I Hate Xander Harris
by Selena Ulrich

Can I just go on record with something?

I hate Xander Harris.

I don't just mean a little hate, like 'I hate Versace', which is only a minor thing until they start using colours that go with my complexion. I mean that I hate Xander Harris with a passion you can only dream of. I loathe the sight of him. I abhor the thought of him. Even the sound of his name makes me feel nauseous and unable to eat anything for at least two hours afterwards.

And do you want to know why?

Because he guessed my secret.

OK, I admit, breaking up with him on Valentine's Day was mean, even by my standards. And yes, the reason I gave him was extremely vapid and weak. But he's seventeen years old! How do you think he would have reacted if I had told him the real reason; that it wasn't him I was in love with, it was his best friend? Or that the only reason I started dating him in the first place was simply so that I could be closer to her?

Sort of.

OK, he is a good kisser, I'll give him that. Amongst other things. But to date a guy just because of his groping skills is stupid and shallow and I'm not going there again. I've spent too much of my life pretending about such things to want to add anything else to that pile. It only leads to pain and misery in the end, and honesty really is the best policy, no matter what anyone else might say.

Of course, it's also the reason why I'm currently hiding in the broom closet while hordes of women look to do things with me that give me warm shivers just thinking about but would destroy my reputation instantly if it became known that I thought about stuff like that. Let alone actually doing any of it.

Did I mention yet that I hate Xander Harris?

I mean, why couldn't just settle back and badmouth me like all my other loser exs have done? Why did he have to go and dabble in the black arts instead of simply telling everyone what an easy ride I am (a lie, but it makes them feel better and distracts from the truth)? What, was he just trying to make me feel even more pain than I already do?

Well, he certainly succeeded there.


You know, when it started I thought all my dreams had come true. Turning around from my locker and seeing her standing there, staring at me with that look in her eyes I had only ever seen directed at her boyfriend.it was liked I had died and gone to heaven. And then, when her arms snaked round my waist and her warm lips met mine, I just melted on the spot. Forget all those years of denial and self-control; just one little touch from that mouth I had been dreaming about ever since I was old enough to know about such things and suddenly nothing else mattered. Not my reputation, not the opinions of others; all that mattered was the beautiful redheaded woman in my arms and the kiss that I didn't want to end, ever.

Except that it did end there. Or rather, it didn't, but she wanted it to lead on to something else, something more intimate, and I'm sorry but the middle of a school hallway is not my idea of a good place for coming out. So I pushed her away, and the look of hurt she gave me was so heart-breaking that for a moment I was ready to reconsider. And then Harmony showed up and tried to get in on the action, and since that girl couldn't get any hetter without renting it out by the hour, I knew something was up.

Still, it should be sorted out soon enough. Giles is on the case (or at least I think he is; I'm rather fuzzy on what happened there since I was fending off Jenny Calendar at the time) and I've seen enough movies to know that's all that matters. Soon the wise-man-geek-knowledge-guy will come through with a solution and everything will be back to normal. Girls will stop lusting after me, Harmony and all her little sheep will flock back to me, I'll be put back in that nice little box of heterosexuality that comes with being little miss popular...

And Willow will think of me one again as the self-centred heartless bitch that treats her existence with a barely disguised contempt and wouldn't think twice about her unless she had homework she needed doing.


God, I HATE Xander Harris!