the pearl


"With your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue...the only thing I ever got from you is sorrow..."

Can I tell you something? Something you would never tell anyone else? I know...I know it's weird, me coming to you to ask for help, but there was no one else I could think of, no one else that, despite being turned down several times and finding someone else, still loved her. No, don't try and deny it. I can tell.

I love her too.

You shouldn't be so surprised. It's not like it's that unusual for a girl to love another girl nowadays. Hell, I've bet you spent one or two nights alone in your room thinking about me and Buffy doing stuff you've only glimpsed in pornos....

But it didn't happen that way.

I do love her. Those flashing eyes, that soft hair...the second I saw her, I knew I wanted her. And then, over several late night conversations, I grew to love her. It's nothing new for me...after a long night fighting the undead, you'll tend to grab onto anyone, male or female, as long as they're alive.

I told her one night. I told her that I had a thing for her, you know? And she didn't do anything. Didn't say yes, didn't say no, just changed the subject. And, for her, it was like nothing had happened.

Which is why I guess it happened. All she had to do was say something, do something, and it would have never happened.

She....even after I told her I wanted her....She would share a bed with me. Yeah, the same bed. We'd get into that big bed of hers and paint our nails and talk about you and everyone else and random things like that. Harmless girl stuff. But it was hardly that. How would you react if Buffy asked you to sleep in her bed, while wearing just a sports bra and a pair of boxers?

The first few times, it was okay, I could handle it. But then there was last night.

We fell asleep normally enough. But around 2 am, I woke up. She was dreaming, and it was quite the dream, from the noises she was making.

What could I do? I was lying in bed with the woman I loved while she was dreaming about screwing someone. I couldn't move for a few minutes, but when she called out his name, I just....I don't know....I was so mad that she still wanted him after all that and that she didn't want me...I....

I started running my hands over her stomach. She didn't wake up, even when I cupped her breasts. She arched her back, pressing her breasts against me, and I was a goner. I couldn't stop if I wanted to, and she, she didn't even know that it was really happening. It was Angel making her feel that way, not me.

I couldn't help myself. She was so gorgeous, her usual peaceful face flushed. And her eyes were still shut. She was still dreaming.

I slid a hand down into her boxers and her panties. She was so warm, and so wet, and so inviting. And she thrust her hips up. She wanted it, she wanted what I could give her, even though she didn't know it was me. And I gave it to her.

It didn't take very long, my fingers circling her hard clit, swirling in her wetness. She came gently, her eyes still closed. Still dreaming.

She called out his name. His name. After all he did, after all the death and the pain....Knowing that he'll hurt her again and again and again., she still called out his name. Not mine. Never mine. And I....I couldn't tell her that I was the one who made her feel that way. Me, not him. And I was here for her and I would always be here, the way that he couldn't. I couldn't tell her what I had done.

I still can't.

But I....I had to tell someone. I couldn't keep this down inside of me. I couldn't face her with this screaming to get out.

I...I don't know what to do. Can....Can you help me, Xander?

This Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at And you can feedback her at