the pearl

I'll Never Be Him

I was him.

I didn't mean to, I didn't want to, I swore to all the Gods I ever read about, by everything, that I wouldn't be like him.

And I was.

She doesn't remember it, none of them remember. And when Buffy and I told everyone about what happened, about the monster, the vampires, getting bashed in the head with a heavy piece of scientific equipment, I left it out.

She doesn't know.

And if I can help it, she'll never know.

She loves me. I know she doesn't want to admit it yet, but she does love me. And that makes it hurt even more.

It could fall apart so easily. One more mistake, one more fuck up, and we're them. Jake and Maggie Harris. Dad and Mom.

I'm so afraid of that. I'm so afraid of just slipping into their life. Marrying her, having kids, and beating the crap out of her every time the Broncos lose.

Maybe I ought to just run away from all of this. She's gorgeous, and popular. What could she see in a loser like me? I have no money, prestige, family, respect. I'm nobody.

And just when I get up the nerve to tell her that, just when I think I can leave her, she smiles at me with that million dollar smile, just like the one she gives everyone. But the one she gives me is real. I can see it in her eyes.

And I lose all my resolve.

She's beautiful. Absolutely fucking beautiful. And she's mine.

And I'll be damned if I let Jake Harris get in the way.

I'm not him.

I'm not him.

I'm not him.

I'll recite it every day in front of the mirror. Every day, every night, every time I look at myself and see those Harris family eyes. I'll do whatever it takes.

I can't become him.

I don't want to lose her.

I'll do anything to keep her.

I can't become him.

I'm not him.

I'll never be him.

This Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at And you can feedback her at