Once...

Once I was someone else. I am a shadow of that person now, the Tess that was. I am a Tess replica created and made new and sent here to do something that everything inside me once wanted at one time. I have memories and ideas and things to do and I plod towards them and drag you and the others along.

You wonder about that, you wonder about who you once were. You want to know, you want definitions and maybe pictures and probably home movies. I don't think it's that simple, Isabel.

You are a shadow of that person now, the Isabel that was. Now you are an Isabel replica, a reconstruction of the Isabel that was, and you - the Isabel that is now - you are designed to recreate that life that was once yours and there isn't going to be a guide with all the answers for you. Your insides should be awake and speaking to you, reminding you of what you are supposed to do for whom you once were. You say it isn't fair and I tell you it's destiny. You have instincts, don't you? Think and rejoice in them, I say. But really, I think that once...

I think that once we knew that we'd gotten a really shitty deal. Once, I think that maybe we did something about it. Once, I think we found a consolation for ourselves that expanded and grew and maybe threatened the damned destiny we are all supposed to want so badly.

I can't quite remember the me that was although I have books and instincts and Nasedo whispering in my ear. You say it doesn't matter now, we have to focus on saving Max. It matters though, the past does, and we both know it. I still see images and pictures and shapes and the four of us standing together and there are flashes that let me know things. You see them too, don't you Isabel?

Once, I took your hand in mine and leaned forward and told you that I had strong feelings for your brother and you watched me unblinking and there was fear in your eyes and something else too and I felt it as well. It is still there, that feeling, itching at the back of me, scratching inside me. I think that once...

Once I was with Max and you were with Michael. Once--another once-- I think I told you to open your eyes and I think you did and I am pretty sure you saw the same sorts of things I did, but I don't think it had anything to do with what we are supposed to be now.

Now we are both supposed to be breeding receptacles--we are here to carry out some sort of programmed destiny that isn't ours by choice, but we got stuck with it anyway because of who we once might have been. I think that once we said to hell with the 'suppose to's' and thought about pleasure instead.

Yes, pleasure. It would make your puritanical heart shriek now, you who seem to only want the clingy cuddliness of 'your' Alex, but I think under that sweet exterior of yours is a heart that rages like mine. I think you once showed that heart to me.

Sometimes, when the haze and fog of what I am supposed to show you about Michael, and my own drive for Max lifts a little and I look at you, there is something in the pull of the square that is supposed to guide us and it sinks into a little crevice of me that holds something of what I once was and it whispers and croons to me, and I am pretty sure that once I had something better than what I think I am supposed to want now. Sometimes when I am not listening to what I am supposed to and my mind wanders, it shows me pictures of your hands on the small of my back and my hands on your breasts but I can't catch more of the memory than that even though I want to. I think that once...

Once you knew me. Once you loved me, once I loved you. Once we took what we were supposed to be and shredded it, created something between ourselves that screamed out at the world we knew.

Once I held you and lay with my head resting against your shoulder. Once you held me and you turned, rested your lips against my neck. Once I held your hand and whispered about feelings and you didn't fumble and turn and deny but held my hand in yours and looked at me and there was something between us that was stronger than destiny and I think I remember the taste of the skin behind your knees.

It was once, and I don't think it was supposed to be. I don't think that once was supposed to happen and I think that the memory of those onces is something that I wasn't supposed to have and I think that it is supposed to be a once that never was.

But I would welcome it again, I think I want it over and over and over again. I want to say fuck destiny and those damn symbols and lie naked with you and run my hands over your body and push my tongue inside you and let the universe scream and to hell with worlds and fate and saviors and who we are supposed to have once been, let us be what we once were. Let us be what we truly are.

END