the pearl

Team Jensen

"Dear Penthouse Forum," Jensen says from his side of the bed, looking up at the ceiling in the dark. "When my twin sister suggested having a threesome with my best friend, I never thought it would come true..."

Julie snorts from her side, muffled slightly from her face resting on Cougar's shoulder. "They'll never take your letter — you write like a serial killer," she says.

"That's what emails are for. And do you mind? I'm trying to draft a letter here." He clears his throat. "Many people had remarked in the past how similar my sister and I look. In fact, one friend, upon meeting my sister, told me that she 'looked just like you, with tits'."

"See, that's funny, because my friends tell me you look like me, but with a dick."

"Your friends have seen you with a dick."

"Only a couple."

"Anyways, Penthouse, my sister and I have always been rather alike. Along with looking like each other, we also shared the same tastes in men—"

"And women."

"And operating systems."

"Oh, don't you dare compare my lovely Ubuntu system with your shitty Slackware. I don't care that they're both Linux."

"You're such a girl sometimes, you know that? Going on and on about the interface when it's all about the power."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jake. God knows a software designer never focuses on interfaces."

"As I was saying... My sister and I have always been rather alike, but I would like to make it perfectly clear that we have never engaged in sexual intercourse with each other."


"I know."

"Just, seriously, ew. I've seen your scrawny dick too many times to find it remotely appealing."

"Dude, remember when, at summer camp, they made us sleep in separate bunks because it was 'inappropriate'?"

"And how you actually wrote up a list on why I was highly sexually unattractive to you? You douchebag."


"You could've just sucked it up and took it like a man rather than whining for your sister, but, no, you had to freak everyone out by telling them all the personal stuff about me!"

"I said I was sorry, didn't I?"

"I think you were writing a letter?"

"I was sorry, you know."


"So, Penthouse, my sister and I have never found each other sexually attractive, but with our similar tastes in men and women, found it much easier, when there was a willing third partner, to share our experiences. Several men and women in the New Hampshire area have enjoyed remarkable nights of pleasure in my sister's king-sized bed, but we had never found anyone who would have been willing to continue the relationship further."

"Because you're impossible to live with."

"So are you."

"At least I have a house."

"Whatever. I am often overseas on business—"

Julie snorts again.

"Like I'm going to say 'Dear Penthouse, I am part of a top-secret formerly-CIA-funded black ops group that was declared dead and is now hunting down the handler who ruined our lives'? We are businessmen. On business. And it was on one of my recent trips home that I brought along my colleague, who I consider my best friend. When my sister met my best friend for the first time, she pulled me aside and said, bluntly, 'Get him in my bed.'"

"It worked, didn't it?"


"Just because I didn't tell him at first. Why do I let you set these things up again?"

"Because you're worse at picking up people than I am?"

"Bullshit. I'm so better at picking up people than you."

"Name one."

"Amber, Ellen, Joe, that plumber from New York, Michiko, Shaun, those twins from Albuquerque..."

"All right, all right. Christ, are there notches on your bedpost or something?"

"Like you don't have a fucking spreadsheet or something."

"Heh. 'Fucking spreadsheet'."


"Despite my sister's occasional statements, I am not a twelve year old, Penthouse. I am a grown man, with grown needs. And when my sister decided that my colleague would join us in the bedroom, I had to admit to myself that, despite spending most of my time in close contact with him—"

Julie chuckles.

"I had not considered him as a potential partner. But once my sister made her desire clear, all the loose pieces began falling into place, and it became painfully obvious to me that my colleague and I had been sexually attracted to each other for many years."

"God, you're dumb."

"I know."

"I mean, seriously. How could you not enjoy this?" There's a faint quickening of breath between them. "I mean, God, if I was you, I would've been tackling him from the first day out."

"Yeah, well, it's different for girls. You can throw yourself at anyone, really. Guys have to be subtle, you know?"

There's a faint shudder of silent laughter between them even as Julie starts giggling. "You subtle?"

"Shut up. I'm a fucking ninja when it comes to men."

The shuddering of silent laughter gets stronger. "Sure you are," Julie snarks.

"So anyway, Penthouse, it took a few days for everything to come together. I regularly dropped hints, my sister also dropped hints, and, through some fortuitous timing—"

"Amy going away on a Petunias sleepover."

"And don't forget Aisha and Clay finally getting a hotel room."

"If they had spent another night in the guest room, I would've so gone in and joined them. Have you heard how they are in bed?"

"Everyone's heard how they are in bed. Besides, you're lucky they didn't start shooting up the house."

"If I could be the filling in that sandwich, I don't think I'd mind."

"Okay, Jules, seriously, no. You are not sleeping with the rest of my team."

"Not even Pooch and Jolene?"



"Yeah, well, you don't have to work with them. Where was I?"

"Fortuitous timing."

"Right. Through some fortuitous timing, we had a whole night where the house was our own. We started with a light dinner, followed by a few drinks—"

"A few? We finished off my rum! I was saving that!"

"Saving it for what?"



"Could happen."

"Sure it could." He pauses. "Can I continue?"

"You're buying me a new bottle. And none of that cheap gallon Captain Morgan's shit from the CVS. You're replacing that bottle with the exact same brand."

"Can I continue?"

"If you're replacing my rum, yes."

"Fine. We were all feeling very relaxed and in the mood, which is why, when my sister straddled my colleague and began to kiss him, I knew we were all going to have a good time."

Julie sighs, happily, and there's the faint sound of the bedding rustling as she moves closer to Cougar. "And we did."

Jensen matches her movements. "Definitely."

There's another faint shudder of silent laughter, and arms reach out to wrap around each of them. "Can we sleep now?" Cougar says.

"Team Jensen blast off at the speed of light," Julie says, reaching over Cougar's body to bump fists with her brother.

"Surrender now or prepare to fight," Jensen completes, bumping her fist. He snuggles up against Cougar, and seems to instantly fall asleep. Julie matches him on the other side.

Cougar shakes his head, smiling, and finally drifts off to sleep.

This The Losers story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at And you can feedback her at