Walking On Sunshine
"Okay, Rodney, so you know how I am currently bent over on my bed and you have your dick in me?" Cadman asked, pushing her hair behind her ear. "You know how last I checked, I was doing something for you that usually not even one of those plastic sex dolls would do?"
"Are you suggesting I have one of those? That's just ridiculous!" Rodney said.
"Yeah, sure. Rodney? Shut up, and listen to me while you're fucking me," she said sardonically. "Thrust harder. I've got to feel it to have feedback."
Rodney rolled his eyes and did what the marine said. Once, twice, three times...
"Is that better?" he asked, cupping and squeezing a breast. "Do you feel it?"
"Yeah, but now you're just pumping away. I don't feel special," Cadman said. "You have to make her feel like you're honored to have your dick in her cunt. Sorry, pussy."
Too late -- Rodney was already blushing and willing himself not to lose the fourth erection. He thought of everything -- naked breasts, Angelina Jolie, finding the answer to Fermat's Last Theorem -- and managed to hold off flaccidity.
"Hey, did I call it a fuckstick earlier? Come on, Cadman, you don't want to help me at all. You're just getting your jollies," he mourned.
"Yeah, because trying to have sex until I'm dry is oh-so-very hot. Come on, Rodney. Imagine I'm the green alien girl that Kirk didn't know about. You know you wanna do me, just grab me and okay, yes. Yes, good rhythm, keep going," Cadman said as Rodney started to sweat.
It had sounded like almost a good idea at the time. Cadman wanted to apologize for the whole sharing bodies, and after a few beers, she had been surprised to hear that Rodney was on a sabbatical from sex because he'd done so badly the last few times.
"I mean, I know, it sounds like crap, but you know, I don't want to have sex with a woman if she's just going to remember me as a mediocre lover who tried too hard," he said. "I'd rather not be known as a lover at all."
"Aww!" Cadman said. "Okay, you just need to practice. And advice from a woman. Because you never know who sucks in bed. Like, you'd think Sheppard was a total cocksman? But oh, my god. My friend had sex with him, and--"
She held up her hand and then let it fall. With the appropriate crash-and-burn sound effects. Rodney's eyes had almost bugged out.
"Sheppard's a bad lay?" he asked reverently.
"Meanwhile, Zelenka?" Cadman said with a vicious smile. "Packing a weapon he knows how to use."
Somehow it had turned into Rodney McKay, naked with Laura Cadman, practicing the different ways to insert his penis into a woman's vagina. Like right now, where they were trying "doggy-style" except Rodney was insisting on calling it the Congress of the Cow.
"You are such a girl," Cadman said. "Fuck me harder, you pussy! Give it to me!"
"Hey, whatever happened to cuddling and gentle touches?" Rodney asked.
"I callused my clit with my vibrator," said Cadman. "Okay, good. Good. Touch me there. Yeah, right there."
"Could the feedback be a little more detailed?" Rodney asked, sweaty and trying not to get a headache. "Where is the there I'm supposed to be touching?"
"Put your thumb on my clit. Work it in a clockwise motion. Be aware that Katie might prefer a back and forth," Cadman said in a sing-song. "Also, let's review. What are you going to think about if you start to lose your hard-on, Rodney?"
"Sam Carter naked while doing math at Area 51 and quoting Star Trek," Rodney said. "Oh, wait, she's still wearing boots."
"Right," Cadman said.
"Are you criticizing my sexual fantasy? I didn't laugh when you told me you wanted to be in a threesome with Justin Timberlake and Tommy Lee Jones, Laura," Rodney groused, pausing momentarily before going back to the thrusting/rubbing/nibbling on Cadman's right earlobe routine.
"Come on, Tommy Lee Jones has to be the master swordsman," Cadman said breathlessly. "He's ugly like sin. I bet he's great. Okay, wow, okay, Rodney?"
"What? Am I doing it wrong?"
"No," Cadman said. "You're doing it really right. Like, okay, go a little faster and yeah, okay, yeah. That's -- oh my god, that's perfect."
She squeaked and started clawing at the mattress to get a grip, and Rodney suddenly realized.
"Oh my god, are you having an orgasm?" he asked.
"Oh my god, yes, oh my god, yes," Cadman said.
"Oh my god, oh my god," Rodney said, trying not to panic. "Okay, do I keep thrusting, do I let go, you can't stop talking to me, Cadman!"
"Don't stop fucking me, oh my god, don't you fucking stop," Cadman shrieked. "If you do it right, I come again."
Rodney took a deep breath. "That's good," he said. "Right...you're really sexy when you're having an orgasm. Or two."
"Uh-huh," Cadman said breathlessly. "What about you? You have got to be about hair-trigger right now?"
Coughing, Rodney thought about it. "You know, I've been so focused on you that I didn't even think about it. But yeah, it's kind of like having a low-grade spinal kink waiting to collapse and take a vertebra with it."
"Yeah, now THAT is sexy," Cadman growled. "You make me want to have your uberbabies when you tell me about your collapsing vertebra."
"Hey, I don't have to come at all," Rodney said. "I was just trying to -- oh my god, what are you doing, oh wow, that's..."
"What Kegels and good core stability will do for you, doughboy," Cadman said smugly as Rodney came hard, choking with surprise. "Think of that the next time you mock people for doing all those sit-ups, hey?"
"Okay," Rodney squeaked, falling, spent, onto the bed next to Cadman. "Do all women know how to do that?"
"Just us evil ones," Cadman said. "So, we're good?"
Rodney nodded. "Yeah, we're good," he said. "Um, this was kind of a pleasure, Cadman."
"You could call me Laura," she said. "After all, you have now touched my pussy with your cock. Last names are kind of wrong in this circumstances."
"Okay, Laura," he said. "Um, can I still call you Cadman?"
She laughed. "Only when we're not naked together," she said. "So, Rodney, when's the big night with Katie?"
"Next week," he said. "You and Beckett?"
"Tomorrow," she said, kissing him on the nose. "Wish me luck?"
"Good luck," Rodney said, taking her hand and giving it a firm shake. "And really, Laura. It was a pleasure. Thanks."
"You're welcome," Laura said. "Don't let your big brain fuck with your dick, okay? You're not bad at all when you're not thinking so hard about everything."
She grinned at him, and then, still naked, got up and pulled down a towel, clearly intending to shower and not caring what he did.
"I'll, uh, let myself out," Rodney said.
"Okay! See you!" she called as Rodney awkwardly got dressed.
About halfway back to his own quarters, he realized that he was going to be the next subject of gossip at the girls' poker table. After hyperventilating and falling down from the ankle that twisted in panic, he remembered something.
"Okay," he muttered to himself. "Don't panic. Just offer to pay her anything not mention...that I am better than Sheppard. And who knows? After a little practice, I might even be up there with Zelenka."
Smile plastered to his face and studiously ignoring the two marines who were looking at him strangely, Rodney McKay went in search of a shower, feeling good.