you say goodbye

My Fellow Slayer,

If you are hearing this, then I am dead.

Heh. I always wanted to say that. I just never wanted to damn well die.

So . . .

I guess you're getting this CD from beyond the grave. That's pretty cool. Who woulda thought the afterlife had gone digital? I expected guys with those feathers they used for writin' in the old days, or some shit like that.

You probably figured this is gonna ramble a bit. That's if you didn't break the CD in half, already.

But you won't do that, will ya, B? And we both know why.

Life's a funny thing, ain't it? Not that I have one anymore, but you know what I'm sayin'. You survive; you fight the good fight; maybe someone gives a damn, maybe they don't.

Until we killed Finch, I thought you might be someone who gave a damn.

I don't remember what it felt like, ya know? The others . . . Lester, the courier I killed for the Boss . . . those I remember. But Finch? Nothin'.

What I do remember is you, the next day.

"Faith, you killed a man."

It was always "you killed man". It was never "we killed a man". It was like you weren't even there. Not once you'd had some time to think about it. 'Cos that's just not somethin' the lily white Buffy Summers would do, is it? Kill someone?

Do you remember Ms Post? Sure, she made me look like an idiot. Sure, in the end the lightning fried her.

But you chopped off her arm, B. You think she was gonna survive that? You made the call that she had to die. And no-one said a damn word about it.

But then I make one mistake. A mistake. And it's the end of the world.

Yeah, I screwed up after that. Yeah, I went all dark side. I killed people; I tried to kill your boyfriend.

And you tried to kill me.

If I'd been just a little slower, you woulda done it, too.

When was it that you started to hate me, B? When Angel hit you? When I screwed the farm boy? When I didn't kiss you back?

You hated me too much to forgive me. I never had a chance.

I killed people. I screwed up. But I tried to pay for it.

You said I had to go to jail. I went.

You said I had to help fight a God. I fought.

I died.

And I'm still paying for what I did.

Y'see, despite all that payin', my account ended up in the red. Go directly to Hell. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect two hundred dollars.

You're smilin', ain't you? You figure I got what I deserved?

Enjoy it while you can, 'cos they let you ask one question when you come down here, and you know what I asked.

June 15, 2002.

I'll be here to welcome to the neighbourhood, B.


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