touch me, kill me
satya graha

My little Marie.

You know, Marie, it's the only thing I ever wanted.

It's why I was born on this terrible planet.

But you wouldn't let me. You said you loved me and wanted me and understood me.

But you wouldn't let me touch you.

God, Marie, do you have any idea how many nights I couldn't sleep? How I stared at the ceiling imagining how your body would feel against my skin? How your face would feel underneath my fingertips?

You said you understood me. Said that I was all up there, inside your head. But you just didn't get it. I didn't want to touch you, I had to touch you. My life's blood was flowing through your veins, and you wouldn't let me have it.

I love you so much, Marie. You had no idea. But you'll know soon.

I remember the first time I saw you, sitting in that bar. You caught my eye immediately and I knew. I knew you would be part of my life somehow. At the time I didn't know if it would be fleeting or something more, but I knew you would be a part of me.

A long time ago I swore I would protect you, Marie. And I'm sorry I won't be there for you anymore, but you don't really need me. You never have. I know you wanted me, loved me, but you didn't need me. You're so strong, and I envy that in you. Always in control when life around you is going to pieces. I'm always turmoil. I can't control anything, not my life, not my love.

God, you feel like heaven. I hope you will understand now. Hope you see everything in my head. You need to understand why I have to do this. I have to hold on.

Touching your lips almost makes me want to live again. But that's the point, isn't it. One touch, one touch will give me everything I ever wanted just before I die. In your arms. I guess that's not fair to you. But in more ways than one, you killed me.

And I love you for that.


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