minbari don't lie

I never meant to hurt you. And you know that's the truth because, Minbari don't lie, except to protect another's honour, and whose honour would I be protecting by pretending I never meant to hurt you?

I loved you Delenn. I told myself that it was a 'higher, nobler love.' And it was. But it was also something else. It was love and lust and wanting. Wanting to hold you and touch you and your face to be the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw when we fell asleep and the only thing I saw all the time I was awake.

Nothing changes. I was your aide, and served you, I was a Ranger, and I served you, I was a criminal, and I served you still, in my own way.

And now I'm dead.

And it's over.

And it's been fifteen seconds and fifteen eternities and fifteen years since I saw your face, and in Valen's name I never wanted it to end like this. Not with you still not knowing where I am, not with me lost out here, not without having your forgiveness.

Does neglet a murderer make? Does intent?

So many times before I thought about coming back. But I knew you couldn't forgive me. Or maybe I couldn't forgive myself?

But now I am back, and at least I got to die on my homeworld, and there's one good thing about my death. And you don't have to worry about me trying to murder your partner again, and there's two. And I get to rest, to sleep at last, and that's three.

I'm sorry. If this is to be my last letter, my final word to the universe and to you, perhaps there should be something else here. Some advice, or at least less doubt and questions, or even some answers to where I've been all these years.

I'm not going to give them to you. And I know it's not very Minbari of me but I'm dead, so I think I'm entitled to a little selfishness. Besides, I've changed more than you would ever imagine and I stopped thinking of myself as Minbari a long time ago.

I'm still a Ranger though.

'We live for the one; we die for the one.'

I lived for you, and more than that, you were my reason for living. And I've died for you, or rather, you were my reason for dying. I hope you understand that, the difference between what I did and what I did it for.

And at least I got to see your face, and know that you were safe, that I'd protected you, fulfilled my purpose.

I guess if that's true that I am no longer Minbari at heart, then it's entirely possible that I was lying when I said I never meant to hurt you, so you'll just have to take my word for it that I wasn't.

And that I'm sorry.

And that I loved you.

'We live for the one; we die for the one.'

You were the one Delenn. Always.


d e a d   l e t t e r s   h o m e