Ritual
by Pearl-o
Then
Simon awoke at the rasped whisper of his name. "Mrrmm?" he said blurrily, blinking.
"Simon, are you awake?"
In the moonlight through his window, Simon could just barely make out her form as she stood beside his bed in her thin nightgown. The white stood out in the dark, rich room. He heard the sound of the sheets shifting against each other as River climbed in beside him. "I am now."
"I couldn't sleep."
He scooted over slightly, and she moved immediately into the space he left.
"Nervous?" Simon said quietly. He caught her hand in his own, smiling to himself.
He could feel River's hair brush against his neck and chest as she shook her head. "I'm so excited, Simon!" She squeezed his hand.
"I can imagine," he said. "It's ... it's a big opportunity for you."
River sighed quietly. "It's amazing. This time tomorrow, I'm going to be on my way."
"This time tomorrow, you'll be gone," Simon said.
The household had been talking about little else for weeks now. Simon had always known River was brilliant -- smarter than he'd ever be -- and it shouldn't have been surprising that others should notice, too.
But it hadn't really sunk in all the way that to go, she was going to actually have to leave.
River was quiet. She leaned close against Simon, and he slipped his arms around her. After a few moments, she said, "I'll miss you the most," and rested her head down against his shoulder.
"You won't miss me that much," Simon said lightly. "After a few weeks, you'll be too busy there to miss anything. You probably won't even remember to write."
"Don't be stupid," River muttered against him. She yawned and then sat up in a quick move, gazing down at him. Her eyes were bright. "Are you going to be there tomorrow?"
He smiled up at her fondly. "You think I'd let you go across the galaxy without seeing you off? Who else is going to make sure it's a fit vessel for you?" He had arranged for time off weeks before; it would be the first day he'd missed all the time through his residency, and all his time at MedAcad.
River laughed softly. "You don't know anything about ships, Simon. I studied them for weeks last year. You've only even been off planet once."
"So?" He pulled on her arm, and she lay down beside him without protest. "I'm your big brother. I'm supposed to worry about you and be overprotective and suspicious. I take of you. It's my job." River had turned her back to him, and he kissed her nape and pulled the covers up higher over the two of them. "Just like your job is to be bratty and annoying and show me up whenever possible."
"It's possible a lot," River said, yawning.
Simon rested his arm across her stomach and said, "Try to get some sleep, mei mei."
River snorted at that, but within a few minutes he could hear the soft shift of her breathing. After that, he closed his eyes and tried to sleep himself.
Now
At the slight whispering noise, Simon sat up rod straight and reached for under his pillow, feeling around for the gun he kept there, the one he'd demanded from Mal after the night with Early.
"Simon?" River repeated uncertainly from beside the bed, and he relaxed.
"River, what are you doing out of your room?"
"I couldn't sleep."
That was probably a mercy, Simon thought. There had been so many nights when it had been the sounds of River's whimpers or scream waking him up. "Do you want me to get you a pill from my bag?"
He could see her shaking her head as she hugged herself through the thin nightgown. "No. I don't want to." She only paused a few seconds. "Can I sleep with you?"
He hesitated for a second, then said, "Of course, mei mei. Here." He pushed himself towards the wall, and River slipped into the bed beside him, curling up tightly.
"Simon," said River softly after a moment, and Simon didn't trust her tone.
"Rest, River."
Simon started to turn on his side, facing away, but then River sprung with a sudden burst of movement, pinning down his shoulder and straddled him with easy accuracy. She looked down at him, and he caught his breath.
"I remember this," she informed him. "We would wrestle. You were always stronger than me then. You pulled my hair."
"River..."
"But I got back at you, with the toads in your bed." She smiled wickedly. "You had to sleep in my room for days. Even after the servants changed the sheets you wouldn't go back." River leaned over and scraped the palms of her hands slowly down the length of Simon's bare chest. He could feel his nipples responding, hardening as she brushed against them; all of him was responding to her full body press against him, and he shrunk away as best he could, vaguely horrified.
"River, you need to stop."
She ignored him, leaning in closer, so their faces almost touched. "I see it, Simon, what you're thinking. I see it too." River kissed him then, the same kiss they'd exchanged hundreds of times, only ... different like this. "Simon, I love you."
He was stronger than her, he could pull her off, but she was so fragile... And they were all alone, just the two of them. Even the other people on Serenity, they weren't really part of them. "It's different, River, you know that. You know it's wrong. It's not like married people love."
River was quiet for a second, and said, "I see everybody. I see them kissing and together and all these things, and I don't -- I don't have that. I won't ever, because they made me wrong." She kissed him again, and this time it was different completely, nothing sibling-like about it. Simon made a protesting noise against her mouth and she pulled away, looking down at him sadly. "I love you, Simon. So much. And it hurts sometimes, and you were so far away, and you came for me and took me away..."
"River," Simon said helplessly, trying despite himself to keep his voice calm and firm, "we can't do this. We can't."
"Shhhh..." River whispered, slipping her hand under the waistband of his sweatpants. "Just close your eyes, Simon. I'll take care of you."
He bit his lip and tasted the blood at the feeling of her hand on his cock -- and if he were a better brother, this wouldn't be happening, he wouldn't be springing to meet her, getting harder at her touch. He wouldn't be letting her do this, sink down on him--
"Oh, Simon," River whispered, and he opened his eyes to see her stripped of her nightgown, rocking against him slowly, and she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
Her eyes were bright, and he squeezed her hand tight as she leaned down to kiss him.
Soon
Simon couldn't manage real sleep, deep sleep, just a brief troubled doze, and that snapped at the sound of the broken twig.
He froze in his position on the ground, under the dirt colored blanket. There was nobody next to him.
"River?" he whispered, as quietly as he could.
"I couldn't sleep," she said, and he turned onto his back towards her voice, and gazed at her where she stood at the edge of the clearing.
The trees were thinner over there, and he could make her out in the moonlight, standing absolutely still, facing away from him, into the wilderness. She reminded him of a deer, or some other animal, thin and graceful and completely wild.
Alone. It's not like he ever liked leaving her alone, but it was worse now, of course. Any moment he let her out of his sight...
Simon didn't even know where they were, its name; it had been a last minute change of plans, the drop off point for the latest set of goods.
Someone must have known about River, someone must have turned them in, somone must have been paid well. They'd been waiting when Serenity landed. Like walking right into a trap.
Simon couldn't quite think of it head on yet. He couldn't imagine really what it must be like for River.
"Somebody might see you," Simon said. "Lie down with me."
River didn't move.
"River."
"I miss her." She turned her head in his direction.
There were any number of people she could have been talking about. "Serenity?" Simon guessed.
"She's hurt. It's my fault."
River walked towards him slowly. Her dress was thin white cotton, even thinner from washing. She'd had a sweater, something warm and sturdy, but she had lost it sometime the night before. Tomorrow, Simon thought, he'd have to find something new for her. Boys' clothes, maybe. They could cut her hair. He had only had time today to snatch the blanket, some apples and a loaf of bread. He'd had River wait in the woods while he tried the town. He had been afraid he would get caught (on this boondocks planet where they probably still hanged for petty thievery) and not be able to return to her. He had been afraid she would be gone when he did come back.
"None of it's your fault, River." He leaned up and pulled her down with him when she came close enough. She let him guide her, laying slack in his arms without any argument. Her arms were bare and freezing.
"Serenity, and Kaylee, and the Shepherd. If it wasn't for me they'd all be fine," River said, her voice low and even.
"No. You have done nothing wrong. They're all going to be fine. You'll see when they come back and get us." He didn't even hesitate at the lies anymore.
"They're dead. The ship is better, but it's far away. The captain thinks what happened to them happened to us."
Simon wished he had a way of believing that flat tone of River's was anything but undeniably true.
"It will be okay," he said, firm as he could, and he tightened his arms around her. "I promise."
"Careful," she said dully. "You don't want to hurt it."
Simon closed his eyes as a sick dread filled his chest. He swallowed. "Hurt what?"
River turned around in his grip. "Ten fingers, ten toes..." she whispered. She rested her head against his chest.
Oh, god.
He swallowed again. "It'll be all right," he said again, because there was nothing else to say. He kissed her hair. "I'll take care of us."
River didn't respond, just breathed against his chest, and they lay together silently in the rough clearing as the night wore on.