The Evil You Know
"Well, if it isn't my evil nemesis."
"Wow." Veronica raised both eyebrows. "And here I thought I was just your garden variety nuisance." She held her books in front of her chest and batted her eyes. "Why, Logan, I didn't know you cared."
"I'm sorry. Did I give the impression that I cared?"
"Well, actually, you kind of did." She glanced at the door then back at him. "Uh-oh. Did Logan get caught with his pants down? Or just his grades?"
"I should have figured that you'd be here. This is like a second home to you now that you're no longer..."
"A snob like you."
"A snob is someone who thinks they're better than they are, Ronnie." He wrinkled his nose and smiled. "I'm just as good as I think I am."
"Delusion always was your strong point, wasn't it?" She stepped away from the doorway and waved him toward it. "Don't let me stand in your way."
Logan's face hardened, his eyes glinting dangerously. "I never have."
Logan Echolls was always a bit of a thorn in my side, even when he was dating Lilly. Maybe especially when he was dating Lilly. He liked to see if he could get under my skin though it was more a playful thing back then rather than the vicious attacks he now slings my direction. A lot of it stemmed from the fact that I was, despite how I felt about Duncan, slightly attracted to him. He was way out of my league, so I knew I didn't stand a chance, but still, he has that quality that makes you look at him and a vulnerability that makes you like him.
He didn't tell Ms. James the truth about the kiss though. I did tell Lilly that he kissed another girl at that party. Logan even owned up to it when she confronted him. What he didn't say and what I didn't say was that the girl he was kissing was me. It was your typical 09er party but Duncan and I had split and Logan and Lilly were on the outs and I was just tipsy enough to stumble against him. We both were playing with fire and I don't know that either of us knew what we were doing; or maybe we both knew far too well.
He was against the wall and I was on my toes, pressed against him like I knew what I was doing. His hands were on my hips and then my back and his lips were soft and warm and open just enough that I stopped thinking about Duncan and Lilly and everything except Logan. And then we both came to our senses. He left the party and I had another drink and went home about a half hour before my father and the rest of the police force busted the party wide open.
Not my best night. Definitely one of my best kisses.
"Do you want to talk about it, Logan?"
"Talk about what? The fact that my father's an asshole who will screw any girl who's willing to spread her legs for the great Aaron Echolls? Or the fact that my mother's gone missing, presumed dead?"
"I know this is a tough time for you."
"You don't know squat. You think you know what I'm going through, but really you're just another gossip monger like the vultures that watch me drive to school each morning. Well, I'll tell you what, my father's a whore, my mother's a drunk and my girlfriend was murdered. So why don't you take that to the papers and get the hell off my back?"
"What bothers you the most?"
He laughs, high and incredulous, shaking his head all the while. "You are a dumb bitch, aren't you? Do they just give you a sheet with well-meaning sounding questions on it and you just go through them all? What bothers me the most is that I'm here in this stupid little room with you. You're not helping me and you're sure as hell not counseling me." He slammed his fist down onto the desk. "I don't need someone to tell me that my grief is okay, that it's allowed. I don't need you for anything except to give me the pass that says I can go back to class."
Ms. James nodded. "If that's what you want."
"Oh, you don't know how much that's what I want."
She filled out the slip and slid it across her desk. "I'm here if you need to talk, Logan."
"You're nothing." He smirked, nodding briefly before he turned and headed out the door. It closed behind him and he exhaled, crumpling the pass in his hand. "Fuck this." He turned on his heel and headed for the door, his tennis shoes silent on the linoleum floor. The heated air rushed through the air conditioning as he pushed the door open and headed to his car.
He stopped as he approached it, shaking his head. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Leaving school grounds during school hours is a very bad thing, Logan."
"Get off my car, Veronica." He strode toward her, his eyes narrowed.
"I think...no." She nodded once, agreeing with her decision.
He grabbed her arms, his fingers digging into her skin as he lifted her. "Get the fuck off my car."
She stared at him, her eyes betraying the rising panic as she fought the urge to fight him. "Going somewhere?"
"Anywhere but here."
"My favorite place." She inhaled sharply as he put her down on the ground. She didn't look away as she blew out the breath, her chest rising and falling faster than before.
Logan held her gaze then smiled. "Get in."
The car's too small and too warm, but it might have more to do with the fact that Logan's practically caressing the gear shift as he drives. He's going way too fast and I'm just waiting for sirens in the distance. I know that if he gets pulled over it'll be nothing, because he'll get everyone's sympathy -- and a few snide comments behind his back -- but the fact that I'm in the car with him is likely to get him thrown in jail. Or me thrown in jail. Whichever would provide the most fodder for gossip.
Moments like these with him always throw me, even if I hide it pretty well. I never know what to say to him, never know if he's going to be the Logan that was my best friend's boyfriend, the Logan I kissed or the Logan that hates me. If it weren't for the speed of the passing landscape, it'd be easy to pretend he was giving me a lift to the Kane's after school and we were all going to spend the day together, lounging around the pool, telling stupid stories, mocking my lack of experience, drinking too much alcohol.
I remember one Friday night. Duncan and I were studying in the pool house and Logan and Lilly were out in the water. I went out there for something -- I don't even remember if there really was anything or if it was just an excuse. They were lying on the ground, glistening with drops of water in the strange reflective light of the pool. They were touching and kissing and whispering. He took Lilly's top off and stared down at her for a long time before kissing her breasts, licking them, caressing them like he'd never seen them before or might never see them again. I stared until I heard Duncan open the door behind me. I turned and hurried back to the pool house, almost too embarrassed to notice Duncan's gaze didn't leave them as he followed me back inside.
"You ever hear from your mom?"
The question caught Veronica off guard. It filled the silence that had permeated the car since he parked it along the deserted beach. She glanced down at her hands then back out the windshield. "Once."
"You know where she is?"
"Gone."
"Yeah." He let out a long breath. "I used to be jealous as hell of your parents, you know?"
"Mine?"
"Yeah. The Kane's are a mess. Daddy's always gone and Mommy's a bitch. My parents are a joke...were a joke. Your mom and dad always seemed pretty happy. Lilly used to say that she couldn't believe she was friends with someone who didn't have at least one skeleton in her familial closet."
"If only that were true."
Logan laughed. "Yeah. You know she'd be loving this now, don't you? All the high drama of the Echoll's family meltdown? She got off on shit like this."
"Lilly did love drama." Veronica turned in her seat and looked at his profile, searching his face. "Look, Logan..."
"Don't start, okay?" He turned and looked at her, through her. "Don't be all apologetic and don't bother telling me that you're sorry. I don't need a repentant Veronica Mars in my life."
"I thought you didn't need any Veronica Mars in your life."
"You serve a purpose." He looked back toward the beach. "I'm going for a walk." The door opened and he paused, not looking back at her. "You coming?"
Logan walks a few steps ahead of me. Normally he'd say something about the proper place for a female, but instead it just feels like we're both off in our own world. My world, unfortunately, keeps drifting back to the vicinity of the back of his neck. There's something about the bare skin between his collar and his hairline that keeps drawing my eyes. It might be the hint of pale golden hair that is probably softer than I remember it, but the reality is that it's the dark red stripe that shows just at the tip of his spine. It's vivid and fresh, the blood just beneath the skin.
Lilly had told me about the first time she saw the marks. Logan had, for some reason, refused to take his shirt off, preferring to pin her against the wall nearly fully dressed. Not that she'd complained, mind you, but it wasn't your typical Logan. At least not with Lilly. With her he was the opposite of what you'd expect -- sweet, tender, the perfect boyfriend. Oh, sure, they had sex more than most people do in a lifetime and in more positions and ways than were actually legal and possibly physically possible, if Lilly's more drunken ramblings were to be believed, but it was always Lilly who started it, encouraged it.
I don't remember how she'd found out the truth. She crawled in my window at 3 am and cried hot tears of rage on my shoulder. She felt helpless and, if there's one thing Lilly never wanted to feel, that was it. I got the whole story out of her eventually, that Aaron Echolls was an asshole, that the world needed to know what kind of an animal he was. But Logan had made her swear that she wouldn't say a word. Lilly had demanded to know why and he'd told her he wouldn't put his mother through anything, to which she'd replied that his mother obviously let him go through this.
They'd broken up that night for the first time of many. They were together again two days later, all forgiveness and happy smiles.
Lies upon lies.
Logan stopped walking and took a deep breath, inhaling the sharp salty air. He could feel her eyes on him. Without a word, he pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the ground. The wind whipped slightly, sand and salt stinging the belt marks. He sat down, pulling his knees up toward his chest and draping his arms over them. She sat next to him, uncharacteristically silent.
"I suppose you expect me to follow suit here, hmm? Like a silent game of truth or dare?"
"Actually, I was simply wondering how long you were going to be able to keep your mouth shut."
"Yeah, well, I was never very good at that."
"So Duncan has mentioned." He snickered and shook his head as she opened her mouth. Reaching over, he pushed it shut. "I didn't ask for a demonstration, Mars."
"You've got to be kidding if you even think I would..." She stopped as he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her toward him, stopping with her face barely a breath away from his.
"Wouldn't you?" He didn't give her a chance to respond, closing the distance between them as his lips found hers. The muscles in his arms tightened as he fought the urge to fist his hand in her hair, fought every urge as his lips moved over hers, his tongue pushing past her parted lips. She sucked in a sharp breath as her hands lighted on his chest, flexing, fingernails scratching his bare flesh.
Giving up the pretense of control, Logan caught her hair, tangling the short, blonde strands in his fingers. Veronica moaned softly and was suddenly closer, breasts against his chest, arms around his neck, fingers ruffling the short hairs along the nape of his neck. His tongue devoured her, delving into the heat of her mouth, capturing her tongue and sucking it into his mouth. She moaned again, pulling back slightly and biting his lip, sucking on it between her teeth.
His free hand traveled up her back, stroking the slight curve before sliding to her side then up to cup her breast. He brought her back into the kiss as he ran his thumb over her nipple, holding the slight, swollen weight of her in his palm. "I guess it's true," he whispered between kisses, between soft squeezes of her flesh.
"What?" She pulled back, eyes liquid but suddenly wary.
"You are a slut."
I'm not sure what hurts more -- where I slapped him or how he slapped me. If that stupid, cocky grin is any indication, I'm going to have to go with the latter. I'm supposed to be so smart, how the hell did I get so dumb?
He walks past me and I remember, the red welts are raised and bright even against the tan of his skin. Stupid to let him get to me. Stupid to give in. Stupid.
But it felt so good. Not just him, but the thought that someone wanted me, cared about me. As much as I love Wallace and Weevil and Mac, no one's Lilly. They're not a part of my life that was, just my life that is. And I like my life. I just liked my old one too.
When I woke up in the pool house that morning, Logan wasn't my first thought, as much as you might think he would be. Logan isn't the type to do things underhanded. If he was going to fuck me over, he'd do it in public to make sure my humiliation had the maximum impact. Or he'd just let me do it to myself on a deserted beach.
"Where are you going?"
Veronica waved in the direction of Neptune. "Home."
"Get in the car."
"Thanks, I'd rather not. In fact, that's sort of putting it mildly." She kept walking. "I'd rather live through all of the verbal abuse I've gotten since Lilly died all over again than get in your car."
"Get in the fucking car, Veronica."
"Fuck off, Logan."
He grabbed her arm and jerked her back, her body landing hard against his. His breath was warm on her ear, his voice nearly unrecognizable. "Get in the car."
"I'll walk, thanks. Maybe you can stop by the office and tell my dad that I'm on the freeway. Better yet, send Sheriff Lamb. Tell him I'm plying my wares. I'm sure he'll believe you."
"God damn it." Logan turned her around and pressed her against the side of his car. "You think I believe any of that? You think I don't know you? You were Lilly's best friend..."
"And I'm trying to destroy the Kane family. Isn't that what you said to me, Logan? My father and I are out to bring them all to their knees. Just a little revenge on the rich and mighty of Neptune. You think I forgot for one instant what Lilly was to you?"
"No."
"But you all sure as hell forgot what she was to me, didn't you?" She shoved him away. "She was like a sister to me. We shared everything. We told each other everything."
He shook his head, moving in again, his hands stroking the side of her face. "Not everything."
Tears glistened, spilling down her cheeks. "You never told her it was me. You could have."
"No," he admitted, brushing her lips with his own. "If I'd told her it was you, she would have known how much I wanted it too."
Sometimes I see Lilly so clearly, so vivid. Her hair, her eyes, her presence. Other times it's like she's a ghost that I can see through, walk through, barely notice. Like right now, I can't picture her. I can't remember the sound of her voice. I can't remember what it was like to stretch across her bed.
All I can see, all I can picture is Logan dripping water in the haunting light of the pool, his hands moving slowly and reverently across pale skin, stroking tight nipples as his mouth closes over the pale rose tip of a breast. It's not Lilly I see, not Lilly he tastes.
Not anymore.
Logan fumbled with the zipper for a moment before easing her jacket off of her. Her t-shirt was bright green and slipped off of her skin easily. He reached for the door of the car, opening it and guiding her inside, lifting her onto the seat without breaking their kiss.
His fingers unhooked the clasp of her bra as he eased her back onto the seat. He looked down at her as he lifted it away from her skin, sucking in air as he stared down at her bare breasts. She started to withdraw, hands reaching up to cover herself as he caught them, holding them away from her body.
He shook his head and he lowered himself, his breath fanning over her body. "No."
"No?" She asked softly, her voice pleading.
"No." His mouth closed over her breast, his tongue teasing her nipple. She arched upward and he moaned around her flesh, his hand releasing her wrist to slide up to her other breast. He caressed it, massaging the flesh. Veronica writhed beneath him as his mouth moved over, taking the nipple from his fingers against the heat of his tongue.
"Logan," she panted softly, her hips rolling against his as he moved her arm up, his hand still on her wrist, holding it above her head. "We..."
"Mmm," he murmured, kissing and licking his way up her chest to the hollow of her neck. "We." He licked the length of her neck up to her ear then bit the lobe gently. "We. Just you and me. No Duncan. No Lilly." His hand skimmed over her body to the hem of her skirt. He slipped his hand beneath it, fingertips barely touching her thigh. "Us."
He stroked the wet fabric of her panties; pressing just hard enough to send shudders through her entire body. She shook beneath him as he caught her in another kiss, tongues dueling, sparring as he stroked her, biting her lower lip gently as he slipped two fingers beneath the damp material to touch her heated flesh.
Veronica was suddenly alive beneath him, thrashing against him. He pulled away as she jerked back, drawing in on herself in the corner of the back seat. Her knees were against her chest, hiding the swell of her breasts and the rapid rise and fall of her chest as she panted with a mixture of the same fear and desire that was in her eyes. "What the fuck?"
"I can't." She barely managed the words.
"You can't?" He snarled. "Jesus Christ." He grabbed her bra from the floor of the car and flung it at her. "You're not a slut, you're a fucking cock tease." He slumped against the seat for a moment then kicked the back of the passenger seat hard. "Jesus."
"It's not..."
"It's not happening." He sneered at her. "Yeah, I got that. You're sweet, innocent little Veronica Mars. What's the matter? You can't get off on it unless you're watching?" He laughed at the surprised look one her face. "What? You don't think Lilly knew you were watching us? You don't think that wasn't a show just for you? Christ, Veronica, I thought you were smart. Lilly was having fun at your expense. Getting off on the fact that you were getting off. All she could talk about was how pissed she was you didn't go in the pool house and fuck Duncan."
"I..."
"I don't want to hear it." He got out of the car, tossing her shirt and jacket inside before slamming the door shut behind her. He slid in the front seat and started the car, revving the engine before spinning in the sand as he whipped off of the beach and onto the shimmering asphalt, his eyes cold in the rearview mirror as he watched her dress.
You play with fire and you get burned. That's all I can think as I watch Logan peel away from the curb, his tire tracks now embedded in the road outside my house. When I left here this morning, I was so sure I knew everything, so sure I knew everyone.
Lilly was my best friend. Logan was my enemy. Nothing's changed, except Lilly didn't just laugh at everyone else, she laughed at me. And there's a fine line between enemy and ally, between love and hate.
You think you know someone.
You're wrong.