by corrupt-blondie

It's all I have now. Regrets. I hate that do, and I want to change it, but I hate living my life with the what ifs.

What if I never came to Sunnydale?

No, because then I would've never met Cordelia. I would rather die then living my life without having known her.

What if I wasn't a slayer?

Once again, I probably wouldn't have met Cordelia. Not to mention, playing whore in Boston so Mummy could get her booze? Not my idea of fun.

What if I never slept with Xander?

That's simple. Cordelia wouldn't have left me and we'd still be happy right now.

Notice how my thoughts are always consumed with Queen C? Yeah, I caught that one too. Even before my little rumble in the sack with Xander, my thoughts were always of Cordelia.

God, I miss her so much. The apartment seems dead without her presence, or maybe it's just a reflection on what I'm feeling right now. I go from seeing her everyday, to getting brief moments when she goes to the library or the Bronze. She rarely goes to the library now, because the self proclaimed "Scooby Gang" made it clear how useless she was. She told me once how it hurt when they did that, and I wanted to smack them all silly for ever putting Cordelia in that position.

We're all sitting in the library discussing the new demon or whatnot. I never listen because I'm eyeing the door the whole time. She has to come. She'll be here. I know she will.

The doors open, and my heartbeat went to double time when I saw her. With all her pose and grace, she elegantly strolled into the library with a couple books in hand. Her long brown hair wrapped up in a bun with a few wisps framing her face. With her hair up, I could see that long creamy neck of hers that I spent so much time running my tongue over. She was wearing a mini-skirt that showed off a delicious amount of tanned skin and I felt my mouth water. Also, she was sporting a white 3/4 sleeve collar tee that was unbuttoned enough to get a decent shot of her lascivious cleavage. Now, the whole mouth-watering thing? Ha, I graduated to full on drooling at this point.

"Surprise. Surprise," Cordelia greeted, "you're all here. Don't any of you have anything better to do on a Friday night?"

"We have more important things to worry about, Cordelia," Buffy replied without looking up from her book.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, "I'm here to drop off some books."

Giles took a moment before he actually remembered that he was the librarian and helped the head cheerleader out. All the while, I'm just watching her. Just... wanting her. My heart constricts painfully as the reason why we aren't together anymore crosses my mind.

That night was such a blur to me. Everything happened so fast, so fast that even now I can't decipher the actual events that took place that night. I remember fighting the demon, Xander sort of saving me, him walking me to my place... and nothing. I woke up, and I saw him there next me, both of us naked and I panicked. I absolutely freaked out, and that's why the guy was kicked out so fast that he didn't know what hit him. It wasn't Cordelia next to me. That's all I thought about afterwards.

Old habits die hard I guess. That's all I ever did before I got to know Cordelia more personally. I was the 'get some, get gone' girl and I didn't care. Then I met her, and for once I wanted to change. To make myself better so she could love me the way I love her. So, in our relationship, I was a one-woman gal. Cordelia was the only person I wanted, and whenever I had the urge after a good fight... I always went to her and she never turned me away. Why couldn't I have waited? Why couldn't I have kept my fucking legs closed?

I remember the first time she told me she loved me. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were lying on my bed watching my one channel television in comfortable silence. Cordelia rested her head on my shoulder while softly drawing circles on my abdomen with her well-manicured nails. I was raking my fingers through her hair, occasionally twisting a couple strands gently. She just said it. Out of the blue. "I love you, Faith."

Let me tell you, you have no idea how much I wanted to return the sentiment. I wanted to go to the highest peak on the Earth, I think it's Mt. Everest, and just scream out to anyone who could hear me that Cordelia loved me and I love her. Guess what? I didn't. We just lied there, and it was very awkward afterwards because I was silent.

I could tell she was disappointed. Who wouldn't? However, she knew I have love/trust issues and she let it slide. More and more she said it though, and more and more I didn't reply or I changed the subject. Her heart was wearing thin, and I knew... but I didn't do anything. I was too scared to admit my feelings, and look where it got me? Alone with a broken heart.

She's leaving now, and I'm more depressed then I was before she came.

Later that night, I went to the Bronze, and I saw her there. Once again, she's dancing with another unknown guy. It's getting pretty late, and I see as the song ends, she's getting ready to leave. I follow her because I need to talk to her.

Meeting up in alley in front of the club, I called her. Cordelia stopped, and it's noticeable that she's uncomfortable with me near her. She doesn't turn around though.

"Cor... we have to talk," I said softly.

She's just standing there, not moving an inch. Her shoulders are drawn back, and I realize she's clenching her fists.

"Please face me," I pleaded, and to my surprise she does.

"What do you want, Faith?" Cordelia bit out harshly.

I gasped, astounded by her tone. I quickly regained my composure and seethed, "I want to know why you feel the need to dance with every fucking guy in your school." I actually had something else to say, but with her cold attitude and this raging jealousy coursing through my veins caused my mouth to go elsewhere.

My words never affected her though. Her Queen C shell is thicker than ever now, and it's going to take everything just scratch the surface.

"I can do whatever I want now," the cheerleader stated cooly, "I'm not your girlfriend anymore, Faith."

"I made a mistake," I admitted brokenly, "and you know I'm regretting what I did with Xander."

"I know," Cordelia offered with no emotion coloring her voice, "doesn't mean I want to get back together with you."

"You love me though," I replied, my heart lodging in my throat.

Cordelia was silent for a moment, thinking of how to reply to what I just said, "You would know, Faith. I told you every chance I could."

"And I was too scared to reply," I returned, "I was afraid that if I said it, it would make it all real for me, and if I ever lost you..."

"You did lose me," Cordelia cut in quickly, "so that whole theory of yours was pointless."

My eyes are starting to water, "I never realized it until you walked out of the door. You know that saying, you never know what you got until you don't have it anymore? Or something like that."

"That's what everyone does to me," Cordelia sighed, "they always take me for granted. They think they can do better... that I'm not enough for them." She paused before continuing, "Just for once in my life I would like someone to appreciate what I have to offer."

"I do," I stated adamantly. It looked like I almost won her over, but things with Cordelia were never easy.

"I want to believe you, Faith," Cordelia's broke into a whisper, "so much."

I walked up to her, and now we are face to face. Her breathing hitched in her throat at our close proximity, and I made her look into my eyes. She could always tell if I was lying just by looking in my eyes. "Let me prove it to you."

Cordelia was calculating what I'm offering to her with much scrutiny. Her eyebrows knitted together, and her nose scrunched up a tad. If the situation wasn't serious, I would laugh at how cute she looked.

Taking a slow breath, Cordelia whispered painfully, "No."

No? It rang in my head, bouncing off the walls of my skull. My heart was pumping at a sickening slow pace as I gazed at her agonized eyes. She was turning to leave, and before my brain could catch up with my actions, I turned her around and crashed my lips to hers feverishly.

The taller brunette was reluctant, but I was determined, and she hesitantly eased into the kiss. Soon enough, she was challenging me in the fight for dominance. Her left hand grabbed my hair while her right hand raked over my back. My back hit painfully against the wall as Cordelia pushed me there, and I brought her with me as my arms enveloped her slender waist. I groaned, but Cordelia stifled it with a fierce kiss.

Our teeth were clashing together, and tongues were fighting with each other. My hand snaked up to her neck, and brought her closer, if it was possible. There was no part of my body left untouched by Cordelia, and I felt tingles running up and down my spine.

Time passed, but I don't know how long we've been making out. Just when I was about sink into oblivion of pleasure just from Cordelia's kisses, she pulls back abruptly. And I think I just whimpered at the sudden loss of contact. Hell, I didn't know I COULD whimper.

I'm looking at her with a questioning gaze. Wondering why she stopped so suddenly. All was answered of course, and I didn't want to hear it.

"No..." Cordelia breathed haggardly, "I'm... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have down that. This... this was a mistake"

"Cor?" I asked fearfully.

"I'm so sorry, Faith," Cordelia cried before running off to her car, and I stood there frozen.

The next morning, all I wanted to do was get her off my mind. Just for a half an hour at least where she doesn't plague my thoughts. So, I hired Buffy to distract me. Well not really "hired" per say, but I got her out of chemistry to keep me company. Then for the whole day I cut loose, and did whatever the hell I wanted. All so I wouldn't have to think about Cordelia. How I broke her heart. How she broke mine. I succeeded to, and I even got Saint Buffy to cut loose and live a little. Of course, my perfect day had to go and get ruined right when I began dancing with Buffy. As soon as we got into the groove of the music, I wished that it was Cordelia dancing with me and not Buffy. That put my mood in a damper, and when Buffy went to see her vampire honey, I danced up a storm with any guy that would come near me. It never worked, because that one little thought of Cordelia was a leak in the dam, and soon the whole fucking dam collapsed.

That was yesterday, and I wanted to do it again today. Just hanging with Buffy and not giving a damn about the rules. I was having a pretty good time until... until he showed up.

What was he doing there anyway? What kind of person jumps out of no where right after two slayers dispatched a lot of vampires? Someone with a death warrant I tell you.

No, It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It was an accident. He came out of no where. I realized to late he was human. I watched as his life slip away from him... by my bloody hands. I'm a murderer. A killer. Oh God, I took someone's life.

I'm curled up in a ball in the corner of my bathroom, holding a torn shirt... the shirt I wore when I... killed him. I tried so hard to get the blood out. I scrubbed and scrubbed until the fabric shredded. My hands were rubbed raw under steaming hot water. Blood was on these hands. Blood of a human being rests on my hands.

I never wanted this to happen. I was caught up in the moment. Everything just happened so fast. I... I...

Tears are burning my eyes and my sobs echoed throughout the bathroom.

Cordelia... please... just hold me. Only you can make this better again.