why i did it

If you are reading this, then I failed. And I am not unaware of the irony -- yours could well have been the hands that killed me, if you are the one to discover what I did.

I am running out of time, but Angel, I must tell you why I did it.

First, however, I hope, whatever happened to me, that Connor is safe. You must believe that was my only intention, to keep Connor safe. I know I am not very good at expressing how I feel, but I cared for Connor. He was a miracle right from conception, and a delightful baby. You of all people must know how badly I wished to give Connor the perfect childhood, the kind you and I did not have.

It was the prophecy, Angel. The Nyazian scrolls. They warned me that Connor was in danger from you, and while I did not want to believe it could be true, I had no other choice.

Yet I could not tell you. It would destroy you to learn the truth, and I could not bear to do that to you. So I chose another, more devastating truth to hurt you with: that I was a traitor. I would rather you spend eternity hating me, than hating yourself. You are so quick to bear guilt, and if anything ever happened to Connor, you would never forgive yourself. It seemed better to give you a different target, in the form of myself. Maybe then you would not hate yourself so much.

So I am taking Connor. He is in danger from you, although you do not know it. Holtz is planning to take Connor from you, as well. I know this because I met with him, pleaded with him to turn aside. I do not need to tell you that a man set on vengeance cannot be reasoned with.

I have no other choice. After tonight I will be gone, and so will Connor. But if you are reading this, then something has gone wrong. And now I can never tell you how sorry I am that it had to come to this. I never wanted this.

You are a good man, Angel. Look after Charles. He does not always think things through before rushing into them, and one day he could be hurt because of it. Someone needs to gently rein him in, and I know you can do that for him. Be kind to Fred. She has suffered more in her lifetime than any of us should. Let yourself love Cordelia. Despite what you may think, you are allowed happiness in this world.

I believe redemption in this life is possible, and I believe you will find yours one day. Now I only pray that I can find my own.

With love,



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