persuading myself


OK, so I've never really been good at, y'know, talking about stuff. That's why I stammer, I think. Or maybe it's the stammer thwart makes me not very good at talking. Uh, whatever. Either way, I just want you to know why this is so rough and why the words aren't going so well. It's me. Well, that and the pills. But, anyway...

Remember that night when I said you had freed me. I meant it, you know. I've always meant what I said, even if I've never phrased it well. And all those things I said about you -- how strong you are, how powerful. I meant those too. That's why I love you. But that's also why I was scared of you. I've never seen so much power in just one person before. To have it all directed at me, it was like a fairytale dream come true. Except that it doesn't have a happy ending, because, well, things like this never do for me.

I know you'll say I'm a coward. You'll, uh, probably be angry too. I deserve that. What I'm doing is almost as selfish as that spell I cast in the magic shop, back when Dawn was with us still, and Buffy... But I don't know what else to do. You're too much for me. No matter how much you deny it, I know. And it's OK. It's just...I can't live in the same life as you. You burn too bright, and I want you too much, and I can't have you. I'm not sure why. Some would say issues but, well, I think it runs deeper than that. I guess I was just not cut out for happiness.

You're hurting as you read this. I know. The pain will pass though. I know that too. And I wish things could be different, but, well, y'know.

I love you Faith. I just can't have you.



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