Just There
Everything is different when I'm drunk.
Sometimes I can still think then, because I didn't drink quite enough to completely let go. But I think differently, maybe...clearer. Life is about me then, about all my miserable glory. It's these times when I like life better when I'm sober.
Or I just drink until my head hits the table and I go out like a light. I like it this way. The easy and sometimes even clean way out.
And sometimes I get drunk without noticing it. I drink and drink and everything is alright until suddenly it isn't anymore. Everything fades and collapses and rebuilds itself, but it's oddly out of shape and the colours are a bit off. Or maybe they were all the time before.
Maybe that's what happened at this party. I mean, I never planned to get drunk, although....although everything sucked so much at that moment. Someone calling me a fag, my ex told me off, and I had the feeling breaking up with her wasn't such a good idea as I had thought before. So yeah. It really sucked.
And then there was the geek. William. And hell, even back then, when I was completely out of it, I knew his name. Aren't jocks supposed to not know them? To call them nobodies or simply just ignore them? Weird that I never did that. I insulted him but never ever called him a nobody....I really used his name way too often.
Anyway, William. He was there. At that point I was still sober and he was wasted. Never saw him like that before. Never thought I would see him like that. The geek and alcohol. Well, fuck me.
And for some stupid reason I had to throw my weepy self into his arms. Had to cling to him like some crybaby. I wish I would have been already drunk at that moment. Then there would've been an excuse, but no....It was just one of these days, you know.
Getting drunk with William was....It was like the guys getting wasted in the movies. You know, when the girl has left her man, and he and some stranger talk about women and stuff. That's how getting drunk with William was.
With my friends it's always been a competition. We drank so much so fast that we didn't have time to talk, because suddenly we were face first on the floor - when we were lucky not in our own puke. Or someone else's for that matter. And right before I lost it, I'd keep thinking how fucking pathetic this was, how fucking pathetic I was.
So, William and me got really sloshed, and we talked women and stuff. Told him that I was sorry. Sorry for bullying him around. Funny thing, in that moment, when he sat beside me, I actually was. Sorry for bullying, sorry for not even remembering that it had just happened that morning. Just sorry.
Then I thought he was cute. Don't know where that thought came from, don't want to know. It was just there, along with the urge to lean in and to kiss him. Kiss the geek. If some idiot was bright enough to use that as a movie title, it'd probably sell millions.
And don't let me think about the whole kissing a man thing. I might have to puke then. Really.
Fortunately the cops came, and the whole kissing thing never happened. Instead we ended up getting stripped and bound by his friends, landed in jail, and I lied for him. I fucking lied for him. And I wasn't even drunk anymore when I did that. Don't know why I did it. I just couldn't...couldn't let him take it. All this time I put crap on him, and then I wanted...wanted to take a bit of it back, I guess.
I don't understand it, understand it even less than the sick urge to kiss him. I blame that on the alcohol. There isn't anything else to explain it, nothing that would make sense. But lying for him... I have no idea what the fuck I thought.
Now the whole thing is over. I won't think about it anymore. Not about being sorry or standing up for the school geek. Definitely no thinking about the school geek. Or his lips. Or anything else related to him. Nope. If he comes near me...it's back to the old game. It's back to the insults and everything attached to it.
And the next time I drink something, it will be with the idiots who pretend to be my friends and who I pretend to like. I will get sloshed so fast and so hard that I won't be able to think, not even about where the toilet is. And I won't remember William.
I won't remember sitting beside him at the piano, his shoulder touching my arm, his slurred words, his lips. I won't think about the warmth in my belly that I felt at that moment, the way I just felt...okay. Everything was fucked up, but with him around I felt okay.
I won't think about it as a lost chance.