the pearl

I Didn't Know It'd Be Like This

I didn't know it'd be like this. I never knew it would be like this.

I thought it was a good idea. No, wait, I never thought. I was sure it was a good idea, my emotions train-wrecking through my common sense, my intelligence, everything that my Slayer instincts should have prevented.

But I'm young. I'm stupid. I must be stupid to have done this. I should have a large sign on my chest, a large red S, walking around the town saying "Hi, I'm Buffy Summers, and I'm stupid."

But everyone can tell how stupid I was. It's obvious every time I walk down the street.

I walk down the street and everyone who sees me stares and knows. I stumble down the street, my stomach sticking out, my ankles swollen, my hair lank, and my eyes...

My dark, vacant eyes, haunted by what I did.

I thought it was such a good idea. My mother looked so happy when I told her; her eyes filled with hope. This was a new beginning for her — a future. Instead of waiting for her daughter to die, she would be a grandmother. And maybe...maybe having a baby would keep me alive longer.

Yeah, I'm still alive. I'm alive because I can't do my job when I'm carrying thirty pounds in front of me. I can't reach my feet, much less attack a vamp in a cemetery.

I let this town slip. I let everything that I worked for disappear...all because I fucked without a condom, all because I had this fleeting urge to get knocked up. And all that's left is me, and whatever'll will eventually slide out of me, screaming and covered in blood, like a new vampire climbing out of the grave.

It must be a vampire. It's already killed. I lost my friends, lost them while they were fighting for me, trying to replace me while I sat at home and felt this creature, this demon, my baby, move inside me.

I should have listened to Giles. If I could take this all back, if I could just turn back the clock, I'd listen to him. He was my Watcher, and I just ignored him. He begged me to end it, he begged me to think about the future, and I ignored him. I ignored his advice, I ignored his pleads, I ignored the condoms he finally left on his desk in a futile attempt to talk me out of this.

I ignored him and he died. He died, Willow died, Oz died, Xander died. All that's left is me, and this baby.

I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know it'd be like this.

This Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at And you can feedback her at