I can't deal with this anymore.

I'm sitting here in the girl's bathrooms, here at Roswell High School, in Roswell, New Mexico, and I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified beyond all reason.

And she walks the halls, and she doesn't know. And I don't know if she'll ever know.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning. I find that names help people get to know each other, don't you? My name is Maria DeLuca, and I'm 17 years old. I'm a senior here at Roswell High. I have two best friends, a girl, Liz Parker, and a guy, Alex Whitman. Liz is dating an alien. If it comes to that, so am I. And so is Alex.

Liz is mooning over the leader of the aliens, Max Evans. The object of Alex's affections is Max's twin sister, Isabel Evans. And I'm in an on-again-off-again madly in love relationship with Max's best friend, Michael Guerin. Supposedly.

This tells you everything but nothing, doesn't it. Liz always used to say that's what I'm good at, telling everything, but at the same time, giving nothing away. Well, I'm trying, Lizzie. I'm trying to tell the story the best way I can.

I think the problem started with the dreams. I was having really weird dreams. Most girls my age dream about their boyfriend, or the male of their dreams, right? Well, these dreams were something right out of left field. Damn, I used a sports metaphor. Liz hates when I do that.

Well anyway, I should have been dreaming about Michael. Should have been dreaming about his hands running all over my body, because they have before, you know. And I liked it. A lot. So I can't understand why...

You know what? I suck at this. Majorly. So I'm just gonna let you see the whole thing through my eyes, starting about a month ago, which was when I first had one of the... dreams.

"It's over. I'm lying in my bed, and I'm not with Michael. I've just woken up from the strangest dream I'm ever likely to have. In my dream... No. It's not even worth thinking about. I'm just gonna get up, get dressed, skip breakfast and go to school."

This was what was running through my head as I woke up on that Thursday morning. I really had had the strangest dream I've ever had. But I ignored it, and went to school. Because of the dream, I was finding it incredibly hard to concentrate in any of my classes, so when Michael passed me a note in the middle of fourth period, I was glad to take him up on his offer. Anything to take my mind off of the dream. The note said:

Pixie girl

Eraser room, ten minutes? Excuse yourself from class. I will too. I need you.

Spaceboy

Well who was I to disagree with that? Ten minutes later I asked for a pass to the bathroom, and there we were, in the Eraser room, wrapped around each other and kissing like there wasn't any tomorrow.

It was incredible, you know? I don't know what it is about aliens, but they must have this in-bred ability to kiss, or something. Whatever, the point is, I felt like I was melting. And my anxiety about the dream made me...

To understand, you have to know that usually when Michael and I make out in the Eraser room, I stop him when his hands start to wander. I let him kiss me wherever he wants, on top of my clothes. He always wants to go further, and it makes me feel in control when I stop him. And boy, does it make me feel desirable. And horny, to boot.

So where was I? Oh yes, the dream. Well, I wanted more than anything to get it out of my head, and so when he went for the hem of my tank top, instead of stopping him like I normally do, I let him pull it over my head. From years of experience, I've learned which of my tops just does NOT go with a bra. This happened to be one of those.

I've never seen anyone look at me like that before. He was staring at my chest like I was a drink of water and he was a man dying of thirst in the desert! I kind of liked it, actually. He moved closer and put his hands on my breasts, and I kind of threw my head back and whimpered in pleasure, as you do. But then the scariest thing happened. When I opened my eyes again, it wasn't Michael doing those incredible things to me. It was Liz.

That threw me. So what, was my dream manifesting itself in my reality now? Because I didn't know if I could handle that. I shook my head as if to clear it, and when I opened my eyes again it wasn't Liz who had her mouth clamped on my nipple, it was Michael. I breathed a sigh of relief. Actually, this is the fuzzy part. Cos I wanted to focus on Michael, you know? The part of Michael that was undeniably male, and would stop me thinking about Liz. So I gently unlatched him, and knelt before him, and undid his jeans.

Michael's face. He looked like he'd died and gone to heaven. I took as much of him in my mouth as I could, which was a fair bit but not all. Michael is HUGE. And we'd never gone this far before- especially not in the Eraser room, at school. Somehow, I will never know how, I managed to take all of him in, by relaxing my throat or something. I'll probably never be able to do it again. He pulled out and I took him back in again, and when I'd done that a couple of times, he'd cum down my throat and was looking at me like all his Christmases had come at once.

"Maria..." he breathed in wonder. "God, Maria, I think I'm in love with you!"

Well that was the last thing I needed to hear. I put my top back on, mumbled something that COULD have been "I love you too," but definitely wasn't, and rushed out, leaving him to catch his breath and pull up his pants.

I walked around like a zombie for the rest of the day, honestly. I mean, think about it. I'd just blown my boyfriend, and he'd told me he loved me, and through the entire thing, all I could think about was Liz and how much I wanted to take her to the Eraser room, to see if she was anything like my dream.

Of course, I could never tell her this, because she'd look at me weird and then she'd never talk to me again. Having a crush on your best friend is one thing if he's a guy, but when she'd a girl, that's a whole other kettle of fish. Oh, jeez, why couldn't I have developed a crush on Alex? It'd be a whole lot easier to explain to my mother!

Which brings me to now.

For an entire month after that episode, I've had the dream every night, and Michael and I have gone to the Eraser room every morning. It's usually the same, one of us goes down on the other. It's not like we keep track, but it's pretty much me one day, him the next. Whatever, it's not like I'm getting anything out of it.

I haven't said a word to Liz about it. In fact, I've almost been avoiding her completely. How can I not avoid her, when every time I see her my nipples harden, and I can feel the liquid pooling between my legs? I'm telling you, the dreams have made me depraved.

She knows about me and Michael. She was so excited when she found out, she wanted to know what it felt like, and what it tasted like, and so on and so forth. But my heart just isn't in it, I felt like shouting at her. I don't want Michael anymore. I want you!

Course, you never say that sort of thing to your best friend. So I try to find comfort in Michael, and avoid her as much as I can.

Until today.

No, I've made my decision. I have to tell someone... I just don't know who. So I'm sitting here, in the girl's bathrooms, Roswell High school, Roswell, New Mexico. And I'm terrified beyond all reason.

I'm Liz Parker, and something is very wrong.

My best friend in the whole world, Maria DeLuca, won't even talk to me anymore. I think the last thing of any depth she told me was that she and Michael were going down on each other, and even when she told me that, she seemed... I don't know, distant. And she never talks to me anymore.

I think I'm going to have to confront her.

I'm definitely not going to sit in this grotty bathroom all day, so I'm going to find someone to confide in. Who do I usually tell stuff to?

Liz. Not her - it's about her.

Michael. Not him - it'd crush him, make him feel like he can't pleasure me. Even though he can. Oh, God, he can.

Max - Not high on my list of favorite people now. He gets to touch Liz, something I'm not sure I'm very happy about.

Isabel. No - we're not very close, and I'd feel weird talking to her about something like this.

My Mom. I'm not even gonna go there. Who wants to hear that their daughter wants another woman to get in her pants?

Alex. Not him. Hang on... he's perfect, now that I think about it.

That's it. Decision made. I'm going to find Alex.

I'm looking for Maria, but so far I've had no luck finding her. Isabel said she'd seen Maria going into the girl's bathrooms awhile ago, and she was crying, but she's not there. She's not anywhere I've looked.

Alex was just as perfect as I thought he'd be. I broached the subject lightly... I asked him what he'd say if I said I had a crush on one of my best friends. He looked flattered, and so I told him it wasn't him. His face was blank for a second, then he clicked.

"Oh," he said. "You want Liz."

See, that's what I love about Alex. He's not judgmental, like some people would have been. He was happy for me, or at least, he encouraged me to tell Liz how I felt. Even if she didn't feel the same way, he reasoned, how could she feel anything but flattered?

So now I'm on my second mission of the day. I'm off to find Liz.

Just when I'm giving up hope, she comes and finds me. I went and saw Alex, and he said I should just stay in one place, and sooner or later she'd have to walk past me, right? So I went and sat in the courtyard.

She came running over about ten minutes later, making me wish I'd saved myself the trouble of all that running. If I'd known it'd be that easy to find her...!

And now the acid test. Would she talk to me? Because she had this look on her face like something was troubling her. And if I know Maria, and I like to think I do, she would tell me when the time was right.

Apparently, the right time is now.

I found her.

I grabbed her by the arm, ignored my body which was getting over excited, and told her we needed to talk, someplace private.

She came with me, and we went to the Eraser room. No, not for that! Everyone goes there when they want privacy, it's just that most people want privacy for a different reason!

Jeez, and I thought MY mind was stuck in the gutter!

"Liz, there's something I haven't been telling you."

"Well, what is it? You can tell me anything, Maria. Are you sleeping with Michael?"

I burst into tears.

"Oh God, Maria, I'm sorry! Did you two break up?"

But I just cried harder. The only thing Liz could do was hold me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled back, and held Liz at arms length, staring at her face.

"Maria? You said we needed to talk?"

Maria was acting very strange. She came and got me, and then we went to the Eraser room... no, not for that! Jeez! And then as soon as the door was closed behind us, she burst into tears, and so what was I supposed to do? I wrapped my arms around her, like she always used to like me to do, just like any other friend would have done. What she would have done for me.

Come to think of it, Maria has always been kinda touchy feely. She likes to hug people when she sees them, you know? And hug them good-bye, and she used to love when we were little and we used to do each other's hair before school.

So I did what was completely natural to me. That's just how she is. Just how we are with each other.

Just how I am.

And then she looked at me, the strangest look I've ever seen. That's when I started to worry.

I'd made a fool of myself.

I was supposed to be strong, and tell her the truth in an emotionally laden yet strong kind of way. But no. Maria couldn't do it. DeLuca, you're a screw up to the finish, aren't you? Burst into tears? You freak.

So when I was done with the hysterical panic that brought on my crying, I held her at arms length and looked at her. She seemed worried. That's when I told her.

I told her everything I've told you.

And she just looked at me.

Well, what the hell was I supposed to say to that?

What do you say when your best friend in the whole world comes right out and says that she's been having erotic dreams about you? Nothing really prepares you for that. Nothing.

I think that under the circumstances, I handled the situation pretty well.

I walked away.

And I could hear her crying, heart wrenching sobs of defeat, as I walked down the hall.

It was NOT supposed to go like that.

I was supposed to tell her, and then she was supposed to either feel the same way about me, in which case we'd kiss, and everything would be shiny and new. Or else, she wouldn't feel the same way, but she'd be okay with it anyway, and she'd help me go find some other girl to jones after. That's the Lizzie I know.

The Lizzie I know wouldn't just walk away, and leave me here, crying like I'm gonna die, in a heap on the Eraser room floor.

Maybe I am gonna die.

It can't happen too quickly, if you ask me.

It's been agony.

Her parents own the Crashdown Cafe, and she works there, and since we are... I mean, were, best friends, it made sense that I should get a job there, too. I didn't even have to apply, the Parkers just gave the job to me. We were so excited, the day we started working together.

My shift tonight was hell.

Lizzie's dad, sweet as he is, always tries to give us the same shifts, have us working together, you know? So we can chat, and have our breaks together, and stuff.

But tonight, the last thing I wanted was to be there, with Liz tactfully avoiding me, and the Evans twins sitting in a booth with Michael, and I had to serve them. The Evanses looked at me as if to say, what's with you and Liz? And Michael. God, he was staring at me like he wished I was on the menu, so he could order ME and take me back to his place in a doggy bag, or something.

He probably would, if he could.

But Alex was a godsend. After work I went to see him, and he said to just give Liz time, to sort through what she's had to process, in his words. Then he gave me a big hug, and I just lay in his arms, crying softly, thinking my whole friendship with Elizabeth Parker was down the tubes forever.

I know what you're thinking.

You think I walked away from her because the thought of her having dreams about me was repulsive.

Well, you're wrong.

I walked away from her because the thought of her having dreams about me WASN'T repulsive.

Yes, okay, I admit it. I've had the odd dream about her, as well, but it doesn't consume my every waking moment, as it seems to for her. I'd just like to know, you know? Have my curiosity satisfied.

But the part that scares me, is that maybe my curiosity isn't ALL I want satisfied.

So here's the decision I've made. Tomorrow at school. I'm gonna do what I should have done today, and act on my instincts. God knows they've never let me down before.

END