Don't get mad.

I did a stupid thing today. You're likely aware by now. I just wanted to say a few things to you because you of all of them would understand a little. And because it's you. And I know you loved her almost as much as I did. I knew you loved her. Knew it. Felt it. And I never saw it as sick. Not like the others did. Because I really knew. Knew how it was. I knew you fought it at first. There was always this unspoken thing that I felt with us. Did you ever notice it? I'm sure you did. And you understood me more than the rest of them. Or you seemed to. And I love you for that. A lot. You were there when I needed someone. You helped me do things that none of the others would have even considered it.

This is the hard part. Tell them all I loved them. I know. Stop cringing. Just this once. Just do this for me. Please. One last favor. Try to get them to understand the way you do. The way I know you do. And don't be angry. It's better this way. I never should have been here in the first place. She'd still be alive but for me. There's a journal under my mattress. It's yours now. Write in it. Please. I know you used to write. Tell about you and her. And us. Tell the story. All of it. Yours, hers, and mine. That way we live on with you. She and I with you. Forever.

So when I say I love you, don't take it so personal. I could have been her. I could have. And don't think you failed me either. You never did. I would have even asked for you in this, but you would have stopped me. Can't have that. I have to be with her. You understand. Surely you, of all of us, understand wanting to be with her. Your way was just different. She liked you. She did. Not the way you wanted it, but it was so special that she would be able to. After everything. With you. With him. They never understood that. They never understood me. Not really. I got you and her. You got me. They won't understand this. You have to explain it to them. Make them see without her I am nothing. I don't want to exist. Without her I would not. Should have been me. I'm the one it wanted. My blood. Should have been me. So now it is. It's understood.

I'll tell Buffy you said 'hello, pet'.

I love you, Spike. Always.



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