Two Weaknesses
"Girls smell nice. They're soft, warm and willing," Sirius announces to anyone who's listening. At the moment, Lily is the only one. James and Peter are endangering everyone in the pub by playing darts, and Remus is busy chatting with Alice Arbuckle, which makes Lily smile, since her whole purpose in coming out this evening was to bring Alice and Remus together.
Girls are all too willing, in Sirius Black's case, Lily thinks indulgently. She understands why -- he is witty, charming and almost too good-looking to stand. Certainly too attractive for his own good, and all too aware of it.
Since they've left school, there are more girls than ever at Sirius's beck and call.
"Any girl in particular?" she asks, taking a sip of her gin and tonic.
He shrugs, but she notices his eyes keep returning to Alice. Which is odd. That's not to say Alice isn't pretty; with her long, blonde hair ironed straight, her cheeks flushed pink under Remus's attention and her lips curved in a grin, she's quite attractive. She's just not the kind of girl Sirius usually pays any mind to. Sirius tends to like them showy, with big breasts, long legs and perfect hair.
Remus disentangles himself from the conversation with Alice, flashes Lily a smile, and heads to the loo. Sirius slides over next to Alice, who looks flustered at finding herself so close to the infamous Sirius Black.
"Hello, darling," he drawls, putting an arm across the back of the booth, one long-fingered hand toying with a lock of Alice's hair.
"Hello," she replies breathlessly.
The rest of their conversation is lost to Lily as Sirius leans in and begins whispering in Alice's ear. She can only imagine what he's saying, though Alice's face is an open book -- her blush brightens, her eyes widen, and her hands flutter nervously when she answers, until Sirius takes them in his and brings first one, then the other to his lips.
By the time Remus comes back, Sirius has Alice pressed to the back of the booth, his tongue in her mouth.
Lily swears she sees a flash of hurt and regret on Remus's face before his thin lips curve into a wry smile.
She kicks Sirius under the table and he jumps, startled, his eyes automatically seeking Remus's. In his face, too, she sees something she can't quite identify before his usual insouciance takes over.
"Sorry, mate," he says jovially, and Remus laughs.
Alice blushes again. Earlier in the evening, Lily had found it charming. Now she thinks it's coy and affected; Alice is obviously not as clever as Lily thought she was, if she's so easily taken in by Sirius's allure, and so willing to be rude to Remus.
"I should be going," Alice says, glancing between the two men, and Remus inclines his head.
"I'll see you home," Sirius says, after a long moment during which he and Remus do nothing but stare at each other.
Even as Sirius escorts Alice out of the pub, his hand on her elbow, he turns back more than once, as if to make sure he still has Remus's attention. Remus stares back over the rim of his pint, smile gone now.
"I don't know how you put up with him," Lily snaps, and he starts, as if he's forgot she's there.
"Oh," he gestures vaguely with the hand not holding the glass, "that's just Sirius."
Later, when they are getting ready for bed, James gives her the same answer -- Sirius is just being himself. But when it happens again the next week -- when Sirius goes home with a girl who began the evening chatting up Remus -- Lily knows something else is going on.
The week after, they are once again sitting in the Fwooper's Nest after the Order meeting, though this time, James and Peter are playing snooker with two of their former classmates, and Letitia Montague is sitting so close to Remus she may as well be in his lap. They talk animatedly about her new job translating ancient manuscripts, Remus's face lit up with interest in a way that makes Lily's chest hurt, because he shouldn't be alone, and Letty would be good for him. Sirius stares at them sullenly and contributes nothing to the conversation but the occasional rude comment. He ignores every other girl in the place, even the ones who come over to chat him up.
"Next round's on me," Remus says, standing and stretching. He doesn't appear to be at all put out by Sirius's unsociable behavior. Lily supposes he's used to it, but she doesn't think she'll ever be.
Sirius reaches into his pocket. "I think it's my turn--"
"I've got it."
"Remus--"
"It's my shout," Remus says, chin raised, daring Sirius to challenge him.
Remus doesn't have much money, but he is more than willing to share whatever he has when he has it; he's adamant about it, and the others usually give in, though James and Sirius have an elaborate system of making sure he always walks out with almost as much money as he came in with. Lily doesn't understand quite how it works, but she's eagerly kicked in her share since she and James have been together.
Sirius backs down for the moment, though Lily can tell he's had too much to drink already, and if they're not careful, she and James will wake to find Sirius passed out on their bathroom floor. A year out of school, and in his own flat for almost two, Sirius still seems to associate 'home' with James, and even while sober, always has to pause before giving his own address. Drunk, he always ends up at their place, especially after going home with someone else.
She thinks it must be lonely, being Sirius Black, but wouldn't offer pity, even if he'd accept it.
"So you're working at the British Museum," Sirius says to Letitia, settling an arm around her shoulders, which she shrugs off.
"Yes."
"That must be exciting."
"Not really." Letty's distaste is palpable, and Lily feels like cheering. Finally, someone else who isn't completely smitten with Sirius. She'd begun to think she was the only one.
"You and Remus certainly had a lot to talk about."
"Sirius, why don't you see how James and Peter are doing?" Lily interrupts.
He ignores her and leans forward, whispering something into Letty's ear that causes her to dash her drink in his face.
Remus returns as Letty is struggling to escape from the booth. In addition to some very fine whisky, Sirius wears a satisfied smirk that Lily longs to wipe off his face. Remus, on the other hand, looks tense, wary.
"I'm sorry, Letitia. For whatever Sirius has said."
Letitia glares at him. "Pervert," she says before storming out.
Sirius laughs delightedly, but Remus sighs and sits down heavily.
Lily grabs Sirius's arm, cutting off his laughter, and drags him out into the cool night air.
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Black?" she snarls at him.
"Mind your own business, Evans," he replies, and his eyes glitter strangely in the dim glow of the street lamp, his face still damp from Letty's drink.
The others spill out of the pub, watching them curiously.
"Lily. Sirius." James wraps an arm around her waist, pulling her against him. "What's going on?"
"He's an arrogant berk," she spits out and the boys all laugh.
"That's nothing new," James reminds her.
"It's okay, Lily," Remus says gently, tugging on a lock of her hair. "I'm used to it."
"But Letty--"
Remus turns to Sirius. "What did you say to her?"
"Told her you were only talking to her because you wanted a threesome with her and that other bint she's always hanging around with -- wossname, Cassie something-or-other."
Lily breaks free of James and shoves Sirius hard, but the others are laughing. Remus is actually doubled over, one arm wrapped around his stomach, the other pressed to the brick wall of the pub to keep him upright.
"I don't understand. Letty is a nice girl--"
"I'll explain later," James says and rushes her home as if she's the one who's just ruined Remus's chance at a shag.
"Well?" she asks when they are curled up in bed and James seems to have forgotten about it.
"Well what?"
"What was so funny about Sirius being mean to Letty? Why is he always stealing away the girls who fancy Remus?"
"If Sirius can steal them away so easily, then they mustn't actually fancy Remus that much," James answers reasonably, tracing lazy circles on her arm.
"That's not the point." She's ready to tear her hair out in frustration at them. She knew when she agreed to marry James that she was getting Sirius along with him, and Remus and Peter as well, but she doesn't understand, sometimes, how they can be so sweet one minute and so awful the next, even though she's known them for eight years now.
"Then what, my dear soon-to-be Mrs. Potter, is the point?"
"The point, my not-so-dear Mr. Potter, is that Remus deserves a girl who loves him, who can make him happy! He's so alone all the time, and--"
"Ah." And there it is, the expression James gets on his face when he thinks no one is looking, the one that makes her melt every time, because it's just so warm and full of love for her, for his friends. "Well."
"Letty is a perfectly lovely girl. And she and Remus were getting on like a house afire. But then Sirius had to open his mouth and ruin everything."
James laughs. "That's Sirius in a nutshell."
"But why? Remus likes her. I can tell."
"He doesn't mind."
But Lily is determined to figure this out. "There was Alice Arbuckle and Felicia Foster. And Honoria Watson-Holmes, that night at the Three Broomsticks. They all started out chatting up Remus and all went home with Sirius. How could Remus not mind? How is he ever going to shag anyone if Sirius keeps interfering?"
"I think that's Remus's business, Lily, not yours." James wears a closed-off, secretive look now, one she recalls well from their days at school, mornings after the full moon. But she's already aware of Remus's secret -- he told her himself one night just after she and James announced their engagement.
"Shouldn't like you to think your fiancé and I are having it off behind your back," he'd said, and in a wry, self-deprecating voice, told her he was a werewolf, and he'd understand if she wanted him to stop hanging around.
She'd told him to stop being so dramatic; of course she wanted him around. Who else would help her keep James and Sirius in line? Peter was no use.
After that, even Sirius seemed easier around her, finally accepting her into their circle.
But now, Lily notes the pronoun James uses, knows he's excluding her from their secrets again. She's not sure if it's deliberate, and thinks it may hurt even more if it isn't. "But it is yours?"
"It's-- Remus is-- He's just not fussed about it, and neither should you be."
"But Letty could have been the one."
"The one?" James brushes a hand through his hair and blinks at her owlishly.
"You need to clean your glasses. And yes, the one! Like you're the one for me. And I for you."
He kisses her, his classic distraction technique, but she refuses to be distracted.
"He really liked Letty."
"Yes, he liked her, but he's not interested in shagging her, unless she's packing a surprise in her knickers."
"James! What--" He looks at her expectantly, and it slowly makes sense. "Remus is gay?"
"Got it in one. Clever girl."
She wants to smack him for his patronizing tone. "But-- Sex-- Boys--"
"Exactly." He snickers and she rolls her eyes.
"I don't understand."
"When a boy shags another boy--"
This time, she does swat him on the arm. "That's not what I mean, and you know it. Why does Sirius--"
He cuts her off with another kiss, but she pulls away and raises an eyebrow. He sighs. "Why does Sirius do anything? Why does the sun rise in the east? Will the Chudley Cannons ever have another winning season? These are questions for the ages, Lily."
"James--"
"Just let it be," he says, sobering abruptly. "It's best not to interfere."
And for the moment, Lily has to be content with that.
The war intrudes on their lives more and more, with less time for socializing than ever, but they manage to keep their weekly nights out intact for a while.
Peter entertains them with rude impressions of Filch until Remus and Sirius begin arguing some obscure point of Quidditch strategy. James has been amorous all evening, but he occasionally breaks off from kissing her to call them all wankers and correct their faulty recollection of matches that took place before they were born. There is no one else infringing on their circle and Lily can see why they prefer it this way. Girls hover on the periphery, but Sirius has bent the full force of his personality on Remus and Remus glows under the attention, his eyes brighter, his shoulders straighter, his smile wider. They lean into each other comfortably, as if there is no place they'd rather be.
And Lily understands, suddenly, the odd flashes of hurt and disappointment on Remus's face whenever Sirius goes home with a girl. Her chest tightens and she finds it hard to breathe for a moment.
James notices something and shoots a questioning glance her way, but she just bites her lip and shakes her head.
He's right, she thinks. It isn't her place to get involved. It can only end badly. She's come to appreciate Sirius, to think of him as a friend and almost-brother, because of his fierce attachment to James, and James to him. She admires his loyalty to Remus and Peter; along with James, he considers them his true family. But she can see only heartbreak in the future for anyone who wants more than friendship or a quick fuck from Sirius. And that's not even taking into account that she's never seen Sirius with a bloke; he likes girls, and as he's quite fond of pointing out, they like him.
"Lily? Are you with us?" Sirius asks, poking her arm.
"Oh. Yes. What?"
"Up for another round?" Remus says, rising. "I'm on my way to the bar."
She drinks the last of her gin and tonic and smiles. "Yes, please. And it's my shout this time, I believe," she replies, digging into her purse for her wallet. He opens his mouth to protest but she smiles. "You wouldn't like to disappoint a lady, would you, Remus?"
He shakes his head and laughs, but before he can speak, Sirius says, "You're lucky he's such a soft touch. I wouldn't be swayed by such old-fashioned notions."
"Of course you wouldn't, you minger," Remus answers, thwapping him lightly on the back of the head. "But no one expects a mangy mutt like you to have any manners."
Sirius straightens out of his habitual slouch in mock outrage. "I am not mangy."
"I don't know," Peter says, trying hard not to laugh. "Last time I saw you, you smelled like you'd been dead in a ditch for three days."
"Maybe I was dead in a ditch for three days. How do you know I wasn't? Would you mourn me, Peter?" Sirius spins out nonsense like spiders spin silk, and Lily tunes him out because what James is doing with his tongue in her ear is ever so much more interesting.
It is Sirius's abrupt silence and the thunk of his pint glass hitting the table just a bit too hard that jolts her out of the pleasant reverie into which James's kisses and touches have lulled her.
Sirius is staring at something behind her, and she realizes it's been a while since Remus left the table. She turns to see him with his elbows on the bar, waiting for their drinks; Caradoc Dearborn is beside him, whispering in his ear, one hand on Remus's shoulder, the other resting on the small of his back. It is an intimate pose, and Remus seems familiar with it, though she knows he isn't one for being touchy-feely outside their little group, and sometimes not even within.
Remus laughs and turns his back to them, leaning into Caradoc, and even over the music and the noise of people drinking and having a good time, Lily can hear the hiss of Sirius's breath as he exhales, as if he's deflating.
His face is inscrutable, blank, nothing like the open Sirius she's become used to in the past year or so. He looks like the haughty scion of the House of Black, and it sends a chill down her spine.
James pulls her tight against him, nosing at her neck, and she watches as Caradoc leaves with a rather large smile on his face.
Remus swoops down upon them, bearing drinks, and says, "I'm off." He drops a kiss on Lily's forehead, claps James and Peter on the shoulder, and doesn't look at Sirius. "I'll see you lot next Friday, if not before, all right?"
And Remus follows Caradoc out the door. Oh, they've timed it well, no one who wasn't already paying attention would notice, she thinks, but the implication is clear. Caradoc is a good bloke -- he was a few years ahead of them at school, and is related to James somehow, though she never can keep straight the twisted genealogies of the old wizarding families. He will be good to Remus.
The sound of all the glasses on the table rattling makes her jump. Sirius is standing, cursing because he's barked his knees on the table. His smile is tight and his voice sharp when he says, "Sorry. Just remembered I have an early-morning appointment tomorrow." He tosses some money on the table and Disapparates with a crack.
Peter and James exchange glances, but they don't say anything, and she really doesn't feel like pointing out how spoiled Sirius is, and how childish. And anyway, she's sure they already know.
When she stumbles out of bed the next morning, she finds Sirius lying on the sofa, staring blindly at the ceiling. She's a little surprised to see him, since he left the pub alone last night, more in a mood for a fight than a shag, and he most often ends up on their couch after having gone home with a girl he doesn't want to wake up next to.
As far as she knows, there's never been a girl he has wanted to wake up next to.
"Your early morning appointment was with our sofa?" she says, still a little fuzzy from sleep and three gin and tonics last night.
"Shut up, Lily." His voice is hoarse, and he doesn't sound at all well.
"If you're going to be sick, use the toilet," she answers tartly, in no mood for him at this hour.
He swings his legs over, sits up, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. "I said, shut up." He raises his head and his eyes are bloodshot and swollen.
She sits down on the couch next to him, wraps an arm around his shoulders, and to her surprise, he lets her.
"What's wrong?"
He laughs bitterly, and for the first time since she's known him, Sirius Black sounds fragile and looks lost. "Nothing a little hair of the dog won't fix."
"Sirius--"
He shrugs her off, gets up. "Just forget it." He jerks open the blinds and stares out the window.
"Last night was fun," she says slowly.
"Was it?"
"Until you left in a snit--"
"You mean, until Remus left with--" he stops.
"Caradoc is a good man," she says reasonably, not even pretending not to know. "He's --"
"Not good enough for Moony."
And Lily suddenly understands why Sirius is here on her couch at six am.
It's her turn to laugh, at the utter simplicity of it, and the complete mess they've managed to make. Boys. She ignores the voice in the back of her head, the one that sounds suspiciously like James, telling her it's none of her business.
"Oi, Evans, it's not funny."
"Oi, Black, it really is. You're a bloody tosser, but because I like you, and more importantly, I like Remus--"
"Lily." James is standing in the doorway, his hair a mess and his glasses, as always, in need of a good cleaning.
She goes over to him, gives him a good morning kiss, and thinks about how much she loves him, and how terrible it would be if she'd never given him a chance, even though she'd resisted for years, and had been skeptical even after she'd finally given in.
All Remus and Sirius need is that same chance, and she can give it to them.
"Sirius," she starts, but James's hand tightens on her arm, and he cuts her off.
"You look like shit, mate."
"You always say the nicest things, James." But Sirius looks better than he did a few moments ago; his eyes aren't so desperate and he manages a genuine smile. "No wonder it took you six years to pull Lily."
They continue bantering as Sirius cooks breakfast, and until she's had her first cup of tea, she's content to let them. She's always a little surprised at how handy Sirius is in the kitchen, but then, she supposes he's had to learn.
However, when Sirius lingers over his coffee, doing the crossword in the Prophet, and James cuts her off every time she tries to steer the conversation back to Remus, she gets frustrated. She can help, if they'll let her, but they're being stupid men with their stupid manly stoicism, and it's just not on, not when she knows she's right.
Finally, fed up with the both of them, she says, "Mum and Petunia may be by in a bit, to discuss decorations for the wedding. I'm sure they'll be quite interested in your ideas, Sirius."
James groans. Sirius blanches and mumbles something about meeting his cousin Andromeda for lunch, and leaves without even saying goodbye.
Lily rounds on James as soon as she's sure Sirius is gone.
"What the hell was that about, Potter? I'm not even allowed to speak anymore?"
"I told you to leave it be, Lily," he replies, but he sounds tired and sad. Her anger dissolves into puzzlement.
"Why? It's obvious something is wrong, and it's tearing him up. Not to mention what it's doing to Remus--"
James takes his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose. His eyes are soft, unfocused, and she knows he's not even seeing her. "Back in sixth year, Sirius played a-- a trick -- Let's just say it wasn't the brightest thing he's ever done, and it could have got Remus in a lot of trouble. They barely spoke for weeks. Eventually, Remus forgave him, because Remus has always been-- Remus is--"
"Remus in love with Sirius," she says softly.
He nods, runs a hand through his unruly hair. "Yes. Sirius is-- he's--"
"Sirius."
"Right. Can be hard to resist, you know? And he's always had this thing -- it was his idea, becoming Animagi, you know. Mostly to prove we could do it, because no one our age had ever done it before, but it was also-- Sirius would -- will -- do anything for his friends, and sometimes, when it comes to Remus, he goes a little too far, is a little too protective --"
"And very, very jealous."
"Yes. He doesn't like it when other people play with his toys."
"Remus is not a toy. And he doesn't belong to Sirius!"
"Which is what Remus always says." James sighs. "You have to understand. Afterward, Sirius would have done anything -- anything -- Remus wanted, to get Remus to forgive him. But Remus -- he didn't seem to want anything. I reckon if there'd been some way for Sirius to undo what he'd done-- but there wasn't, and there you are."
"They obviously patched it up, though," she prompts when he doesn't continue.
"Eventually. Remus doesn't like being on the outs. And Sirius did all sorts of things, none of which really mattered in the end. But the one thing-- He always knows when someone fancies him, Sirius does. He has -- what do Muggles call it? Gaydar?"
Lily chokes. "Radar."
"Right. That. So he knew Remus was, I mean, we all knew, that Remus wanted him. And he offered to--"
"He didn't," Lily gasps, then presses her fingers to her lips, as if she can take it back.
James nods grimly. "I'm afraid he did. And you know how he is. And more importantly, Remus knows."
"He, they didn't--"
"No. But I think on top of what Sirius had already done-- Remus hates being pitied more than anything."
"So you don't think Sirius is in love with Remus?"
He snorts. "Don't be daft, Lily. Sirius is my best friend and I love him like the brother I never had, but he's insanely jealous. He hated you forever, if you recall, and he's not in love with me."
"That's true," she says slowly, but she knows what she saw in Sirius's eyes this morning. "But--"
"Lily, please. Getting involved will only lead to hurt feelings all around. Sirius doesn't take rejection well, and Remus -- I don't want to see him hurt again. He and Caradoc appear to be," he gestures vaguely, "happy."
"But--"
"I don't want to lose my friends." His voice cracks and her eyes sting at the sound. "We're in the middle of a war, even if nobody's calling it that, and I don't want to lose them over something stupid, like who's shagging whom. We've more important things to worry about." He grabs her hand and holds it tightly before pulling her into a smothering embrace. His lips against her hair, he murmurs, "Lily, please."
And there's nothing she can say to that, because she loves him, and wants him to be happy.
Still, she wants his friends to be happy as well, to find what little joy they can as their days are taken up more and more with Order missions, and nights free of the Dark Mark hovering in the air are dwindling.
The morning after the next full moon, James and Sirius bring an unconscious Remus to her before Disapparating off at Moody's command. They are grim-faced and silent, and she doesn't question; they all have jobs to do, and this morning, hers is looking after Remus.
She fixes his bandages, and waits for the healing salves to do their work as he sleeps, and wonders yet again how he's managed to remain free of bitterness at what life has dealt him.
When he wakes, she has tea and toast ready, for which he is exceedingly grateful, and she feeds him and fluffs his pillows the way Pomfrey used to at school.
"Lily, please," he says, embarrassed at her fussing. "I'm not ill. Only tired and sore." He attempts to rise and falls back against the pillows with a small groan.
"You need someone to take care of you," she replies without thinking.
"I have you and James and Sirius and Peter."
"I mean--"
"I know what you mean. And I--" he stops and looks away, and she wonders if he and Caradoc are becoming serious. "Thank you," he says finally, taking her hand and smiling.
He has a beautiful smile.
"I had a terrible crush on you fifth year. But you never noticed," she confesses. Remus is not conventionally handsome, and he will never turn heads, but even now, his smile makes her melt just a little.
"Oh, I noticed, all right. Was completely chuffed about it, too, until I realized James would have killed me if he'd found out," he says, laughing. "Seemed safer to be oblivious. After all, he'd had his eye on you since he stopped thinking girls were manky."
"So you didn't know--" she stops, blushing. She was friendly with Remus even before she and James got together, but he's always been reserved, and she's not sure she's supposed to know about his love life.
"What? Oh, that I fancied blokes?" He shrugs and takes a sip of tea. "I had some idea, but already being different... It didn't seem worth getting my knickers in a twist over."
"And Sirius?"
He bites his lip, then, "What about Sirius?"
"Is he worth getting your knickers in a twist?" she asks slyly.
"If you listen to him tell it," he answers with a forced laugh.
"Remus--" She squeezes his hand, unsure of what to say, but he seems to understand.
"How did you-- Is it that obvious?" He raises an eyebrow but doesn't seem surprised that she knows. Cultivating a reputation for omniscience was one of her cleverer ideas, and they admit to things much more readily, believing she already knows.
"No. Well, only if you know what you're looking for. And I do."
He sighs. "Of course."
"You deserve--" She grunts, frustrated at not being able to tell him. "Sirius is-- Oh, you know."
"Yes," he says dryly. "I know how Sirius is. Better than almost anyone, I should think. And I've never been much of an optimist. But sometimes, especially with the way things are lately, I wonder if I'm wrong, if I should give him a chance. It might be worth it." He laughs again, bitterly. "You can see my dilemma." She nods, saying nothing, hoping he'll keep talking. "He's very persuasive. It'd be so easy to give in, so much simpler than always saying no. So much less tiring. But I-- I don't think I could bear losing his friendship, and James and Peter's, if I'm right."
"You wouldn't--" she starts, but he cuts her off.
"Yes, I would. James is one of my best friends, but if it came down to choosing between me and Sirius..."
She has to swallow and look away, unexpected tears stinging her eyes, because she knows he's right.
He shakes himself. "Enough of this." He doesn't let go of her hand, though, and she holds on just as tightly. "You need to invest in a television, so I can keep up with my programmes while I'm lazing about."
"Wanker."
"Wench," he answers affectionately. "Bring me more tea."
She rises, and bobs a little curtsey, which makes him laugh. "And would master like some chocolate?"
"Of course."
His smile is genuine, though his eyes are sad, and she wonders if she can fix this for him, if anyone can. With everything going wrong in the world right now, surely she can help two of the people she loves, even if they don't seem to want the help.
Two weeks later, she arrives first at their meeting place -- a Muggle pub in Cambridge that caters mostly to students. Remus works there, and James and Sirius enjoy seeing how the other half live.
"Everybody switches off shifts, so no one really notices," he says, smiling, when she congratulates him on holding a job for three months. She can't help but smile back. He's had a hard time finding and keeping work; no one in the wizarding world wants to employ a werewolf, and no one's worked harder or deserves good luck more than Remus.
"Well, make sure you're off for the wedding."
"Already taken care of."
She sips her gin and tonic, and says, "So will you and Caradoc be coming together?"
His smile fades for a moment, and when it returns, there's a false, forced quality to it. "No."
"I thought you two were--"
"We were, but now we're not." His lips twist in a mockery of the smile he'd just worn. "I have too many secrets, and it just seems... safer not to bandy them about." He gestures with a glass and she knows that being gay would cause Remus almost as much trouble at this job as being a werewolf would in a wizarding pub.
"Eventually, you're going to have to tell someone," she begins, only to be interrupted by one Sirius Black sliding up next to her at the bar.
"Tell someone what?"
"About my monthlies," Remus says, and his smile is genuine again, though not as wide as before. He fills a pint with Guinness and sets it in front of Sirius, who fumbles in his pockets for a moment before coming up with a handful of Muggle money, which he drops on the bar. Remus counts out what he needs and pushes the rest back, but Sirius ignores it.
"Don't see why," he replies after taking a sip of stout. "None of their business. Nosy buggers."
Remus gives a wry little laugh. "It seems only fair to inform the person I'm buggering that once a month I turn into a ravening beast, and I don't mean metaphorically."
Sirius's jaw tightens. "You already have someone who knows--" he says impatiently.
Remus looks around anxiously. "Sirius, please don't."
Lily lays a hand on Sirius's arm, and can feel the tension in it. He doesn't seem to notice. They've forgotten she's there.
"I wish you would--"
"And I wish you wouldn't," Remus snaps before Sirius can finish what he was going to say.
"Fine." Sirius takes a long drink from his glass, turns his back to Remus, and casts his gaze over the people in the pub.
"I think Caradoc would understand," Lily finally ventures.
"Bugger Caradoc," Sirius says nastily, glancing over his shoulder at Remus. "Oh wait, you already are."
"Were," Lily whispers as Remus is called down the bar by other patrons.
"What?"
"The thing with Caradoc is over."
"That bastard." The hand that isn't holding his pint clenches into a fist. "I'll kill him. Doesn't he know Moony is--"
"Remus broke it off."
Sirius isn't listening. "--best thing that ever happened to him, the wanker. What?" Sirius cocks his head, her words finally sinking in.
"Sirius." His protectiveness would be endearing if she didn't know how much trouble it, coupled with his jealousy and overly inventive brain, could cause. "Work with me here, all right?"
He turns back around, and the pain in his eyes makes her want to hug him. She quashes the impulse as he says, "Lily--"
"I know," she assures him. "I know."
"James?"
"Thinks I should stay out of it." She decides not to mention James's doubts about Sirius's sincerity or the true depth of his feelings for Remus.
"Well, you couldn't make it worse than it already is," Sirius says glumly, draining his glass and setting it down on the bar.
Remus appears, taking the glass and refilling it. "What couldn't be worse?"
"Those monkey suits Lily's making us wear," Sirius answers, as if that's what they've been talking about all along. She knows, of course, what an able conspirator he is -- all of them are -- but it is still thrilling sometimes to be included. She thinks this heady feeling of belonging, of sharing something no one else knows, may be why Remus and Peter, not naturally troublesome boys, adapted so easily to the life of juvenile delinquency James and Sirius led them into.
"You're wrong, Sirius. It could be ever so much worse," Lily says with a smile. "You could be wearing the powder blue monstrosities James picked out before I put my foot down."
Remus shudders delicately at the words 'powder blue' and Sirius says, "With those naff ruffly shirts?"
Lily nods and sips her drink. She leans against Sirius companionably. "Who are you bringing to the wedding?"
Sirius looks at Remus, and she can feel the heat arcing between them.
"No one," Sirius says, ostensibly to her, but he is totally focused on Remus, and now that she sees it, feels it, she wonders how she never saw it before. The air is thick with want between them, humming like a summer evening before a thunderstorm, prickling at her skin and making the hair on her arms stand up. She finds it hard to breathe, and remembers being the object of James's unwavering attention, and knows Remus won't be able to resist forever. She certainly couldn't.
"Thought the groomsmen should just go stag," Sirius continues.
Remus smiles at the pun, though his eyes are wary.
"I think that's a very good idea," she says. "You'll have to dance with Petunia, of course, and deal with her jealous fiancé, but I'm sure that's no trouble at all."
Sirius shudders. "The things I do for you, Evans."
"Consider it the final payment for years of irritation," she replies cheerfully.
"Are you sure you weren't meant to be Slytherin?" Remus asks with a grin.
"Remus!"
"Too pretty to be a snake," Sirius asserts, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her snug against him as she giggles.
"Oi! Stop manhandling my fiancée," James shouts, joining them, "You're not supposed to be copping a feel off the bride!"
"Well, I am the best man," Sirius replies, leering at Lily.
"You know, I may have to rethink that," James says, dropping money on the bar as Remus places a pint of Guinness in front of him. "Remus, mate, how do you feel about being best man?"
"Hey!" Sirius exclaims.
"I'd have to dance with Petunia?" Remus asks at the same time.
Lily nods firmly. "Yes."
Remus pulls a sad face. "Sorry, Prongs, I don't think I can."
"Well, Sirius, looks like I'm stuck with you then."
"You're just going to abandon me to the clutches of that, that--"
"Wet blanket?" Remus suggests before Sirius can say something truly offensive.
"And her great oaf of a boyfriend," Lily reminds him, and then takes a sip of her drink. She and Petunia haven't got on well in years, but she still thinks Petunia could do better than Vernon Dursley, who may be the most disagreeable person she's met, excluding a select few former schoolmates.
"Hmph. I see what you lot truly think of me," Sirius says with a pout, and they all laugh.
When they leave, Sirius loudly thanks Remus for the good service. Remus flushes, but there's nothing he can say with the other patrons and his boss looking on, and Sirius smiles smugly.
Another week passes, and they are together again at the Fwooper's Nest. The wedding is in a week, and though no one has said anything, Lily thinks they're all afraid things are going to change, and they are planning one last hurrah, one last bit of mischief, for tonight. She insisted on joining them for the drinking portion of the evening and has threatened to come along to the strip club she's not supposed to know they're taking him to afterward, and James knows her well enough to know she might actually mean it. She smiles around the rim of her glass and plays footsie with him under the table. She adds this night to the treasury of memories she's keeping, because the war is coming ever closer, and they're all spending more time apart.
Various Order members have been dropping by all evening to raise a pint in their honor, and Sirius goes still when Caradoc Dearborn joins the party. Caradoc and Remus nod politely at each other, but Remus finishes two drinks in quick succession and orders a third, and Sirius doesn't relax.
Lily starts to worry.
She's on her way back from the loo when she sees them, and her stomach drops. Caradoc is leaning against the wall outside the men's room and Sirius has one hand on his shoulder.
'What are you doing?' she thinks desperately, sidling closer. His self-destructive streak is going to ruin everything.
"Listen, mate," Sirius is saying. "I don't know what Lupin told you, but you really should give it another go with him."
Caradoc raises a skeptical eyebrow. "Is this some sort of joke?"
"No. No joke." Sirius's face is grim, his jaw set. "You were, you were making him happy, and he deserves that. Doesn't have much to make him happy, our Moony. Merlin knows, I can't seem to do it. But you--" Sirius seems to lose the thread of the conversation, but Lily knows he's not a usually maudlin drunk. His eyes are clear and sad, his words not slurred. "He's the best thing that ever happened to me-- to you, I mean. Of course. To you."
Caradoc's face twists in distaste. "You're drunk."
"Maybe," Sirius says, and there's desperation in his smile and his voice. "But I'm also right."
She's distracted by a hand at her waist and another that covers her mouth before she can say anything to reveal her presence. She turns to find a bewildered Remus staring down at her.
He shakes his head and says, voice cracking, "He can't--" Sirius and Caradoc look up, spotting them. Remus looks at Sirius, tries again. "You just can't--"
"Can't what? Make you happy? Fuck, Remus. Do you think I don't know that? Do you have to keep saying it?"
Caradoc pushes past, muttering, "Nutters, all of you." He doesn't look back.
Sirius and Remus ignore him; Lily just sidles back against the wall to watch, and they ignore her, too.
"Sirius, I--"
"Don't want my pity. I know. You don't believe me when I say--"
"Sirius, shut up." Remus's voice takes on a note of command and Sirius shuts up for a moment as Remus grabs his shirtfront and pulls him closer.
Sirius has never been one to keep quiet for long, though, and he sounds uncertain when he says, "Remus?" but he offers no resistance. In fact, he reaches out a tentative hand and touches Remus's shoulder.
"Pillock," Remus murmurs affectionately, and leans in to press his lips to Sirius's.
Lily can barely conceal her glee; she covers her mouth with one hand to make sure she's not actually squeaking. She has to tell James. They're occupied and don't break the kiss when she scurries by.
"James, the most marvelous thing--"
"Glad you're back," he says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Remus and Sirius both went to take a piss and got lost. Think there's a ghoul in the bog?"
"Not a ghoul." She smiles and bounces in her seat.
"Oh no, I know that look," he answers, cupping her chin. "What've you done?"
"I'll have you know I didn't do anything. But I think your stag night's been canceled. Remus and Sirius are snogging by the men's room."
"Snogging?"
She nods enthusiastically. "And groping. I'm sure I saw Remus's hands--"
"That's enough," he says, laughing. "I don't need to know." She swats him lightly, and he sobers just a bit. "If it all falls apart, I'm blaming you." And she remembers his misgivings, about them and about her becoming involved in their business.
She pouts in response and leans in to brush her lips over his. He threads a hand through her hair, holding her close and deepening the kiss, his tongue sliding over hers in a way that never fails to make her shiver with need.
"We could go home and do a little groping of our own," she says when he breaks the kiss, sliding a hand up his thigh suggestively.
"What about Peter?"
"He can find someone of his own to grope."
"So you're finished matchmaking for my friends?"
"Well, there is that nice Dorcas Meadowes," she says thoughtfully and he laughs.
"Forget I said anything."
On their way out, they see Peter making out with Dorcas Meadowes.
"I don't think Peter will miss us," she says, laughing. She leans into James, enjoying the feel of his body pressed against hers. "We'll get all the gory details in the morning."
They stumble out into the warm night air, and Lily dares to hope that everything will turn out all right.