Once And Ever Again
He remembers that they never actually talked about it. It's not like it really changed anything. Not like it matters. This is what Miles tells himself, whenever he catches himself wondering if it did.
Keiko would never understand. This is one of the many reasons he has never told her about it. She wouldn't understand that he still loves her and he still loves the kids. He assumes that Julian hasn't mentioned it to Ezri. You can't trust therapists, even if you are sleeping with them. Although Miles prefers to believe that Julian and Ezri never have sex. They might occasionally hold hands under the covers, but that's it.
He knows that Keiko has always been a little jealous, always saying that he spends too much time in Quark's. Specifically, that he spends too much time in Quark's with Julian. She says it like he's been playing around with another woman. Keiko's a smart one.
He remembers using Keiko as his excuse. His first words post-coital were: "I'm married, you know."
"Yes, I know."
"And I have two kids. You delivered one of them."
"I was there at the time, Miles."
"So this is not going to happen again, alright?"
"Does that make it an early birthday present or a late Christmas present?"
"Shut up." And he stood up, got dressed and left. Abrupt, but he knew that he had to be. He had to remind himself that he was married. Julian would remember, because of course he remembers everything, but Miles gets absent-minded like anybody else. Anybody normal.
He remembers that the next conversation they had was about light- speed dynamics. He remembers that he got Julian an antique stethoscope for his thirty-fourth birthday, and wonders if he took it the wrong way. He knows that he's never been any good at buying gifts for people he cares about.
He remembers being jealous of Ezri and trying to pretend that he wasn't. He pretended to himself most of all, and took Keiko to dinner often enough for her to get suspicious. He remembers taking Kirayoshi for a checkup, and having entirely inappropriate thoughts about his best friend. The thing that upset him most was the fact that he didn't feel guilty. Because Julian isn't supposed to be so attractive when both of them are sober, and Miles is not supposed to remember things he claims to have forgotten. And he is definitely not supposed to want to have sex with his best friend again.
He remembers the brief lapse into adultery, just after they lost the Seventh Fleet. When he and Julian decided to cope with the news by getting together, getting depressed and getting drunk. In whichever order seemed most convenient at the time. Not that he was that drunk, not that he wasn't entirely aware of what he was doing. But it was a useful excuse.
He remembers knocking back his fifth glass of Locke's and wishing that Julian would do more than just flirt. He remembers thinking that genetic engineers should get their priorities right and work on increasing alcohol tolerance along with intelligence. He was entirely unimpressed by Julian's medical trivia about the number of brain cells killed by every unit of alcohol.
He still isn't quite sure which of them moved first. He assumes that it was Julian. But one of them kissed the other, so the end result was the same. The thought that came into his head at the time wasn't shock or surprise or discomfort. He quite distinctly remembers thinking: "Do I taste of whiskey as much as he does?"
Whoever initiated it, he has a clear memory of kissing him back. And then there were hands and clothes and he was running his fingers through hair that was so much shorter than Keiko's.
He remembers thinking that it was a lot easier than undressing a woman.
He knows that his explanation for it all has changed a few times since. The one he favours at the moment is engineer's curiosity ö he just wanted to know what it would be like to fuck Julian.
He also knows that this most recent justification is a lie.
He remembers that he is very very good at repressing his emotions. He's not the talking type. He is stable and reliable. None of these things are true, but he likes to believe them anyway.
It only happened once. He should be over it by now.
He vaguely wonders what Ezri's like in bed. He doesn't follow the thought for too long because it will inevitably take him back to thinking about shagging Julian. He congratulates himself for his own strength of will. There's hope for him yet.
He worries about Keiko. He worries that he talks in his sleep, like... No, best not to go there. ("...adenine cytosine cytosine guanine adenine adenine thymine cytosine...") He has convinced himself that she does know, and is storing it up for when the kids are old enough to handle divorce. But he does love her. He is certain that he loves her. Of course, Julian is far better at living a lie than he is and can continue to make jokes and play darts as if nothing ever happened. Probably fucks Ezri half-way to Sunday without once thinking of Miles. Lucky bastard.
He wishes he could be that good at playing make-believe. He worries that he lacks imagination.
He wishes he could just fuck him again and stop all this introspection. He's sure it can't be good for him.
He decides that this line of thinking is best saved for masturbation purposes. One of those images to be dredged up from memory and speculation when his hormones are being stubborn and won't settle for anyone but Julian. He wonders if it's wrong to hate your own hormones. He wonders if it's too late to get himself re-wired. Apparently they do a good line in that on Adigion Prime.
He assumes that he'll just have to get over it in time. Time's supposed to be a great healer. Maybe he just hasn't lived long enough yet to find out.
But until then, he'll continue to wank to an image of his best friend, and he'll continue to feel like he's a few steps away from cheating on his wife again. Maybe it'd be better to get away from it all. Put a bit of distance between himself and temptation.
They have great schools on Earth...