Xander Woke Up Gay
by Kate

Xander woke up gay. He stretched and got out of bed whistling, much unlike his usual whining and moaning and cursing the gods for making school be a morning thing.

He strolled into the bathroom and into the shower, still whistling happily, the song switching from "Barbie Girl" to "Faith". He scrubbed his body and washed his hair, and started singing. "Give it to me baby...ah ha ah ha ah ha....and all the girls say I'm pretty fly...for a white guy..."

He got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around himself and strolled back into his room. He continued to whistle and sing as he dressed, moving from Offspring to Spice Girls. "If you wanna be my lover..."

He grabbed his bookbag and walked out of his room. His mother was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette and dropping the ashes into the remains of her breakfast as she read the morning paper. And for the first time in a long time, Xander kissed her on the top of her head as he grabbed his lunch, a breakfast bar, and made his way out the door. She looked up at the closing door, took a long drag of her cigarette, and promptly turned to the horoscopes to find what had happened.


Xander danced his way down to the schoolyard, still humming a variety of happy pop songs. His eyes were sparkling, his face beaming, and his step light. He was gay, as gay as a spring morning, as gay as the 'Gay Nineties'. And it felt good.

He even was nice to Cordelia as he passed her by, not angry, not trying to get back at her, nothing like that. Just nice. Because nothing could bring him down. And when he saw Willow...

He was nice. Not driven with lust, or angst, or even romance. Just nice. "Hey Will!" he said happily, jumping into the chair next to her.

Willow looked up from her angst-o-rama. "Hi," she said glumly.

"Awww...what's with the sad face?" he asked cheerfully.

Willow sighed and pulled her black turtleneck down further around her black jeans. "Oz won't speak to me and I love him and I just feel miserable."

"Aw...Will, you shouldn't be so focused on how hard life is. You gotta be happy." He patted her knee and then bounced away.

Willow watched him leave and shook her head. "Poor fool," she said quietly, then sighed and resumed angsting.


Xander made his way into the library, still singing to himself. "Do you really want to touch it...If you know how I like it...." He made his way to Giles' office. "And you know I like it when you call my name and spank me...."

Giles looked up at Xander's singing. "Excuse me?" he said sharply, wondering what the damn foolish boy had gotten into.

"Morning, Giles!" Xander said exuberantly.

"Yes...um...morning. And....what sort of spell or drugs did you...uh....discover last night?"

"Does it always have to be connected to the Hellmouth when someone is in a good mood? Yeesh! Lighten up!" He paused for a second, looking at Giles.

Giles started to feel self-conscious. "What?" he asked.

"Has anyone mentioned that you've really started dressing better this year?" He continued to look at Giles. "I mean, you're kinda hot!"

Giles blushed, but then looked up at him sharply. "Xander, stop it."

Xander came closer to Giles, and reached out his hand, caressing his tweed covered shoulder. "I always liked tweed. It looks so dignified and, in its own way, sexier than tanned, oiled, muscular flesh."

Giles frowned, then looked skyward. "Heaven help me," he said quietly.

The loud clacking of Gucci heels rang through the library. "Giles!" Cordelia yelled. She came into the office, her eyes widening at the sight of Xander's hands all over that tweedy goodness. "Oh God, it happened!"

Giles attempted to disentangle himself from Xander. "What happened?"

"I made this wish and this girl said 'Done' and, oh god, it came true!" She looked at Giles in fear. "I wished that Xander Harris never knew the touch of a woman again!"

Giles looked at her, then at Xander, who was still quite....well...let's be honest now, Rupert--gay. "Oh..." he said quietly. He thought about it, then shrugged. "What the hell," he muttered under his breath. "Cordelia...do you mind? This is a....male-oriented ceremony."

Cordelia rolled her eyes, raised her hands heavenward and sighed. "Oh of *course* it is!" She stamped her way out of the library.

Giles turned to Xander. "So...your place or mine?"

Xander just grinned and started humming again. "Take me there...I wanna go there..." he sang quietly.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Lots of goofy songs. Here's the summary: "Barbie Girl"-Aqua" Faith"-George Michael "Pretty Fly For A White Guy"-Offspring "Wannabe"-Spice Girls "Touch It"-Monifah "Take Me There"-Blackstreet & Mya

I'm Gay!