the pearl

Just Didn't Know

I'm sorry.

I am. I didn't.... I was in a lot of denial after he left, and it just...

You know how you think you're completely over a person and then all of the sudden, something happens, and all the memories come back, like his smile, or the way his eyes glimmered, or the way he'd hold you and you promptly shut down the entire thought process, right down to denying things. That song that we danced to isn't on the radio, that park we used to walk through isn't on my way home, I'm not...

Anyways, I was furious when I found out, because I was so certain I was over him. And in my fury, I thought... I thought I could just deny it was happening, you know? Just keep doing what I was doing — slay the vampires, take care of Mom and Dawn, help out with the research, fight the demons, stuff like that.

And what was happening just...didn't exist. I think people knew — it was kinda obvious, I guess, but they couldn't ask me. And if they did, sort of hedging around the topic, I'd lie, tell them something else, make up something...

I guess they believed me. Or they were so uneasy with facing it that they denied it a little too.

I didn't...I didn't actively do anything. It wasn't alive — it just made a few sounds and then it was silent.

I didn't kill my baby. I didn't. If I had known, really, I wouldn't have...

I couldn't have...

I wasn't...

I just didn't know.

This Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer story was written by Kate Bolin. If you liked it, there's plenty more at http://www.dymphna.net/fanfic/. And you can feedback her at dymphna@dymphna.net.