do you realize?
beth c

Dear Fred,

I'm dead now, and to be honest, I'm a little shocked I didn't go right to hell.

It's purgatory for me, and I can handle that. Only 500 years of repenting. I got off easy since I was only evil for a little while.

We didn't get along, and to be frank, I didn't like you. I'm not sorry about that because you annoyed me. But I have one letter to write and since I can't write to him, I picked you to receive it.

I need to tell you a little secret.

I haven't always hated girls like you.

I was a girl like you.

I was pigtails, shy smiles, and plaid skirts. You might get hot and bothered talking about quarks but I got wet listening to English majors debating Euripides. I was you plus a great set of tits.

I loved college. It wasn't like high school where I was terrorized for being smart. Instead, people appreciated my intelligence. You might not believe this, but I even decided one day while sitting in my Milton seminar that I was going to be a professor.

But my daddy said that he wouldn't accept me wasting his money on a pointless degree. He beat his opinion into me.

My boyfriend at the time, a pretty little philosophy major who ran some awful little underground newspaper, saw the bruises and dumped me for listening to my father. "You caved Lilah," he said bitterly, "You made yourself the victim."

Daddy chose my major, Daddy chose my career, and Daddy made sure I stayed on course with his belt and his fist. Then once I became the lawyer he wanted, Daddy got the punishment he deserved.

I punished him, I punished that little unemployed fuck that told me I caved, and I punished the drunken professor that decided I looked like a fun target. I had a list a mile long for revenge, and I can thank my father for the ability to carry it out. I have a closet full of skeletons, and I've done things to people that you can't imagine.

I was never going to be the victim again. I wanted to make sure that I was going to hold the power.

But then he came around, and I lost myself.

I loved my life, I loved my job, and I loved everything that came with it. I even loved being cruel and evil. But he ruined it. He made me see that something was wrong with it all, and I hate him for that. But I also love him for it.

Wesley was everything I wanted. He was well read, he appreciated good scotch, and he was amazing in bed. Plus he was so damn beautiful. I never had the truly beautiful Wesley, but I could see it in him. He was so fragile, and full of love.

But he didn't love me, he never loved me. He loved you and since he couldn't have you, he wanted what he thought was the exact opposite.

Do you realize, in another world, we would've happy and we would've been friends? But somewhere along the way, you got sucked into another dimension and I became evil. I can even picture it if we had both gotten the lives we were meant for.

In my little fantasy we're both TAs at some little college on the coast, and we're sitting in some cheesy Mexican restaurant. We're drunk on margaritas, recounting X-files episodes, and bitching about the administration. Nothing is wrong with our lives.

Wesley is even there, holding my hand and trying to set you up with his friend, a librarian from Sunnydale. In my fantasy, Wesley only has eyes for me. You are invisible, and there is no competition for his love.

They are telling me to wrap it up. Angels get pretty bitchy if you start to go over the time limit.

Do me one little favor Fred.

Stay with Gunn.

I think if I had tried a little harder, I could've gotten Wesley to love me. But instead I was careless and I broke him.

You are so meek, and he is so brittle. I am not sure he can be fixed.

I know you think I'm just being evil right now, and trying to trick you. But please believe me.

He needs to find redemption, because although Wesley liked the idea of being bad, he isn't meant to be evil. But he needs to find redemption on his own.

Watch out for him, but don't fuck him. If you fuck him, he'll never make it. He can't find security in someone else's bed.

Fred, I really did love him. It took dying for me to see it, but I really did. So, please listen to me, I don't want him to end up like me. Leave him alone.

Also, there is a few hundred bucks in my Fendi purse hanging in my closet. Take it and buy some sexy clothing and a push-up bra. Your boyfriend will love it.



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