by Jenn

Just a fucking user.

I don't know what to say.

That's what she said I was, just a fucking user.

I'm so angry right now, slayer strength or no slayer strength, I know, KNOW, I could beat her down.

But I'm not going to, I'm just going to sit here, next to Xander on this uncomfortable wooden chair, and be all Queen C.

The Bitch.

Because that's my defence you see, that's what keeps me together, whole, sane.

And when she walks in, swaggering in leather and a too-tight top, I don't show that my heart is breaking.





She doesn't even look me in the eye, just slumps in a chair, which by the way, could get NO closer to the perky blondes chair, and refuses to meet my eye.

Faith took all my love, and I'm stuck in a relationship with a boy who I barely like on a good day, and whom I was attracted to because of the life and death situations I kept being thrown in.

Aren't they a bitch?

When I think back over the short 'relationship' I had with Faith, I see myself happier in those three months then I ever have been with Xander.

No offence meant to him of course.

I'm sure some day a great Woman/Bug/Inca Mummy Princess will turn up in Sunnydale and sweep him away.

He deserves that much.

I'm going to miss her so much.

I'm going to miss her smell.

The way she laughs.

The way she tickles me when were arguing about things, just so I give in first.

Her ability to protect me.

Make me blush.

Make me laugh.

And I know if I sit here just one more minute I'm going to cry, break down and sob, and everyone apart from Faith will wonder what's wrong with me.

She'll think I'm acting.

Oh god.

How could I have let her hear that? Harmony was bitching about the girl 'That Freak Buffy Summers' was hanging out with.

"... I mean how much leather could one girl wear? It looks like she's walked into a field and murdered all the cows..."

Of course all the little Cordettes, Oh wait, its Harmettes now, all started to snigger apart from me.

Which Harmony actually noticed?

It'd be a surprise for you too if you'd spent nearly all your life with this girl, she hardly notices anything which doesn't involve her.

So then she asks me...

"What's the matter Cordy? Don't tell me you actually find this girl partially cool, she's like a walking billboard for animal skins."

More sniggers from the Harmettes, why do I even like these girls?

One reason I guess, popularity.

So, to remain cool, and therefore popular, I agreed with her.

"What? Are you kidding me? That girl makes me sick she is, so, a walking leather disaster area. Right?"

And from the silence that followed I knew, just knew, that she was standing behind me.

She didn't stick around to find out why I'd said those things; she just took off, after throwing us all a shit-eating grin.

I couldn't relax at all for the rest of the day, I willed the day to just end.

Mr Roberts History class was even more mind numbingly boring and I was ready to curse him when the last bell rang.

People have never seen me move that fast.


I'm Cordelia Chase, I don't run as fast as I can out of my seat, down the corridor, and into my new convertible, squealing away from the parking place as fast as I could.

I arise, Lady-Like, and swan down the corridor, stopping to talk to people I find equally popular to chat with.

But I was in a rush.

But I might as well have strolled; I couldn't find her all day.

I checked all her usual hangout, the greasy dinner down by Cowlings Chops, the park, everywhere.

But it was like she had disappeared. Vamooshed. Fell off the end of the earth.

I had one more stop though before giving up for the day, by the time I'd checked all the other hangouts she liked to go, there was only one other place left.

The Bronze.

Dragging myself home I went through the entire ordeal... ordeal? I've never thought of it like THAT before, it had always been a pleasure dressing up to impress, anyway I digress, and was finally finished.

Setting off to the Bronze I was actually convinced that once I had found her and explained about things she would happily forgive me.

When I parked outside the Bronze I got a little flutter inside knowing in about 10 minutes I was going to see Faith.

Aren't I sweet?

But nothing I ever plan turns out right.

I did get to see Faith.

Pushed against the wall in a darkened alley.

Moaning and panting, with Sweet, Little, Innocent Buffy between her spread thighs.

Really did anyone else ever think sweet little innocent Buffy was a rug muncher?

I certainly didn't, but I got too see it with my own Hazel eyes.

Xander's wet dream.

The next five minutes were spent with me screaming at Faith about her being a two-timing rat, a shit, anything I could think of to call her I did.

And she just took it.

Until I started to cry and I slid down the wall, sitting in that dank depressing alley, where my... girlfriend had just received head off my rival.

Then she started.

With five words she caused more hurt than all my words had put together.

"You're just a fucking user."

The she turned and walked away, leaving an almost hysterical me behind with a very confused Buffy looking on.

That was the last time I had seen her.

Well until today.

She's still as beautiful as ever.

And I guess she still thinks I'm a user, with the avoiding looking at me and the avoiding talking to me, and my heart crumbles a little bit more.

Because I never used her, I couldn't have.

I gave myself to her whole, as whole as I am, and didn't hold back.

Until that day with Harmony, I thought my life was perfect.

Now I know better, my life wasn't perfect, she was.

And I never will be again.