sex, lies, and videotape
i. "The Feral Girls of Colonial One"
Colonial One, while not quite being the seamy orgy-fueled sexpot that Galactica was reputed to be, had frayed around the edges during the two weeks Laura Roslin had been off leading a rebellion and sitting in jail. They weren't quite so damn respectful anymore -- in fact, the world most commonly used now was feral.
Why not? Their mascot/leader was now a romantic rebel goddess, and Colonial One's staff and population was going to run with it, because as long as Adama was Roslin's bitch, they were winning.
And they had been enjoying D'Anna Biers intervention into their rival's privacy immensely, knowing that Hell would freeze the frak on over before President Roslin would let the nosy bitch stick her nose into things on Colonial One.
Which did not, in any way, prevent the best and brassiest of Roslin's very few female staffers from seducing D'Anna's cameraman during the first airing of the finished documentary and getting the best unedited footage for private parties.
"Isn't there any other footage? Come on, he's not that hot. Look at the hottie over there. Plus, haven't we objectified Lee enough?" someone was whining as they watched the best of the footage for the eighth time.
"Well, of course we haven't! He is wearing the world's shortest towel," one of the women hooted back at the one male colleague in the room. "And he can't seem to keep his grip on it."
"Drop it, Lee! Make our dreams come true!" shrieked Anna, one of the newer additions to Colonial One's staff. "God, he makes me want to saddle him up and just..."
"Yes, THANK YOU, Anna," said Roxane, the senior female staffer on board. "You know who needs to see this immediately?"
"Every single woman alive?" Anna said.
"Starting with our highest ranking single female president ever," Roxane said, grinning at the group. "Could you imagine her face? She would DIE. Billy! Billy Keikeya! Get your ass over here!"
Anna giggled. "We have a QUESTION," she added.
Billy, who had been on another errand and was passionately hoping not to be noticed by the girls, paused uneasily. "Yeah?" he asked. The last time the young female staffers on Colonial One had had a question, they had almost tried to 're-deflower' him aggressively. As a group.
Out of boredom.
"So, can you do us a favor?" Roxane asked. "We have unedited documentary footage for President Roslin. Can you deliver it, and make sure she watches it?"
"Is it, like, that part with Captain Adama and the towel?" Billy asked suspiciously.
"The world's shortest towel," sighed Isolde happily, tossing honey-blonde hair toward Billy. "You have to show her. We'll promise never to try to deflower you again."
"Unless you want us to," Anna added. "Your Galactica girlfriend is wicked hot, though."
Roxane, who had endless and very pornographic designs on Billy, kicked Anna in the shin. Anna yelped, but Isolde, who was used to the endless Roxane and Anna squabbles, pulled the disc out and handed it to Billy with a smile.
"This is what happens when women have no porn," she said apologetically. "And all have their cycles synced. We go a little crazy. So please, Billy. You have to. Show her and tell us? I mean, every single woman alive needs to see this."
"Um. She's awfully busy," Billy said. Anna and Roxane snorted, linked arms, and surrounded Billy. "Okay! Okay! She'll see it, she'll see it, and I'll report back to you! Don't..."
"Lick you?" Anna asked, waggling her tongue at him.
"Sexually harass you?" Roxane added, giggling.
"Yeah," Billy said. "I didn't think girls did that."
"We're very bored, and most of the hot men are dead or out of reach. Just because President Roslin is a holy virgin doesn't mean we're eunuchs," Anna said. "And you are SO cute, Billy K."
She blew a kiss at him, and very slowly, Billy edged away, wishing he had a cameraman so he could show Dee the craziness he had to put up with on Colonial One.
And what was the president going to say about the footage? She was awfully close to Lee Adama, and she'd probably confiscate it, and then the girls were going to be pissed at him.
He could just make up a response, but the girls would know. They would know he was lying. And then his clothes would go missing again.
"Billy, are you okay? You look like you've been asked to handle a live snake," the president said, tapping him on the shoulder.
"Um, almost," Billy said, sighing. "The girls want you to watch something and give a reaction."
"Is this whatever has them hooting at the top of their lungs?" Laura asked, raising an eyebrow. "What is it?"
"Um, it's, um, kind of wrong," Billy said. "But they'll kill me if you confiscate it, so can I just tell you about it and you can tell me what you'd think so I can take it back to them and tell you what they said so they don't steal my clothes again?"
"Billy, do you let the girls boss you around?" Laura asked. "Don't let them do that. You're my senior staff member. Only I should be bossing you around. And oh, that came out wrong. What is it?"
"Well, D'Anna Biers went into the pilots' locker room," Billy said. "And um, she caught Captain Adama coming out of the shower, only in his, um, towel? And it's just kind of embarrassing. They're all running around half-dressed and I don't think she should have gone in there."
The president stared at Billy for a long, uncomfortable ten-second gap in conversation. "You're joking," she breathed out, a smile playing over her face. "Oh, ye gods. Those girls...how did they get that footage?"
"They frakked the cameraman silly while you were watching the final cut with Commander Adama," Billy said, which set the president laughing hard. "That's just how they are."
"I see," the president said, hooking her arm around Billy and walking toward the lions' den. Anna, Roxane, Isolde, two or three of the lesser henchwomen, and Harry, the token male, were all huddled in a circle, giggling. "Hello, ladies."
Anna started giggling. "Hi, ma'am," she said, cracking up. "Are we in trouble?"
"Sexual harassment...look at me," the president said, maintaining composure, "Will not be tolerated on my ship. Do you understand? If I hear of any more times of Billy having clothing stolen, I will transfer all of you to the kitchens of some godsforsaken freighter."
"Could you transfer us some men, then?" Anna asked, biting her lip so as not to start laughing again. "It sucks to have a libido on Colonial One once you've frakked Baltar's crazy ass, ma'am."
Roxane started laughing, hard, even though she was scared to death. Anna had been drinking a little before they had come up with the errand, but Roxane was stone cold sober, and they were joshing the PRESIDENT of the Colonies, and she was going to make them scrub bidets if they were much ruder.
Still, Anna was right. After you had your turn with Baltar, the pickings got slim on this boat.
"No, I hadn't noticed that," the president replied. "That doesn't mean you can harass my Chief of Staff."
"No, ma'am," Roxane agreed. "Did you like the tape? Lee and his towel are our new bestest friends ever."
"Captain Adama," Laura corrected. "And I think that I've decided to confiscate your video, as it's a clear violation of Captain Adama's privacy. Does anyone have any objections?"
Everyone shook their heads, and Billy fumbled around until he handed Laura the small diskette with the damning video file.
"Thank you, ladies," Laura said.
"Thank you, ma'am," Anna said irrepressibly. "You have a lovely day."
Once the president and a visibly relieved Billy had taken off, Isolde started giggling the hardest of all of them.
"I told you," she said. "Privacy of her own bunk, baby."
"Well, one should be allowed to drool in secret when you're the President of the frakkin' Colonies," Harry said. He was a balding mouse of a guy, who apparently had no idea why the half-wild wolfpack of twentysomething girls on Colonial One had adopted him, and kept it that way by not saying much. "I'm sayin'."
"True enough," Isolde said. "But still. How long before she feels sickly and has to go to bed after seeing that tape?"
Anna and Roxane shrieked with giggles.
"The feral girls of Colonial One succeed again," Harry said dryly. "Congratulations, ladies."
"What's a lady?" Isolde asked, snorting. "So, Anna, got the dupe?"
Anna laughed. "Of course," she said, holding up the disc. "Shall we begin at the beginning?"
ii. "Happy Birthday, Madam President"
Before she left Colonial One, D'Anna Biers handed the president a small disc with a smile on her face that was somewhere between a smirk and a leer.
"What's this?" Laura asked pleasantly, expecting that it was probably footage of Tigh or Adama running her down, or some kind of blackmail material for her use and supposed amusement.
"Consider it a gift to the salvation of the fleet," D'Anna said. "We appreciate what you do, Madam President. Oh, and I'm sure you don't need to be told, but I wouldn't share that."
Laura considered that vaguely ominous, but given that she was now certain it was meant to make her angry with Bill or Tigh, she nodded pleasantly and ignored the thing for two days.
Day three, she decided whatever Bill said couldn't be that bad, and it was good to know what was being said behind one's back. So after fiddling with the only personal video screen on all of Colonial One, Laura finally managed to open the one file on the disc, which was enigmatically encoded, "happybdaymmeprez.vid" and seemed rather flip for footage of the continued fleet rift...
Oh, gods.
Captain Apollo.
Naked, wet, and didn't they give the pilots of the fleet decent-sized towels?
Eyes wide and fighting a blush, Laura immediately shut off the vid file, but the mental image was there.
"Madam President?" someone asked. "Are you okay? You look a little flushed."
"I'm fine," Laura answered the staffer, opening her eyes and smiling. "Could you get me some paper? I need to write a memo to D'Anna Biers immediately."
Laura looked at the personal viewscreen again, and to her shame, felt her fingers itch to hit play again. To see the whole glorious sixty-seven seconds of what was clearly going to be wet, naked, and badly toweled Lee Adama.
Was she really that obvious?
Those hipbones really were quite obscene, and his towel had already slipped once.
"Are you okay?" Billy asked, interrupting the downward drift of Laura's thoughts.
"Daydreaming," Laura said. "Oh, is that the paper? Thank you, Billy."
"I have a note from D'Anna Biers. She's wondering if you're appreciating the gift," Billy said. "She gave you a gift?"
"She's being a touch facetious," Laura said. "She gave me part of the unedited footage from her documentary. It was quite racy."
"Racy?" Billy asks. "Is it...is it worse than what they actually put in the documentary? I mean, we did a really good job not laughing while Commander Adama was on board but..."
"The documentary is feel-good and kind of hokey?" Laura prompted, earning a smile from Billy. "I promise there can be a viewing of brutal honesty later. Lords of Kobol know, we could all use the laugh."
Lee Adama and the world's shortest towel. It could be meant as a funny gift instead of the gift of quick and dirty masturbatory fantasy. Laura severely doubted it was meant as funny, but maybe, on another level, it was both.
"That would be fun," Billy admitted. "How about tomorrow? You have a free evening, and I found a bottle of ambrosia."
"Oh, wonderful. We can drink every time Tigh fraks up," Laura said.
"We might need more than one bottle, then," Billy said. They both chuckled; the favored theory on Colonial One about why Tigh didn't even get the wrist-slap was that the worst punishment Adama could think of was sending him back to Ellen without an extra bottle. Either that or the True and Devoted Love of Adama and Tigh, which was the theory Laura pretended she didn't hear.
Mostly because it made her laugh a little too hard, and she would be hard-pressed not to agree that the love between Adama and Tigh wasn't a big part of why when Tigh failed and got people killed, he got off, while Laura herself got tossed in the brig for doing something that ultimately was going to save lives.
Tossed in the brig with Captain Apollo. Who did NOT wear the world's shortest towel in the brig. That would have been incredibly tempting. Ridiculous, but so was being so embarrassed at a minute of footage of Lee Adama wearing nothing except a very, very short towel.
"Can I see the footage?" Billy asked. "Dee said D'Anna shot a lot of footage that didn't make it in. I'm curious."
It would take the sting out of the gift, as well as neutralizing Biers's ability to blackmail her about it later. Taking measured breaths, Laura nodded.
"Just press play," she said. "It's quite the triumph of trash journalism..."
iii. "Pilots Gone Wild"
Apparently Colonial One had found some team spirit during President Roslin's absence, Lee noticed. The ship was usually much quieter, but from the blonde who had saluted him with a definite smirk to the group of young staffers who had favored him with a searching glance, the difference on Colonial One was noticeable.
Either that or Colonial One was also in possession of the fleet's hottest illegal download. Something that wasn't supposed to exist, anyway, as downloads were a clear security risk.
Yet Lee got the feeling that smutty material thrived and multiplied, even among humanity's traumatised survivors and their straitened resources.
"Madam President," he said, knocking as he entered the room. "How are you?"
It was the first time they'd spoken since the ceremony on Galactica. Strange to imagine, a week without contact after the constant togetherness, but with the fifteen-hour shifts, there wasn't much to be done about it.
"Captain Apollo," the president said, a smile crossing her face. "You're holding up well under the scrutiny."
"So it is on Colonial One," Lee said, grimacing as he sat down.
"I'm afraid so," the president replied. "The women of Colonial One are quite enjoying it. They seem to have created quite the mythical rivalry between Colonial One and Galactica in my absence, and they take it quite seriously. The outtakes delighted them on several levels."
"I'll bet," Lee said dryly. "You've seen, then?"
"Oh, more than once," the president replied. "Everyone wanted to know if I had seen that much of you during our romantic vacation to Kobol."
Lee suppressed a laugh, which got caught in his nose and made him cough. The president smiled wryly.
"Romantic?"
"Colonial One is a very dull ship from time to time," the president said. "They have a lot of free time to consider what a single woman would do with a handsome man on the run."
There was a very awkward pause, as Lee considered what exactly had happened between himself and Laura Roslin during those two weeks of imprisonment, exile, and rebellion.
"I bet their version was much more imaginative than what really happened," Lee said.
"Sadly, yes," the president replied, twisting the pencil in her hand idly. Another awkward pause. "Captain Apollo, are you upset with me? Or is there some other reason we can't seem to find anything to say to each other?"
"Well," and Lee paused. "I."
"Yes," the president agreed. "The words seem to stick."
"My father seems to have taken over my job," Lee said. "And we're both..."
"Very busy," Laura said. "And you have so much catching up to do with your pilots and Lieutenant Thrace, and our meetings are..."
"Borderline inappropriate," Lee said. "They raise suspicions, but I felt like I needed to see you and then I found I had nothing in particular to say."
"Your father," and Laura's voice disappeared only to rise with surprising passion. "Oh, gods, I hate this."
"I know," Lee said. "But we agreed..."
"I know what we agreed to," Laura replied. "But this is ridiculous. Your father and I have tea every other day. We're getting along so well. And I stare at him and I think..."
Lee knew exactly what Laura was thinking. About fevered encounters, brief kisses, significant glances, hands tangled in sweat-damp hair, the way she had bitten down on his hand so as not to scream in an isolated corner of the Astral Queen.
In short, about the fantasy of a relationship that the lack of distance and the overabundance of desperation and togetherness had sparked between them.
The one that they were slowly trying to bury.
"It's good that we're united again," Lee said, a half-breathed prayer to stem madness.
It seemed to work; the fevered sparkle of memory slipped out of Laura's eyes, and she nodded, breathing heavily.
"I hope this change in scheduling is only temporary, Captain Apollo," she said. "I consider you an important part of my administration, and I truly value your input. Also, I do hope the girls don't give you too much hassle. As I've said, Colonial One can be a bit dull and they're getting badly socialized and isolated here."
Galactica is just as dull without her, Lee wanted desperately to say. As comfortable as it is to slip back into their routines -- her polite agreement with his father, his cheerfully boisterous courtship of Kara -- as normal and real and good as it was, Lee couldn't help but wish for something different.
"Everything is temporary these days, Madam President," Lee said, rising to his feet. "Let's just hope the next change is positive."