postcards from the edge


So, I guess you're not expecting a letter from me. Still, The Powers That Be insisted this was a good idea but, I gotta tell ya, I'm doubting their logic. So here it is, and here I am. And now that I'm writing this I got no idea what to say. I could run through the usual things: how are you, what have you been doing, met any nice demons lately, how's Wesley, does he still scream like a girl? Crap like that which I already know the answers to.

Angel once said that apologising was a good place to start on the road to redemption. Some profound pearl of wisdom like that. Hey, maybe Soulboy should get his own talk show. His hair is big enough and his name only has two syllables... Anyway, he was right. I mean, he's been doing this atoning gig a lot longer than I had. Sometimes I wonder if I ever made any ground at all. There was no way of telling, no markers along the way. Just a big fat zero and a box with my name on it.

But, you don't care about any of that. Why should you? I guess what I wanted to say was that I'm sorry. For elbowing you in the face and all. I hope... I just hope the bruise healed quickly, that you weren't in too much pain. Fuck that sounds lame. I hope it didn't cost you any auditions or whatever 'cause, I guess it's okay for me to say this now, I always thought you were a hottie.

I got no excuses for what I did, none that you'd want to hear anyway. See, you could never understand how wicked crazy that time was for me, how much I wanted Angel to end it for me. There were times when I really wish he had. A couple of the girls in the pen, they really had it in for me. Kept trying to throw down with me but I wouldn't, couldn't, take the bait 'cause I was stronger and faster and I was scared that I might snap one day. And they had a blade, I'd seen 'em flashing it around like it was the fucking crown jewels or something. Damn, Slayers are thick skinned but, well, B gutted me once and I think I'd used up my nine lives by then. It was tiring, always looking over my shoulder and those bitches caught me on a complacent day...

Here I go again assuming that you give a shit.

So, I better go now 'cause I'm sure you're probably gonna rip this up and throw it in the trash anyway. I don't know why but I kinda expected you to show for the funeral. Just Angel, as always, head bowed and silent like I was some kinda loss to the world. Big joke, huh, Cordelia?

Stay Five by Five!



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