Five Routes Out Of Kansas
To Shanshu in Washington.
Dick Cheney relaxed back into the sofa in the oval office. He sipped his brandy and smiled around at the rest of the gang. They were all still buzzed from the defeat of the demon Pyongyang and Colin Powell could barely sit still. Dubya was just sitting there with a strange little smile on his face while his team celebrated.
"We kicked that demon's ass man." Shouted Colin Powell, still waving his huge homemade axe around jubilantly.
"I do believe we made a lasting impression on it." Dick added wryly.
"Hell yeah, on both halves of it."
Donald Rumsfeld started to speak but he was interrupted by the doors to the oval office being flung open. Everyone's eyes gaped as Saddam Hussein walked in. Heavily pregnant.
The dictator locked eyes with the president. "It's been a long time, George. About eight and a half months."
Dick Cheney's stomach clenched as he remembered prophecies he had read about concerning the President with a soul. There were dark forces at work here and he was afraid of what he might have to do.
Red blooded, white skinned, blue eyed.
A score of Ninjas lay defeated. Soldiers shot at the intruder but he dodged with ease and sent them to sleep with his fists. The clock on the doomsday device neared zero but a red, white and blue shield flew through the air, slicing into the control panel. The clock stopped at 00:01. The free world was saved once more. Saddam Hussein was thrown to the ground, his agents of evil defeated and his diabolical plans foiled once more by the man who stood over him clad in a costume of stars and stripes. George Bush a.k.a. Captain America.
"Curse you, Captain America. You have thwarted my sinister schemes for the last time." With an inhuman speed the devilish dictator whipped out a laser blaster from his sleeve and fired. Bush dived out of the way, dodging the shot by the barest of margins. He rolled and came up with one of the Ninja's shurikens in his hand. It was flying through the air before Saddam could react and his severed hand, still clutching the fiendish weapon, fell to the floor. The terrible tyrant clutched at his stump, cursing in a language not of this earth.
"Now I'll find out who you really are." Said the square jawed hero of democracy as he grabbed Saddam by the shirt and found the hologram controller inside. He ripped it from the emperor of evil and crushed it beneath his heel of justice.
Denied his cowardly disguise the tyrant of treachery was revealed as he truly was. A tentacled alien monstrosity that dripped puss. The blood lust and evil was now apparent in its beady eyes. "Cursessss. You have revealed me."
"I always knew your evil, Saddam. You can't fool America because we see with the eyes of freedom." Captain America pulled out his shield from the control panel. "There's something else you should know about the home of the brave." He threw his shield and it cut through the monster's neck, ridding the world of its evil. "We take a hard line against illegal aliens."
He retrieved his shield and wiped off the gore. He paused reflectively. "If only I had defeated him in time to save France."
X-Jihad
Dubya stood atop the statue of liberty watching the twinkling lights of the UN meeting across the water. The leaders of the world were there and he would never have another chance to put his plan into effect. A flicker of annoyance crossed his face as he heard the roar of an engine. Turning, he saw the approaching X-jet. It was those annoying meddlers, the Elite Republican guard. They were sworn to protect a world that feared and hated them and even though Dubya, the despot of democracy, had managed to put their leader, Saddam, out of action they were still trying to foil his glorious plot.
"Powell, Rumsfeld, make sure that I am not disturbed." His cronies departed to stop the intruders.
Dubya's hand cradled the power switch for a second before throwing it. The machine hummed with energy and the platform he was on began to rise. Soon its power would wash over the UN meeting and they would be changed. They would all become middle aged, white, Christian males and then they would understand the persecution and loneliness that went with it.
None could stop him now.
Mystery Machinations
President Bush paused for effect. The assembled press hung on his words. "It is with a heavy heart that I must declare war on Iraq. Saddam Hussein has had every chance to disarm but he persists in denying his possession of illegal weapons. We have no choice but to...."
"That's not the president." Everyone turned to see who spoke. In the entrance stood a pretty boy in a neckerchief flanked by two girls, a stoner and a dog.
"These people are obviously crazy." Dubya soothed. "Of course I'm the president."
"Oh yeah?" The stoner challenged. "Then who is this?" On cue, a bedraggled and heavily bearded man entered the room. His eyes were wild and he was caked with mud but he still held the regal bearing of the true leader and he was clearly George Dubya Bush.
The fake president swallowed audibly.
"Let's see who you really are." The bespectacled girl grasped his hair and pulled, the mask coming off easily.
"Gasp." Said everyone. "It's Mr Crumming, the disgruntled janitor."
"Cleaning up after Bush, Sr's incontinence must have caused him to snap and decide to plunge the world into war." The neckerchiefed man suggested.
"And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids." Cried the janitor impotently as security dragged him away.
The real president strode to the podium. "I would like to thank these fine young men and women for rescuing me. It seems that the world has gotten into quite mess while I was gone. I will immediately enter into talks with Saddam to try to diffuse this volatile situation.
"Say man, he's probably real pissed at you right now. How are you going to calm him down?" The stoner asked.
"Good point. I guess I better legalise pot so we can get happy before we talk."
"Groovy man, if I ever vote, I'm voting for you."
There'll be no escape for the peace process this time
"Any questions gentlemen?" President Bush asked the assembled press.
"Mr President, you say that Iraq is developing Death Star technology but the inspectors have failed to find anything to back up your claims."
"Master Powell, if you could field this question."
"Special intelligence have we. Trust us, you must."
"That's all very well, Master Powell" the reporter pressed "but North Korea has admitted that they have a prototype Death Star already."
"Diplomacy used must be. Situation different it is."
The President interceded. "What Master Powell is trying to say is that the key to being a Jedi world power is to know when to use the force and when not to."
"Mr President? Will you still attack Iraq if there is no new UN resolution?"
"Darth Hussein will pay for what he has done. He tried to kill my father during the clone wars."
"Saddam has issued a public statement saying that if you strike him down he will grow even stronger. What do you say to that?"
"I will test that claim."
"Mr President, what do you say to allegations that you used your Jedi mind powers to win the election?"
"I won that election fairly."
"You won that election fairly."
"You have no further questions."
"I have no further questions."