Letters To A Young Gentleman
Potter,
Please refrain from sending me such juvenile items in the future; it's embarrassing for us both. If you think a childish prank will deter me in my plans to kill you, you are very much mistaken.
Draco Malfoy
Malfoy,
Are you mad? I didn't send you anything. And kill me? You'd be lucky.
Harry Potter
PS Heard from your father lately?
Potter,
Your denials are weak and unconvincing, just what I'd expect from someone raised by Muggles. I am now having all my post inspected by the house elves, so don't bother with any more harassment.
As to your rude remark about my father, our solicitor assures us that Father will be released and fully cleared by the end of the month.
Perhaps your severed head would make a suitable welcoming gift for him.
DM
Malfoy,
I still don't know what you're on about. Unless you plan to kill me by boring me to death. Does reading your letters often cause people's heads to drop off? Otherwise, you've about as much chance of killing me as you do of catching the Snitch.
Best of luck, though.
HP
Clearly you are afraid, else you wouldn't be trying to intimidate me. (It's not working.) You ought to be afraid. I'm going to kill you. Don't you think it would be best to have it over?
DM
I'm so afraid, my head just fell off and I had to put it back on with a Sticking Charm.
Anytime, Malfoy, anywhere.
HP
Will Friday be too soon? I expect you'll want to get your affairs in order.
DM
Friday at midnight. There's a park nearby -- I'll draw a map on the back of the parchment. I suppose your broomstick can fly that far?
No magic, though, or we'll have the Ministry down on us inside of a minute. Unless you're too much of a coward to face me without your wand.
HP
I should have known you'd want to play at Muggle barbarism. But it's all the same to me. I enclose a catalogue from Gower's Coffins and Caskets for your perusal in your final hours.
Until Friday, DM
If that's your idea of killing me, I think I'll stick with Voldemort.
HP
Need I remind you that you were the one who threw himself at me? I responded out of simple courtesy. Next time, don't expect such kindness from me.
DM
PS I'm still going to kill you.
I did not throw myself at you. I was grappling you, to wrestle you to the ground and punch your head. Apparently, you're so starved for affection, you can't tell the difference.
And leave off trying to kill me; you're not my type.
HP
I did not realise that a proper grapple hold involved putting your tongue in your opponent's mouth. Is that a Muggle technique?
Please cease communicating with me. You will not have a second opportunity to exercise your sick desires on me. Don't even think about accosting me on the train next week.
DM
Damn you, Malfoy. I've had to wear my scarf to lessons all week and it's only September. And I have a massive bruise on my back where you shoved me against the sink. I should have known you'd jump at me the minute we got on the train.
I realise you've always been obsessed with me, but maybe you should try someone more your level. Like the Giant Squid.
HP
The toilet was clearly engaged, you had no call to barge in on me like that. You can't seem to stay away from me. It's really pathetic.
Almost as pathetic as your inability to clear up a few passion marks with a simple charm. My, but you are inexperienced.
DM
PS I'm doing Untraceable Poisons as a special Potions project with Snape.
It's obvious you don't want to kill me or you'd have done it by now. If you could, which I doubt. I've been drinking my pumpkin juice every day, but where is the Untraceable Poison? All you seem capable of is snogging in dark alcoves. How Slytherin of you.
But stop hanging around the Gryffindor common room or you'll get yourself killed. I'll just watch while Dean and Seamus smash your face in.
HP
Killing you would be cruelty to animals. And where did you get that invisibility cloak? I suppose that wasn't the first time you've watched me in the showers. It's just the sort of sick thing you would do.
DM
I suppose that wasn't the first time you ever moaned my name in the showers.
Harry
You wrenched my shoulder yesterday when you pulled me into the broomstick cupboard. Please be more careful in the future.
Draco
Sorry I hurt your precious shoulder. How else am I to get hold of you?
Harry
History of Magic classroom, 10PM. Bring the cloak.
Draco
Harry --
Forgot to let you know -- while we were clearing out some old stock over the summer, we sent a load of dungbombs to Draco Malfoy with your compliments. Hope that went over well.
Cheers, mate.
George
Dear George,
Thank you.
Harry