the reason why i did it, by spike


I'm dead now. Properly dead. Not just vampire dead, but dead dead. Literally dust to dust. Yep, I'm now an ex-vampire.

Bloody hell. Should never have let that prat Xander talk me into watching the Monty Python festival on the Comedy Channel that time.

Oh well, sod it. This is supposed to be a final greeting and farewell, a little notice from the grave about how sorry I am to depart and if I've cheesed you off in any way, it's supposed to be a time to make amends so I can finally move on to the better place. Or the worse place. Gotta feeling I know which way I'm going, but I can't say I really give a crap. Gotta be better than this bloody place, after all. Hence the letter.

At first, I didn't know who to send it to. Couldn't send it to Dru (even if I still wasn't pissed off about the whole Chaos Demon thing - a frigging CHAOS DEMON, man!!! - she probably wouldn't understand what it was if I wrapped it round a gold brick and smashed her head in with it). Wouldn't send it to little Slutty the Vampire Slayer - bloody hell, I'm dead now, and finally away from the whiny little cow, so I'd hardly send her a goodbye note. And that counts out the rest of the Scooby Gang by default.

Then it came to me. You.

How are you, you old poof, then?

I guess you know how I died. Yep, took a stake right in the centre of the chest for little Buffy there. Shoulda seen the look on her face, mate. Utter astonishment. I think she was kinda pissed off that she owed me something as well. Well, given that I was dissolving at the time, I suppose that made my death slightly more enjoyable. Wonder if she thanks me for it. Probably not. I don't really give a toss, anyway mate. Wasn't her I did it for anyway.

It was you.

She once asked me how I knew so much about you and her. How I seemed to know what she was thinking, how much she loved you. Almost told her, mate. Almost told her how, for a couple of decades before you got your soul back and became such a frigging nancy, WE were what you and Buffy used to be. Would have been worth it, just to see the look on her face. I was going to as well.

But I didn't.

I didn't because, in the end, I knew how much it'd hurt you if she did find out. And despite the fact that you're an utter prat these days, I just can't hurt you. Well, not emotionally anyway. Physically - well, when I think about physically hurting you, I start to giggle like a bloody schoolgirl. And the funny thing is, I probably could have done it as well, even if I had that chip in my brain. You weren't covered by the 'no human' clause.

So no, I didn't tell her that you and me were REAL bloody close, mate, closer even than that you two used to be. I gave her some shit about you being my sire or something like that. I didn't tell you how you used to give me some of the best blowjobs I have EVER received (and I really mean that, mate). And I didn't tell her how much it hurt me when you turned out to be a bloody goody-two shoes after all.

Bloody hell, man! You were my sire, man! You were Yoda! I worshipped the bloody ground you walked on. Did you HAVE to become the sodding broody, moping little tosser just because you had a SOUL?? Couldn't you have had just a LITTLE fun?

Well...I guess I'm sayin', Angel, that part of me still loved ya.


well, I guess part of me still does. Otherwise, I'd have opened a pint and watched as those vampire mobs tore her to pieces. Oh well. Just thought you should know that.



P.S. I still hate your bloody guts, though.


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