicked out his pants and underwear. Spike helped him with his shirt and then pulled Xander to the edge of the bed. Spike knelt in front of him, his head only inches away from Xander's cock.
Xander groaned, disapproving the time it was taking Spike to take him inside his mouth. His hand traveled to his own cock as he decided to indicate Spike that he should take action or he'd finish it off himself.
"Fine," Spike laughed, getting the message. He lowered his hand over Xander's cock and took out his tongue to trace the surface with it. Then he took Xander's cock in his hand and devoured the tip without any ceremony.
Spike seemed an expert to Xander, and he couldn't help wondering how he had gained such expertise. But he pushed the thought away. He didn't want to know. Besides, the attention he was getting from the vampire was enough to make him forget about anything else, anything but Spike and the feeling of his mouth and hands all over his flesh, bringing him to ecstasy.
When Xander launched his final groan, Spike smiled, licking his lips and tasting Xander's saltiness. Being corporeal again felt good. Being able to give pleasure to anyone the way he just had, felt even better, and not because of altruism. It was the sheer selfish satisfaction of knowing one self's very good at something.
Watching as Xander extended his arms above his head, exhausted; Spike made his way back to the bed and laid beside him. "You're welcome," the vampire smirked cockily as he stroked his own cock slowly.
"Smug asshole," Xander replied in between laughs. "It was quite good," he conceded.
"Quite good?" Spike seemed offended. "It could be a lot better if you tried to hold it a bit longer."
"Hey!" Xander protested, but he knew that the vampire was right. "Well... It's been..." he said, apologetically. They remained in silence for a few seconds as Xander regained his composure. Turning on his side, he watched as Spike kept his cock ready for him.
Xander reached for it, hesitatingly. "I've never..." he tried to explain before resting a hand on Spike's stomach.
The vampire closed his eyes to rejoice in the feeling of Xander's flesh soothing his own. Opening his eyes enough to look at Xander through his eyelashes, he whispered: "You have to start somewhere."