Survival Mechanism
He came back, for a visit, he said. On his way somewhere, to handle something. The details were vague, but I could tell he wasn't happy. Not happy to be back. Not happy to not be here anymore.
Not happy that she wasn't here.
He came to my office. About two seconds later, I got a message from Nerys saying that Worf had just arrived on the station. I smiled. He didn't.
I offered him something to drink. He declined. He sat straight in his chair, not wanting to be there. His eyes focused firmly on a spot, any spot other than me.
I asked after General Martok. He started to ask about things on the station.
"No. That is not why I am here."
I started to ask why he had come, if not to visit.
"I need to know. I know she is in Sto-Vo-Kor. That should be all that matters to me."
I tried not to cry, as the part of me that loves him beyond anything I can imagine heard his pain.
"It is not all that mattered to her," he continued. "I need to know. For her sake."
He stopped. I hoped he wasn't asking what I thought he was.
"Was she peaceful before she died?"
I didn't want to lie to him.
"Did her death hurt?"
I won't lie to him.
"Worf."
It's hard for me to think about Jadzia dying. The symbiont doesn't like to remember. In fact, there are parts it doesn't remember.
"Jadzia loved you very much."
"Yes. I know that. Do not attempt to soften your words."
He tried to sound irritated, but all I could hear was his pain.
The last thing I remember is feeling the power of the orb and the thought that there was someone else in the room. At the time I thought I was sensing the wormhole aliens. The prophets.
"She was in a place of peace before she died."
There, no lies.
"She was in the temple to thank them. Because Kira had prayed for your baby."
His face still hasn't changed. He's still staring at a spot that is not me. I wonder who he sees when he looks at me?
"She was so excited. She couldn't wait for you to get back so she could share her news. That Julian had said it would be possible for her to get pregnant."
He needs to know that I am okay with dying. I am. Part of me has done it seven times. Each different, but the cut-off feeling is the same. Things just stop. Minutes or hours, I'm not sure.
"And then?"
He hadn't spoken for a while. I'm not sure how long. I could tell it took a great deal of strength for him to still be listening to me. Still questioning his belief of what happens after death.
"That's all."
He looks at me, not really understanding.
"That's all I remember."
He stands up and turns away from me.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Thank you," he says, without looking back at me. "That's what I needed to know."
And then he's gone.
I didn't lie. I didn't tell him what I suspect, though. That Jadzia was killed. That, as soon as she saw Dukat, she knew she was going to die. That whatever energy he used to kill her hurt beyond belief.
I think symbionts block out their hosts' final memories. Or maybe it's just something I do. I don't remember anything after the sensation of knowing there was someone else in the temple.
Everything else, I've found out since I've been Ezri. Or since I've been joined (I still can't figure out the distinction, where I end and I start).
He thinks he knows what he needs to know. He knows what I know, and I think that might be enough.
I don't think I could bear it if I could tell him exactly what happened.