Things To Get Arrested For In Singapore
"Did you know that it's illegal to chew gum in Singapore?"
Casey looked up from his copy. "Did I know that it's illegal to chew gum in Singapore?"
"Yeah," Dan said, sitting down at the table across from him. "Did you know that?"
"No, Dan, I did not know that," Casey said.
"Singapore's senior minister passed a law in 1992. He thought gum was too American."
Dan looked rumpled today. He was clean-shaven, but his sweatshirt was wrinkly, his hair slightly askew, and the knees of his jeans were worn to strings of fuzzy white thread. It would be almost ridiculously cute if Dan wasn't suddenly hell-bent on being unbearably annoying.
Casey stared at him irritably. "Fascinating. Have you been talking to Jeremy again?"
"Actually yes, but that's beside the point. The point is that it's illegal to chew gum in Singapore." Dan sat forward and leaned his elbows on the table. "They're pretty strict over there. In fact, I think you can get fined for not flushing a public toilet."
"And I, for one, consider that eminently reasonable legislation," Dana said as she walked through the open doorway of their office. "Casey. Dan. The 40s are long. I need you to cut 12 seconds. Think you can do that?"
"Jawohl, Herr Dana!" Dan said, saluting her.
"That would be Frau, not Herr," Casey corrected absently, boggling at Dan's foolhardiness.
Dan rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Herr Anal-Retentive."
Dana's mouth tightened into a narrow band of pink, like a stick of gum on its side. "Casey? Cut 12 seconds. Dan? My office. Now."
Dan watched her stride out of their office, hair bouncing and her high heels clicking furiously. "I'm a dead man, aren't I?"
"Oh, yeah," Casey said.
"Just checking," Dan said.
Casey was studying tape in editing when Dan breezed through the door and collapsed on the couch in an untidy sprawl of limbs.
"I'm just saying," Dan said, tucking a cushion behind his head. "It could be worse."
"What could be worse?" Casey asked despite himself, grudgingly removing his attention from the game on the monitor.
"It could be illegal to chew gum," Dan said.
Casey thought about chucking his stack of game tapes at Dan's head. "Danny, I don't care about chewing gum."
Dan snorted. "Tell that to someone who doesn't know you own stock in Juicy Fruit, Casey."
"I do not own stock in Juicy Fruit. I own stock in --"
"Wrigley," Dan interrupted, waving his hand. "Which is the company that makes Juicy Fruit, which you only added to your portfolio because of your sad, sad addiction to the gum in question."
Casey swiveled his chair around and concentrated on the monitor again. "I'm not addicted to Juicy Fruit."
"Your apartment is like a Juicy Fruit bomb shelter," Dan said.
Casey turned back around. "I have Juicy Fruit in my apartment because Charlie likes it."
Dan raised an eyebrow. "Charlie hates Juicy Fruit. He ranks it with brussel sprouts, chunky peanut butter, and all things made with tofu."
"He'll eat Tofutti," Casey said defensively.
"Only because he's too short to reach the freezer and you hide the wrappers in the bottom of the garbage can."
Casey squinted at his best friend, whose now frightening powers of recall somehow extended to RBAs, free throw percentages, and the contents of Casey's kitchen. "Don't you have something to do? Your job, for example?"
"Pfft," Dan said.
Jeremy opened the door. "Dan? Natalie's looking for you. Something about WNBA stats for the 20s."
Dan struggled his way off the man-eating couch. "I'm on it."
"Hey, Dan," Casey said.
"Yeah?"
"Why aren't you dead?"
Dan paused in the doorway. "Casey, Casey, Casey. Dana's a perfectly reasonable woman when you --"
"Danny," Casey warned.
Dan shrugged. "I groveled."
"That's it?" Casey said, more than a little annoyed, because groveling had never worked for him.
"I'm told I grovel very well."
"Dan," Jeremy prompted from the hallway.
"Gotta go," Dan said, backing out the door. "Natalie waits for no man."
Halfway through the six o'clock run down, Dan stood up at the conference table and announced, "I just want you all to know that in Singapore you can be fined for spitting in public."
"Spitting?" Elliot said as Dan sat back down.
Dave turned to Dan. "Are we talking about phlegm, or do you mean spitting something like chewing tobacco?"
A thoughtful wrinkle appeared between Dan's eyebrows. "As far as I'm aware, any and all spitting in public in the country of Singapore is punishable by fining."
"You can get fined for hacking a loogie?" Elliot demanded.
"Thanks for the gross mental image, Elliot," Natalie said from across the table.
Jeremy leaned forward and nudged his glasses into place with his index finger. "As a nation, Singapore is very concerned with public cleanliness, which is no doubt the basis for --"
Dana rapped her clipboard on the tabletop. "And this is relevant to this meeting... how, exactly?"
Dan raised his hands in supplication. "I was simply making a statement of fact. A public service announcement, if you will."
"Isn't that special," Dana said sourly.
"I'd also like to take this opportunity to make a statement of fact," Casey said. "I just want everyone to know that I am not addicted to Juicy Fruit."
"You're not," Dana said. Her eyes narrowed.
Casey nodded. "I can stop at any time."
"Sure you can," Dan said, clapping Casey on the back.
Dana made a frustrated noise in her throat. "Does anyone have anything to add that's, oh, I don't know, related to sports? Anyone?"
"The first stage is denial, my friend," Dan said. "Remember that."
Casey glared at him. "It's not an addiction; it's a preference."
Dana pointed at the door. "Get out of my conference room, all of you. Out!"
The eight o'clock run down passed without incident, and just when Casey thought he might be in the clear, Kim walked into his office and stood in front of his desk, tapping her foot impatiently.
"Yes, Kim?" Casey said.
"Dan asked me to tell you something."
Casey groaned. "He did? Would that include exactly where he's been for the last two hours while I've been writing the script?"
"No." Kim crossed her arms. "Actually, he asked me to 'impart some vital information,' but I thought that sounded pretentious."
"Okay. Hit me," Casey said, scrubbing at his face with his palms.
"Pornography's illegal in Singapore," Kim said, then turned around and started walking out of his office.
"Wait, that's it?"
Kim didn't pause. "Yep."
"Pornography's illegal. That's all?"
Kim whirled around in the doorway and struck a dramatic pose. "Isn't it enough? An entire country without porn. It must be awful!"
"And now you're laying it on a little bit too thickly," Casey said.
"It's not an act, Casey." Kim frowned and flipped her hair. "I don't think you understand how serious I am about a woman's right to own quality porn."
"Really," Casey said. And when he took a brief moment to contemplate the possible contents of Kim's porn collection, he knew his expression probably resembled a deer in the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck.
Thankfully, Kim was already halfway across the bull pen and fully distracted from her recruitment speech for the quality pornography association of America. Her voice carried through the open office door. "Dan! I told Casey! Now you owe me five dollars!"
Casey yanked open his desk drawer and unwrapped three sticks of Juicy Fruit, stuffing them into his mouth one at a time. As the heavenly sweet taste burst over his tongue, Casey narrowed his eyes and decided that he needed to get to the bottom of Danny's inexplicable Singapore fling, once and for all.
The hunt for Dan, unsurprisingly, got off to a rocky start. Casey saw neither Dan's wrinkled sweatshirt nor the messy hair on his head until the ten o'clock run down, and when it was over, Casey dragged him back to their office by way of holding onto Dan's sweatshirt and walking very quickly. Once inside, Dan leaned back against the wall and pushed his hands into the back pockets of his jeans.
"What's with the caveman routine?" Dan asked.
"Oh, no," Casey said. "It's my turn to ask questions. Why are you suddenly obsessed with Singapore?"
"I'm not obsessed with Singapore. It's a metaphor. Or maybe a theme. Possibly a trope."
"And yet I still don't have the answer to my question," Casey said. "So I'll ask another one. Why did Dana let you live?"
Dan shrugged. "I just explained that my joke was in poor taste, but I had the very best of intentions."
"And those intentions were?"
"Your Mets feature got dropped so we could do another piece on John Rocker, who is, we all agree, a big honking doofus." "So?" Casey prompted.
"So? You've been angling for that feature for weeks, Casey. You were fuming about it all afternoon!" Dan said.
"I wasn't fuming," Casey scoffed. "I was mildly perturbed."
"You were fuming. There was an abundance of fume."
Casey sighed. "Fine. Whatever. What does that have to do with Singapore?"
"Nothing," Dan said. "Except that it could be illegal to chew gum."
"It could," Casey said, stepping closer. His loafers bumped against the toes of Dan's sneakers.
"And I know how much you like gum, Casey," Dan said seriously.
Casey leaned closer and put his hands on the wall on either side of Dan's head. "Wait, so let me get this straight. You spent all day trying to cheer me up?"
Dan looked contemplative, his lower lip pushing out. "Well, all day minus the time I spent writing my half of tonight's script."
"Danny, I wrote half of your half of tonight's script."
Dan blinked. "Oh. Did I write your half?"
"No, I also wrote my half. My half plus half of your half means you barely wrote a damn thing today," Casey said.
"Oh." Dan didn't even remotely look contrite. "Bet that kept you occupied, huh?"
"Danny --"
"What? It's difficult to fume when you're busy."
"You've been driving me nuts!" Casey exclaimed.
"Yeah, but you haven't thought about the feature, have you?" Dan asked.
Casey had to admit he was right. "No, not since Singapore."
Dan grinned at him, and Casey smiled back at the cute, rumpled guy who knew what his kid liked to eat.
"But for the record, I'm still not addicted to --"
Dan closed the inches that separated them and pressed his mouth to Casey's, and it wasn't as startling as it should have been. Dan's lips were smooth and warm, and when Casey leaned into him a little more, Dan pushed his tongue into Casey's mouth. For a moment, the kiss was soft and almost sweet, and then Casey tilted his head and stroked his tongue into Dan's mouth, and things went a little crazy.
Casey's hands cupped Dan's face, and Dan slid his fingers into the back pockets of Casey's pants. Dan's nose pressed into his cheek and their hips bumped together, and the kiss turned wet, deep, and breathless. Dan sucked on his tongue and then bit Casey's lower lip, and when Casey pulled back to suck in a deep breath, his mouth was buzzing and his heart was beating a little too fast.
"Huh," Dan said. He licked his lips slowly. "You taste like Juicy Fruit."
And Casey just had to kiss him again. He was pleased to note that Dan's eyes were a little glazed when he was done.
"You know," Dan said. His voice was thick and he had to clear his throat. "I think that's probably illegal in Singapore, too."
"Things could be worse," Casey agreed.