Three's A Crowd
This is not my world, this is theirs.
I went to him after the comic book convention. As usual NJ transit was slow as hell, and once the train hit the stop I ran as fast as I could to his apartment. But he got there first and was already tucked tightly in Holden's arms.
I wanted to run away. I want to scream, "Fuck both of you!", I wanted to fall down and cry. But Banky saw me and motioned for me to approach. He opened up his embrace and pulled me in.
I've done this before and I think I'm the only one out of the three of us who actually knows how hard it is. Holden holds back to much, and Banky gives himself to freely to the idea for it ever to work. Yet I said yes, and now we take turns in the center of the bed.
It's always surprising to me how much skin there is in their bed. Skin to kiss, skin to rub, skin to gaze up as morning light hits it. It also always surprised me how their bodies react. How silent Banky is when he comes compared to Holden's loud moaning. How the expression on Banky's face is completely different when it is Holden going down on him versus when it is me.
A year went quickly and easily for us. I think we all tried our hardest. Holden wants us both to be happy and Banky is willing to do anything for Holden to be happy. I think I stay because semi-married life suits me.
Banky tells me he loves me, but it's not the kind of love Holden thinks it is. I love Banky the same way he loves me. It's the connection that forms from being so in love with someone too fucking clueless to see what was going on. It's a friendship, not a relationship. Yet at night we both go to the same bed.
The weirdest thing is that it isn't that weird. We live this completely fucked up life and yet we make it work. We all work together on BAH! press, the new imprint we founded. We all take care of each other. We all say I love you.
But I know this isn't going to work. They aren't mine, they are each others. They can never be mine. Banky knows that and I know it, but fucking Holden still thinks he has the best of both worlds.
Banky and I share a world of unsaid things and understandings. We know the world we live in and we accept it. It is as close to perfection as we both can get for now.
He is happy to hold him at night, and I just like watching two people so deeply in love.
The baby kicks in a cruel way that makes me think it's Banky's, but craves cheese stakes just like Holden.
It's not my baby though, it's theirs. I hope that it will let them realize things, and then I will slip back to the city. I'll live in a crappy apartment with great roommates, and at night go to gay bars and kiss as many girls as possible. I'll tell all the girls I can't go out with them Saturday nights because there are three people in Jersey waiting for me. I'll watch my daughter grow up with two fathers who adore her and adore each other.
She'll understand why I left and that there is true love in the world. She'll never question why I left her with them or what our relationship was. She'll just be happy that all of her parents love her.
But for now, when night approaches, I follow them to the bed. Banky will fall asleep first, his body flailing around the bed. Holden will sit and watch us both until he thinks we've both fallen asleep. I will wait for Holden to fall asleep and then I'll slip off to the bath room to cry and pray.
This is not my world, this is theirs.
I can only hope I find something similar one day.