Trio In The Key Of E Minor (the bluenote remix)
CJ is used to the cold sheets and the empty room. The space where a body once was, night after night, but gone before the light shone around the edges of the curtains. The silence of her apartment in the mornings is familiar. She makes her own coffee as she has done for years. For as long as she can remember, she has woken up alone.
The difference is, she used to go to bed in company.
She used to be invincible, able to face the day no matter what confronted her. But she wasn't expecting to face that - the line, and its accusing, cold shade of blue. That said 'careless'. 'Thoughtless'. 'Short-sighted'.
She has heard the arguments. She works for the Federal Government - she lives with the arguments daily, but until now, she never let them touch her. She is - she was - invulnerable.
The decision later that screamed 'selfish' and 'self-centered', even though she knew it was the right decision, knew it was right for her. Knew it would never work any other way, and was willing to deal with the heartache because it was the only possibility.
But that wasn't the worst part. That wasn't what made it so hard to get up in the morning and make coffee and go to the gym and then go to the office and keep working away all day. That wasn't what made the world crumble around her.
Andi - pregnant.
Toby - glowing in a way that even Andi wasn't.
And CJ cold and alone and shivering and having to smile.
That was the worst. Having to smile. No choice but to be blissfully happy for two long-time friends finally seeing their dream before their eyes. Never able to let anyone know that her dreams - fantasies - delusions - had just been torn to shreds before her eyes.
Of course, she knew it wasn't a possibility. Not really. She's lived with the reality long enough. Late nights, early mornings, the subterfuge of not being found in the same bed by anyone, anywhere. The double-edged sword of overnights in hotels - campaign stops, overseas trips. Always looking over her shoulder, over his.
And where did it all start? Really? One drink too many, years ago. Tension and attraction and leaning over for a teasing kiss. A joke gone too far - a joke that never stopped until it ripped into her. Shred her heart. Left her bereft.
In the end, she is left speechless. All she can do is clasp her hands and look at him with pretended joy in her eyes, and go back to her room and lie dry-eyed on the bed, staring at the dark and begging for sleep. It never ends. There will be the months of pregnancy - and then the birth. And even amongst the unexpected chaos she will have to take the time to show her hypocritical joy. Childhood as the honorary aunt, adolescence as confidant... the years stretch out before her and she begs God and the universe for another way out. A way that doesn't involve falling in love with the children as she loves their parents. For God knows she loves Andi almost as dearly as she loves Toby - dearly and yet differently. And she loves the idea of the children and she will love the children, for she knows she will have no choice.