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It Should Have Been Different
by EV
I can't help thinking, it should have been different.
She shouldn't be going to the dance with him, smiling like she won the
lottery.
I should have never gone to that office, never. Not just that day, I should
have never gone by those many months ago. But then I never would have heard
my mothers voice. And to be honest, I was always drawn to her, though I
never knew why. So confused. . .
Not really friends, not really enemies, and what are we now that we've
kissed, now that my lips have touched her lips, now that my lips have
touched...more intimate places.
It should have walked down a different hall that day, but I traveled the
hallway nearest the "Torch" for a reason -- an excuse say hello, to come
inside, to share a moment of pointless conversation.
That day I saw Chloe sitting in that office, not working. And if Chloe
wasn't busy something was wrong. She treated the school paper as if the very
fate of the world depended on the next edition. But that day she was sitting
quietly starring at a folder in her hand, a little hurt in her eyes.
So I came in and asked her what was wrong. It turned out Clark and Pete had
gotten really defensive about her support of another candidate in the recent
school election. She didn't know if she had done the right thing. She seemed
more willing to disclose now that she was on the outs with the boys and
there was no one else to talk to. I asked her why she supported Paul, she
told me, and I told her she had done the right thing. Then she asked me why
I was being so gung ho for Clark then and I answered her honestly. I told
her I liked Clark as a person, told her the reasons I thought he'd make a
good president. And she actually listened.
We discussed Clark for awhile and then somehow the conversation led away
from Clark, led away from Paul and led to me spilling about my current
issues with the "Talon". At some point I mentioned something about a rumor
and health department violations at the Beanery. And she actually listened.
It was no big deal when I left the office that night ... we talked. I talked
to Clark all the time, it didn't mean anything.
Then she surprised me. She came by my house that night. Nell happened to be
out on a date that evening, but I didn't really think she'd mind Chloe
coming in. Chloe said she knew someone who might be able to verify those
rumored issues the Beanery had with the health department. I was shocked
Chloe had even bothered to investigate. I invited her in desperate to know
more.
We went from discussions about health code violations to talking about Pete
and Clark. I asked how things were going with them. She sadly said that
things hadn't changed. I said boys were silly anyway and talked about the
ways Whitney had tried to convince me to let him in while Nell was out. Told
me he just wanted to "talk", but I knew better. Chloe was amused by this
decided to imitate Whitney. It seemed to make her forget about the situation
with her boys. I was glad to see her in a good mood again and I found myself
laughing as she performed mock seductions on me.
We were drunk on laughter within the hour. Is laughter and aphrodisiac? It
must be, because one second we were falling on the couch laughing and the
next I was looking into her eyes and seeing something different. And then we
were kissing. Don't ask me to remember who made the first move or who kissed
who first, because I don't remember and it doesn't matter. I was willing,
she was willing, and the rest is something I keep buried in the secret
spaces of my mind.
It was supposed to be different...
The first time kissing led to something more, the first time I made love. It
was suppose to be someone like Whitney or Clark, but it wasn't, it was
Chloe. And I didn't care.
It was suppose to be different...
The first time I felt that way, that person was suppose to feel it too.
It was suppose to be different...
I was the one with everything to lose. I was the one everyone expected to
follow society's plan for my life.
It was suppose to be different...
I was suppose to be the one that said all the things Chloe said to me.
"It was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened"
"I'm not gay"
"I still want to be friends."
When were we really friends Chloe? Moments before we made love for the first
time, maybe. But I agreed to stay friends anyway, because I knew the truth.
She was afraid. Afraid of all the things people would say.
Still, it was supposed to be different...
I shouldn't be in this car with Whitney while she dances with Clark at the
prom.
I should have been the one kissing her in hall.
I should have been the one she danced with tonight.
It was supposed to be different...
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