Hotboxed
[Theme and credits.]
[Nighttime. GEORGE SR. is driving the truck north along I-5, sunglasses on and humming.]
NARRATOR: George Sr. drove the cabin all the way to Salem before he realized that Michael and George-Michael were no longer inside.
GEORGE SR.: [shouts out the window] Son, we're about to take a left turn, you might want to lean to the-- son? [bleeped] ...I knew I should have driven straight through Ashland.
[His phone rings; he digs through his Blue Man-issue black jumpsuit and answers it.]
GEORGE SR.: Hello? ... Kitty!
NARRATOR: Kitty was waiting for George to pick her up for their promised camping trip.
[shot: KITTY sitting on the steps of the hotel, bag and fishing pole beside her]
GEORGE SR.: I know, I know you're in Reno, baby, I just gotta-- [Kitty cuts him off and speaks angrily] The prosecutor? No! No, don't tell her that! Don't tell anybody that! Let me just--
NARRATOR: While George tried to talk Kitty out of calling the prosecuting attorney and spitefully telling her everything, Michael and George-Michael tried to find their way back to Los Angeles.
[MICHAEL and GEORGE-MICHAEL are sitting on a curb with torn clothes. MICHAEL has a scratch on his face.]
MICHAEL: No worries, son, we'll just thumb a ride from a friendly driver! Like one of those...
[A van of hippies drives by, blasting Phish.]
HIPPIE: [sing-song] 4-2-0!
MICHAEL: ...friendly potheads there. Why don't we call your Aunt Lindsay?
NARRATOR: Taken with the idea of being the savior of the day, Lindsay drove quickly up from Reno, completely forgetting her daughter in their hotel room.
[shot: MAEBY sitting on the bed, her bags beside her.]
[LINDSAY pulls up to the curb where MICHAEL and GEORGE-MICHAEL are waiting.]
LINDSAY: All right, here I am! God, this town is smelly. [cocks head] And I think I killed a hippie on the way in.
NARRATOR: She didn't, but not from lack of trying.
[shot: LINDSAY backing up/driving forward angrily]
LINDSAY: Get off the grill!
[present]
MICHAEL: Fascinating as that is, we have to get back home. I need to hire a new lawyer, and we've just seen Dad.
LINDSAY: Dad? Dad's in prison, Michael.
MICHAEL: No, Oscar's in prison. Dad's probably in Canada by now.
GEORGE-MICHAEL [simultaneously]: Uncle Oscar? LINDSAY [simultaneously]: Is that a euphemism?
MICHAEL: Yes and no. And give me the keys, Linds, I'm driving. This family's in enough legal trouble as it is without adding manslaughter to the record.
LINDSAY: Fine, but don't go through the university. That way's all slippery now.
[FADE TO WHITE]
[FADE FROM WHITE]
[Interior: model home. It's late morning. MICHAEL opens the door softly as GEORGE-MICHAEL and LINDSAY yawn together behind him.]
NARRATOR: When they got to the model home eleven hours later, no one was home.
GOB: Where have you been?
NARRATOR: Except for GOB.
[Soft 80s pop music is heard playing from below. A crashing sound, and someone yells "Holy Sainted Michael Dukakis!"]
NARRATOR: And the Hot Cops.
GOB: The things I do for you, Michael, and you aren't even around to appreciate them.
MICHAEL: GOB, what is this?
NARRATOR: GOB took Michael aside and explained that he'd hired the Hot Cops as plumbers to fix the sinkhole.
GOB: They know a lot about holes, Michael. And even more about plugging them up.
MICHAEL: Well, I don't doubt that.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, George-Michael was wondering where Maeby was.
[The phone rings.]
GEORGE-MICHAEL: I'll get it! [answers] Hello?
KITTY (on phone): Hello?
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Hello?
KITTY (on phone): Is there an echo?
GEORGE-MICHAEL: What?
KITTY (on phone): Aha! This is a ruse, Michael Bluth, but it's one I'm not falling for. I've got a message for you.
GEORGE-MICHAEL: I think you want my dad.
KITTY (on phone): He told you, did he? Well now you can tell him something: unless he takes me camping this week like he promised, I'm testifying!
GEORGE-MICHAEL: My dad?
KITTY (on phone): That's right. And you can also tell him that if he doesn't, he can say goodbye to these!
[Rustling at the other end of the phone, then the line goes dead. GEORGE-MICHAEL stares at the receiver.]
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Dad?
NARRATOR: Dad was still arguing with GOB about the sinkhole.
MICHAEL: For the last time, the Hot Cops are not licensed plumbers!
GOB: You just don't want to hire them because you're still bitter about George-Michael's drug deal.
MICHAEL: Fake drug deal, and I don't want to hire them because they're incompetent! They can hardly tell a pipe from a rod!
GOB: [scoffs] Hardly tell a-- oh, I see. Trick question!
MICHAEL: Just get them out of the basement.
NARRATOR: While Michael tried to get the Hot Cops out of the model home, Maeby tried to direct a group of hotboxers to it.
[MAEBY is sitting on the front bench seat of the hippie van seen before. "Big Yellow Joint" is playing from the speakers.]
MAEBY: So you guys are making the pilgrimage, huh?
HIPPIE 1: Every year! [points to a calendar reading 9/20, on which the 9 resembles a 4] 420!
MAEBY: [shrugs] 420!
HIPPIES: 420! [all laugh]
[shot of van driving south on I-5]
NARRATOR: Lucille was having trouble with a hotbox of her own.
[Food cart driving along the shore of Lake Tahoe. LUCILLE is clutching the side and fanning herself with a taco shell.]
LUCILLE: Could it get any more humid? No, the cabin on the left.
[The food cart squeals to a stop. She and BUSTER disembark, and walk up to the nearly-identical cabin.]
BUSTER: [waving the hook] Adios, mi muchachos!
[LUCILLE knocks.]
LUCILLE: Lucille? Dear? [to self] Thank God, she's not here.
NARRATOR: Although Lucille 2's second husband had left her a cabin in Tahoe, she had never used it, having been unable to lift a suitcase without falling over.
LUCILLE: Probably watching that black show with that black friend of hers.
NARRATOR: 'Inside the Projects' was a relatively popular show on the Learning Channel, and had nothing to do with race. It starred former Trading Spaces carpenter Ty Pennington and claimed to take an 'inside look' at newly built homes.
[Shot: LUCILLE 2 and CARL WEATHERS watching TV. 80s music is heard in the background of the show.]
TY (voice from TV): And the plumbing here is clearly faulty, from what we can see of the exterior of the west side-- HOT COP (voice from TV): Hey, who's the guy with the camera?
[camera: close on LUCILLE]
LUCILLE: Thank God for small favors and cheapskate actors. Now give me your hook so I can unlock the-- Get away from the water! Do you want to lose a foot, too?
[Pan down lakeside, revealing a one-shoed Buster about to dip his toe into the lake.]
BUSTER: It's so blue!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, one other member of the Bluth family found himself about to take a dive.
[STEVE HOLT is sitting dejectedly at Swallow's Family Diner, nursing a vanilla milkshake. TOBIAS approaches.]
TOBIAS: Young man, is there anything else I can get for you?
STEVE: Yeah. My dad. Or my girlfriend. Or both.
TOBIAS: [writing on order pad] I believe we can help you, if you'd like to come back in three hours or so.
STEVE: [staring into milkshake] At least I think he's my dad-- and I think she's my girlfriend--
TOBIAS: Ah, unlucky in love! Oh, Cupid, you sprightly little winged cherub! How coyly you shake your buttocks!
STEVE: Yeah, exactly! And then day after, she just left me! Not even a note!
[TOBIAS is struck by the similarities to his own situation. He thwaps the table impulsively.]
TOBIAS: If win her you shall, then woo her you must! To arms, man! Come, come, there's not a moment to lose!
[TOBIAS helps STEVE stand up and claps him on the back.]
STEVE: Man, she was perfect for me...so hot, so smart...she was going to help me study! Now that she's gone, I may have lost my shot at graduating! Again!
[TOBIAS is touched.]
TOBIAS: Follow me to my vehicle, my boy, and I will be your squire in the pursuit of your lady-love! And perhaps my own love I shall reclaim....
STEVE: Does this mean I don't have to pay for my milkshake? Because I think she took my wallet, too.
NARRATOR: While Steve and Tobias set off in pursuit of the flighty temptress, Michael found her.
[MAEBY is walking along the street away from the banana stand. She cups her hands and calls back to the hippies.]
MAEBY: Thanks for the ride! [to herself] God, I'm starving! Why isn't anyone working the banana stand?
MICHAEL: [across the street] Maeby!
MAEBY: Hey! Aren't you supposed to be in Reno?
MICHAEL: Aren't you supposed to be in Reno?
MAEBY: Change of plans, notably my mother running off and ditching me. A-gain.
MICHAEL: Wait-wait, she left you in Reno? By yourself? [crosses street quickly, dodging the staircar, whose brakes squeal.]
LINDSAY [driving the staircar] Michael! GOB sent us out to tell you that the plumbers need sandbags, band-aids, and pipes. Or rods. Something needs to be rod...ded. Rodden. Ridden?
MICHAEL: Yeah, and it's GOB's criminal irresponsibility. And yours, too! You should be ashamed of yourself! Linds, this is the worst thing I've ever seen you do!
NARRATOR: It was actually the third worst thing he had ever seen her do.
LINDSAY: What is it this time, Michael? Did I cross the street without looking both ways, like you?
GEORGE-MICHAEL: [sticks his head out the passenger window] Hey, Dad? You got this call--
MAEBY: George-Michael! [yanks Michael behind the hippies' van]
MICHAEL: What?
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Maeby?
LINDSAY: ...Michael?
MICHAEL: What's this all about?
MAEBY: Shhhh! Don't let them know we're here!
MICHAEL: Well, I think they know, Maeby, I can understand your being upset, and God knows I'm mad at your mother too, but--
MAEBY: SSSSHHH!
MICHAEL: [raising his voice slightly] But the way to deal with this problem is to confront it, not hide from it, and--
MAEBY: Shut UP!
NARRATOR: In a quandary about how to keep her uncle from divulging their not-so-secret location, Maeby instinctively fell back on the one technique that had always worked like a charm with the boys at school.
[MAEBY presses MICHAEL again the van and kisses him]
MICHAEL: [muffled]
[beat]
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Dad?
[Pan up to GEORGE-MICHAEL standing beside the van, looking at them. LINDSAY comes up behind him.]
LINDSAY: Maeby?
[MAEBY steps back. MICHAEL is still stunned.]
MAEBY: [accusingly, to MICHAEL] Now look what you did!
MICHAEL: Oooooh-kay.
[FADE TO WHITE]
[FADE FROM WHITE]
NARRATOR: While Michael tried to save face in front of his son and sister, and Maeby did what she was best at and blamed somebody else, GOB was having trouble keeping the Hot Cops in line.
[Basement of the model home. One wall has been knocked down, and mud oozes in. Pipes stick out from the opening. Duct tape is tacked around the pipes in attractive yet ultimately useless patterns. The Hot Cops have fashioned a raft out of pieces of wall and duct tape, and are standing on it and clutching each other.]
GOB: Come on! Are you Hot Cops, or are you...Not Cops?
HOT COP 1: Come on yourself, GOB! We didn't agree to work like this! There's mud and water and strange men with cameras! You said it'd be no different than a regular gig!
GOB: It isn't any different! So it's a little dirty. So you've got to crack out the duct tape and stick things together. Well, let me tell you something. Gary!
HOT COP GARY: Yeah?
GOB: Remember that job you had down in San Bernardino last May?
HOT COP GARY: The old couple with the golf clubs? How could I forget?
GOB: And Larry!
HOT COP LARRY: Yeah?
GOB: Remember that gig you had in Encinitas two months ago?
HOT COP LARRY: The bondage bachelorette? Of course!
GOB: And now you come to tell me that you're afraid of a little mud and duct tape? I had you guys as real professionals.
[voice from the back (Wayne Jarvis): "We are professionals!"]
GOB: [smiles] Now get in there and ... do something with tape to those pipes!
HOT COPS: YEAH!
[80s music begins to play again as the Hot Cops pile off the raft and begin ripping strips of duct tape off the roll and taping pipes together.]
[Upstairs. MICHAEL, GEORGE-MICHAEL, LINDSAY, and MAEBY walk in the front door, continuing what is clearly a heated argument.]
MAEBY: ...not my fault!
LINDSAY: I'll deal with you in a minute!
MICHAEL: Oh, like you're one to talk! You left her alone in a hotel room in Reno!
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Guys?
MAEBY: Is there any food in the refrigerator?
LINDSAY [to MICHAEL]: Well, I'm glad to see you're ready to step up and fill that void!
MICHAEL: Just what is that supposed to mean?
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Guys?
MAEBY: Because I'm seriously starving.
LINDSAY: You know perfectly well what I mean, Michael!
MICHAEL: This is ridiculous, we're all exhausted, why don't we all just-- what, George-Michael?
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Is it supposed to be like that?
[LINDSAY gasps.]
MICHAEL: Holy [bleeped bleeped]!
[cut to: The sunken living room is full of water, which is slowly creeping up to floor level. GOB steps out from behind the staircase.]
GOB: Michael!
[The television falls onto the damp floor, and a geyser of water shoots out of the wall.]
[beat.]
GOB: I can explain.
MICHAEL: That's it. That's it! I'm through. I'm taking George-Michael and the staircar, and I'll see you all at the trial.
GOB [in unison]: Come on, is this really such a big deal? It's fixeable! We just need duct tape and time! LINDSAY [in unison]: Michael, wait! You still owe me gas money from last night! Premium isn't cheap, you know! MAEBY [in unison]: Geez, if you're going to react like that every time, no wonder you've only slept with five women! GEORGE-MICHAEL [in unison]: You know, not that I don't love the idea, but I've been sleeping in the staircar a lot lately....
MICHAEL: [waves them down] No, no, no! George-Michael and I are going, we're going to find a new laywer and track down Dad, and, and that's it! You can just handle your lives by yourselves, but you're not getting any more help from me. Let's go. [turns around and walks out the front door, trailed by a reluctant GEORGE-MICHAEL.]
GOB: It's not all my fault. I mean, come on! I didn't even know about the wall! I only found out about the wall when I saw it on that Projects show!
LINDSAY: Oh, it's not you. Michael's just a horribly selfish person, as usual. Maeby, what do you--
NARRATOR: And then the full night of sleep they'd missed while driving home hit everybody.
[shot: split-screen. MICHAEL driving GEORGE-MICHAEL in starcair, and LINDSAY and MAEBY standing in the foyer. All four yawn.]
MAEBY: [still yawning] Leave me out of this. I'm going to eat a whole bag of Chee-tos and then I'm going to bed. [goes into kitchen]
LINDSAY: [still yawning] She's up past her bedtime.
GOB: Well, if you two are going to bed, than I'll... just... fix the house before Michael comes back!
MAEBY: [emerges from kitchen, hands full of chips, popcorn, and a cake reading "Happy Don't Buy!"] 'Kay. [She slowly begins to climb the stairs.]
LINDSAY: [sleepily following her] I trust you to do what's best.
GOB: [suddenly inspired] And I won't let you down! HOT COPS! TO ME!
[from below, 80s music starts up, followed by a lengthy crashing sound. Another geyser spurts from the wall by the stairwell.]
NARRATOR: Eight hours and twelve rolls of duct tape later, GOB finally found a way to deal with the flooding.
[Outside the model home: GOB being interviewed by the 'Inside the Projects' team.]
GOB: And if these local 'officials' [points at Hot Cops gathered behind him] had done their job right, we wouldn't even have this mess to deal with!
HOT COP LARRY: Thanks a lot, you [bleeped bleeped].
NARRATOR: Lindsay and Maeby found that their pursuers had caught up with them.
[LINDSAY is awoken by a rock crashing through her window. She opens it, hair mussed and bleary-eyed. Shot: TOBIAS and STEVE standing on their car. STEVE holds a sign reading "TAKE US BACK, HOT SMRT WOMEN!" TOBIAS holds a sign reading "YOU TOO, LINDSAY!" MAEBY is looking out her window, too. The women look at the men, at each other, and roll their windows back down.]
NARRATOR: Lucille and Buster suffer an equally rude awakening.
[LUCILLE 2 and CARL WEATHERS find the door of her cabin unlocked. CARL is carrying a feminine suitcase. LUCILLE thunders down the hall in her pyjamas.]
LUCILLE: Who's there?
BUSTER [o.s.]: Mom?
LUCILLE 2: Lucille, what's this?
[beat. BUSTER is seen emerging from his room and freezes. LUCILLE and LUCILLE 2 stare at each other, until LUCILLE breaks into an enormous grin and shouts:]
LUCILLE: Surpriiiiiiise!
NARRATOR: And George-Michael, tired of being so low on his father's priority list, talks to him about it.
[GEORGE-MICHAEL and MICHAEL sit in the parked staircar in Reno.]
GEORGE-MICHAEL: I just feel like it's always us running from them. Not that I don't love the fishing trips, and the camping trip, and that time we went to Arizona--
MICHAEL: That was a good time.
GEORGE-MICHAEL: But I think it's time to stop! You're running, and driving, and just kissing everybody all over the place behind vans that smell like plants--
MICHAEL: Well, I haven't been kissing everybody!
GEORGE-MICHAEL: That's not the point! It's bad enough that you kissed my girl-- my girl cousin!
MICHAEL: What, like you have any other cousins?
NARRATOR: He does.
MICHAEL: [shakes head] I'm sorry, that's not-- that's not the point. What happened there was-- we were tired, we got confused, there was a lot of confusion, and-- you know, it's really too early to be pointing fingers. Let's not play the blame game.
GEORGE-MICHAEL: That's no excuse, Dad! It's not the blame game, it's accountability! You always taught me to be accountable for my actions, and now you can't be accountable for yours?
[beat.]
MICHAEL: You know, you're right. You're absolutely right. It's time for accountability. Not just from me, but from everybody. [starts engine.] Let's go. We've got some people to talk to.
[shot: staircar driving away. Pan up to reveal Kitty, with camping gear, asleep on the back.]
[FADE TO WHITE]
[FADE FROM WHITE]
NARRATOR: On the next episode of Arrested Development, Maeby makes a decision.
[MAEBY and GEORGE-MICHAEL's room. MAEBY and STEVE are sitting on the lower bed and wearing lifejackets.]
STEVE: So this is it, huh? You're breaking up with me?
MAEBY: Yeah, you kind of remind me of my uncle.
STEVE: In a sexy way?
MAEBY: Not that uncle.
STEVE: What?
MAEBY: ...What?
NARRATOR: George-Michael makes a discovery.
[GEORGE-MICHAEL enters.]
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Hey, we're ba--
[MAEBY jumps up and runs from the room...]
NARRATOR: And Michael makes a huge little mistake.
[...straight into MICHAEL, knocking him down and hitting his head on the stairs.]
MICHAEL: [looking up dazedly at MAEBY] Tracy?
[end theme and credits.]