the pearl

The Not-So-Secret Thoughts Of A Bored Kourier (The FanGrrrl Remix)

Remix of The Not-So-Secret Thoughts Of A Bored Kourier by Selena Ulrich

Welcome back to another issue of Atomic, the 'zine for all you Chernobyl chickens!

We got an A1 treat for y'all today, 'cause our #1 SuperFan Extraordinaire, Miss L8rG8r, scream queen of Kourier KlassActs the world over, caught up with the only girl to get in close range of Vitaly — the Kourier known as YT!

As you know, YT works with the super-mysterioso software-jockey-turned-pizza-boy-turned-security-specialist Hiro Protagonist who shares a U-Stor-It cube with our vicious Vitaly. YT sees Hiro and Vitaly all the time, and L8rG8r managed to end up right next to her in The Clink, the corporate prison all Kouriers kan't stand!

Chains and beatings down in The Clink don't stop our L8rG8r — not when there's a chance for a one-and-only Chernobyl chainsaw massacre!

L8rG8r jumped on the chance like a magnet on one of those big fat Detroit classics. And thanks to her TOP-SEKRIT(tm) SuperSecret Microphone, L8rL8rsweetsweetG8r got this fantastico interview!

L8rG8r: Hey.
YT: Hey.
L8r: You're YT, right?
YT: Yeah.
L8r: You hang with Hito Protagonist, don't'cha?
YT: Yeah.
L8r: And he's with Vitaly, ain't he?
YT: Whaddya mean "with"?
L8r: I dunno. What do you mean?
YT: What do you mean?
L8r: We gonna keep up with this?
YT: I was just askin' what you meant by "with". Are we talkin' roommates or are we talkin' more?
L8r: Is there more?
YT: You from one of those 'zines?
L8r: Naw. (ed: Go L8r!)
YT: Just gotta check, y'know. Vitaly don't give a fuck, but Hiro gots to keep the intel to a minimum, y'know?

(ed: There's like ten minutes where The Clinkazis come in and start that 3-ring-binder bullshit. L8r and YT do their part to just sit through it.)

L8r: So 'bout Hiro and Vitaly...
YT: ...The fuck?
L8r: Just wanna know, y'know?
YT: Whatever.
L8r: So are they, like, together or anythin'?
YT: ...
L8r: C'mon. Who am I gonna tell? We're in The Clink!
YT: They ain't together.
L8r: No shit?
YT: No shit.
L8r: Wow.
YT: Don't fuckin' know why not, though. I can't understand why they aren't fucking.
L8r: Dude, totally.
YT: Okay, yeah, it's sick. We're workin' together and all that.
L8r: But look at 'em! On those hot nights when Hito and Vitaly are cooped up together in that U-Store-It lockup they call home — Vitaly wearing that fishnet vest and leather pants combo he wears to all the gigs...
YT: Hiro workin' out with his swords, dressed in tight khakis with sweat drippin' down his back...
L8r: Sounds like you've got somethin' for Hiro.
YT: Naw. He keeps on tellin' me how straight he is, every goddamn time we meet, and he had some woman, like, years, ago — but they spend all that time in that 20-by-30, and, dude...
L8r: Hey, who d'you think's on top?
YT: Vitaly.
L8r: Seriously?
YT: Totally. Like, one time...I swear I walked in on them.
L8r: No way!
YT: Uh-huh. Like, I came in one time, and Hiro was getting up from his knees, and he told me this lame excuse about meditation or traversing the Metaverse.
L8r: You're kidding!
YT: Yeah. I figure somethin' goin' on, y'know?
L8r: Totally.

YT's bailed out by Hiro shortly after that, and then us here at Atomic picked up our favorite star reporter later on. L8rG8r, luv her or h8 her, gave us some high power intel — and we're just lovin' it here!

Vitaly + Hiro 4-eva?

Could it be?

Stay tuned for more, Kouriettes!

This Snow Crash story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at And you can feedback her at