the pearl

The Castration Of Spike: A Morality Tale

One day in Sunnydale, all of the women decided that they preferred Spike.

"He uses more bleach than I do!" exclaimed Buffy, dying her roots black.

"He has all that leather!" exclaimed Cordelia, secretly a dominatrix under that socialite exterior.

"He's the perfect badass contrast to my sweet innocent self!" exclaimed Willow, her halo shining brightly.

The men were not happy about this.

"Hey!" yelled Xander, waving his arms around. "I can be sarcastic!"

"Damnit!" muttered Giles. "Why'd they have to choose a vampire for their older man?"

"*sigh*" sighed Angel. "I could never be good enough for anyone. Oh the pain!"

"Huh," said Oz, quite mellowly, for he was a man of few words and much pot.

And the women were happy for several weeks, for Spike was a manly man, and all vampires are insatiable.

But he began to change. He changed for the worse. He was no longer SPIKE, slayer of...well, Slayers, killer of puppies, and kittiens, and babies, listener of loud rude punk rock. He turned into WILLIAM, who gave flowers, and massages, and called everyone "love", and meant it.

"He acts like I'm going to live forever!" whined Buffy, sharpening another stake for her nightly battle against evil.

"If I wanted cute wisecracks, I'd be back with Xander," snapped Cordelia. "Where's his edge?"

"I wanted to be a bad girl," pouted Willow. "But now I'm just....cute."

It was a terrible situation. No one knew how to escape it. The women hid in Buffy's house, trying to escape...WILLIAM.

"Darlings!" he yelled outside from the porch. "Let me give you chocolate and recite poetry! Let's go to Annie! Let me dress you up in Victorian clothing and take you on a moonlight picnic!"

"What're we going to do?" asked Cordelia.

"I can't stake him..." Buffy said quietly. "He's..."

"...Too cute to kill!" Willow cried. "Oh God, Buffy, make him stop!"

Suddenly, there was silence. The women looked outside.

Drusilla stood in front of William, her hands gently stroking his hair as he knelt before her. "My black goddess..." he said quietly, running his hands up her thighs. "My ripe...wicked...plum..." He stood and kissed her roughly.

Willow stuck her head out the window. "Spike!" she cried out.

Cordelia's head joined Willow's. "You're back!"

Buffy managed to squeeze her head out the window as well. "How did you do that?"

Drusilla cackled, a rich, rough, evil cackle. "Dear girls..." she purred. "Don't you know anything?" She stroked her Spike's shoulders. "Mortal girls rip the balls off of vampires..." She faced her lover again. "It takes a REAL woman to bring him back to his former self..."

Moral: Never mess with a good thing.

This Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at And you can feedback her at