in case you're wondering what i'm up to

Hi Buffy,

I just thought I'd write to tell you what I was doing. I thought you might be wondering, y'know. I hope you're missing me back in Sunnydale despite how hectic everything is for you. Things are going well down South here. Killed a few demons, a couple of vampires. One was really big. I may be your average, normal human being again but I got him.

Oh, and by the way, I'm dead.

Shocking, huh? I put up a fight and I wasn't weak and, how did you put it that time? Kitteny. That's right, kitteny. Well, I wasn't. I guess I had it in me all along but no doubt you knew that. I'm so sorry for what I did and I know you may still hate me for it but at least I know I did wrong. I was depressed and I guess it was the Hellmouth equivalent of cutting myself. Shit! Why did I do it? The scars were starting to heal before I finally bit the dust so I suppose that's a good thing, but it was like I couldn't see a way out of it. I knew you didn't love me anymore. Did you love me at all? I guess part of me believe, or at least hopes that you did.

When we got stationed here it finally hit me really. The only one who would listen to me was Graham. That's the thing isn't it? I was so hung up worrying what you were feeling I didn't notice the people who really did love me. He was great. He put up with the tears (yes, I cried. Believe it or not, even when I was commando guy I cried sometimes), the anger, the fits of rage...

How can one girl cause so many emotions in a guy? I was in pain from the start. I was convinced I wasn't good enough for you... or maybe it was the other way around. I mean, you slept with Parker for God's sake. At first I even thought you were... it's so difficult to say but since I'm dead anyway you can't kill me... a slut. Still, I fell in love with you but I always hated to think about your past, the guys you were with before me. Angel (I still refuse to like him), the aforementioned Mr Abrahams and I guess I was just that little bit jealous of Giles - he had a part of your life I could never reach.

I wonder what your friends'll think now. I wonder if they liked me? I couldn't break through that barrier - I couldn't ever have been a part of the gang. Not really. It just wasn't possible. It kinda pissed me off that Tara seemed to join in easier than I did! But I suppose it was because Willow really loved her. Sorry. I'm starting sound bitter. I'm not it's just the way I sound at times.

Funniest thing. Graham accused me of being bitter a few days ago. I tried to convince him that I was completely over you and I thought I did a good job but he knew it wasn't the same. He knew I wasn't putting my heart into it and it really annoyed me. You've ruined my performance, I hope you realise that. Now I think about it, there's no point in talking about sex anyway - it's not like I'm ever going to do it again anyway. I'm dead, deceased, finished! I am an ex- Riley! Python humour. Remember that time we watched it together? You really didn't get it. I had to laugh at that!

Better be off. I'm being called. I guess death isn't that a bad a thing when it comes down to it. Maybe I'll even forget about you then and you won't haunt my dreams any more but deep down I doubt that. I love you, honestly, truly and with every part of my body. But you don't love me.

At least shed a tear.



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